James Weir recaps SAS Australia: Hell Week 2021 | episode 3

This holistic health expert has offered a peculiar tip that he claims is proven to boost testosterone. Warning: it could end it tears.

On SAS: Australia, the physical brutality and psychological torture is tough, but there’s something far worse — something so intolerable — it’s enough to drive anyone to the brink: chafe.

Speaking of torture, we the viewers also cop it on Monday’s penultimate episode of “Hell Week — a four-part special that takes everyday Aussies and puts them through a condensed version of the extreme military training course. We’re forced to watch front-on vision of a guy sponge-bathing his … area. And then we’re ambushed with another guy’s experimental health trick that he performs on his own … area.

Clearly tonight’s episode has a theme.

“My undies are still wet … I really don’t wanna put ‘em on,” someone whines through the dark.

It’s 5am and the recruits have been called into battle. Of course, we don’t have time to wait for the underwear to dry — this is a serious war simulation. In real life, the enemy does not care about your damp jocks. Nor do they care that your damp jocks will lead to all-day discomfort and possibly swampy side effects.

And they also don’t give a flying fig that wearing the wet jocks while doing physically activity will lead to a somewhat chafey situation. In fact, the enemy potentially times it that way. Entire wars have probably been won just because the enemy had the foresight to find out their opponents’ washing schedule and then launched their attack while everyone’s jocks were still wet and hanging on the camp’s communal clothes horse.

Have you ever ran away from a spray of bullets while enduring chafe? It’d be enough to bring down Batman. And his situation would be worse because of the leather tights.

Anyway, there’s only one way to take everyone’s minds off it: push them off some sky-high infrastructure.

See? They probably barely notice it now.

… Then drag them through mud.

Eat dirt.

While this miniseries started off strong, it seems to have hurtled down hill quickly. The great thing about the celebrity version of the show is seeing celebrities tortured into revealing juicy details about their most controversial scandals. These normal people aren’t as interesting. Last week, one lady revealed she got charged with murder. Then a fraudster ex cop told us how he gambled away millions. Both mildly entertaining anecdotes. But this week, there are no more scandals. A 22-year-old gets dragged into an interrogation and we have to hear about his parents’ divorce.

“I’m a self-proclaimed adrenaline junkie — I love skydiving, cliff diving,” he tells us.

Apparently there’s one place he’s not brave enough to visit, though: The hair salon.

“You look like you just put your finger in an electric socket,” one of the soldiers spits at him.

“It looks like someone threw a hand grenade at your head.”

You’ve got some flyaways, hun.

Meanwhile, our other recruits are tossed a communal bucket of water and one sponge and told to clean up after their mud fight. Thank gosh everyone tries really hard to not make the situation more awkward than it already is.

“Do you sun ya nuts, mate?” James, a holistic health coach, asks bodybuilder Bassim.

“Huh?” comes the reply.

“Don’t you sun ya nuts? Seriously. It’s good for ya. Scientifically proven to boost testosterone if you stick your gonads in the sun,” James preaches, clearly subscribing to the Goop medical journal.

Go show us how it’s done.

Someone quickly changes the topic of conversation. Phew. No more awkwardness.

Oops. Spoke to soon. Bassim picks up the kitchen sponge, turns front-on to the camera and starts … scrubbing.

It’s Hell Week indeed.

Was this camera angle absolutely necessary?

Originally published as James Weir recaps SAS Australia: Hell Week 2021 | episode 3