The Mouth’s advice to the youth: ‘Grow up and learn to make the perfect martini”

The Mouth has a vital life lesson for today’s youth. Listen up, and he’ll let you in on a little secret: How to make the perfect martini.

Start by keeping everything frozen … except maybe the olives. Picture: Supplied

Gather around, kiddies, because your Uncle Mouth needs to have a word with you about growing up.

And for legal reasons, by kiddies we mean readers over 18 who are legally old enough to have a beer.

We were flicking through the papers the other day and we noticed another one of those pieces by an on-trend lifestyle journalist regurgitating some or another piece of PR.

But this one was interesting: It suggested that young people, defined very generously as being between 18-44, were really giving the low and no-alcohol beers a big old nudge.

Normally, we wouldn’t take too much notice because young people have been doing dumb things since the beginning of time.

Frozen glasses are a must. Picture: Nikki To

If white-knuckling it through work functions or family barbecues is the new power flex, well, I’m old enough to remember when you all were all planking.

Then we ran into another story that made us wonder if there was more going on.

Just 17 per cent of workers, according to this news item, have any aspiration to management with young people leading the way in slacking out.

Put the two together, and add in a few other trends – grown-ups who play video games, the rise of the “young adult” novel – and a more disturbing picture comes into focus.

What if “the youth” are not so much taking better care of themselves as they become adults but simply refusing to become adults?

The smaller the glass the better. Picture: Supplied.

That is to say, having grown up in a society that has thrown all the old formal rites of passage into the bin, they are now also losing the various informal markers of adulthood.

Which is to say, learning how to drink properly, climbing the greasy pole at work, and (oh yeah) “settling down”, which people aren’t doing either.

So what’s the solution? Well, knowledge is power, kids.

And I’m going to teach you to make The Mouth’s Perfect Martini.

Start by keeping everything frozen. The gin, the glasses (smaller ones are better), the shaker, the ice (obviously, but you can’t be too careful).

Put on some appropriate music. Nothing with a mood more intense than “reflective”: Remember, the aim is good cheer. Bobby Short’s “Live at the Café Carlyle” is probably perfect.

From then it’s easy: Throw some ice cubes into the shaker. Into the shaker throw a splash of dry vermouth and, critically, a shake of Angostura bitters.

Swirl this around and chuck the liquid out (keep the ice) so just the flavour remains. Throw a big slug of gin, or a really big slug if for two, over the ice, stir fast and hard until the outside of the shaker is too cold to touch, and strain into your frozen glasses.

Adulthood in a glass. And a new restaurant next week.

— The Mouth is an anonymous critic and bon vivant who pays their own way around Sydney and beyond.