I can’t forgive him. I don’t hate him: Jelena Dokic on her brutal dad, Damir

Former tennis champ Jelena Dokic escaped at a tennis tournament at 19, when her father’s beatings became so bad didn’t know if she’d survive the next one. Today she’s a ‘survivor and thriver’, not a victim.

Jelena Dokic today, main picture, and battling it out on the tennis court, top right. Few knew back then how hard her battle was off the court at the hands of her father, Damir, bottom right. Pictures:

Jelena Dokic will never forgive her father. She doesn’t hate him though.

Dokic’s story of abuse — both physically and emotionally — by her father, Damir, dominated her professional tennis career.

But even as the tennis world watched on, it only became clear much later the depths of the torturous behaviours she was enduring.

“I was kicked and punched in the head so hard that it left me unconscious and navigating through that at home, but at the same time, putting on — let’s say a brave face — and being able to go out there on the court and perform,” Dokic said on the latest episode of the Mental As Anyone podcast.

“I did leave home at the age of 19, escaped during a tennis tournament because the beatings were getting so violent and I didn’t know if I was going to survive the next one.

“I want people to look at me not as a victim, I’m a survivor, but most importantly, thriver, a success story, and I want people to go, ‘you know, she did it, I can do it too’.”

Dokic, 42, reached number four in the world at her peak, and represented Australia at the Olympics.
She was born in the former Yugoslavia to a Serbian father and Croatian mother, Ljiljana, and has a younger brother eight years her junior.

“People kind of say you have to forgive, not for your abuser or someone that caused you pain, but for yourself,” she said.

“But I’m not sure, for me anyway, I agree with that because I don’t necessarily have to forget him to be able to be to move on. I think you have accept the circumstances … accepting that that was my life, the cards I’d been dealt, that’s fine but I don’t hate him.

Maybe that sounds weird, but I also don’t forgive him.

She continued: “I have quite a few people that I know and friends that have been through sexual abuse and rape at a very young age.

Jelena Dokic celebrates after a win during the Adidas International women's singles first round match at Homebush Bay in 2000. Picture: Gregg Porteous.

“I’ve had this conversation with them and how do you ask them to forgive their abuser when someone’s done and taken something so important to them?”

Dokic has told her story in her books, Unbreakable and Fearless.

She was the subject of the critically acclaimed documentary feature film, Unbreakable: The Jelena Dokic Story, that won a prestigious award at the Screen Producers Awards last week.

It was co-directed and co-written by The Australian’s chief sports writer Jessica Halloran and In Films Ivan O’Mahoney with the documentary still able be watched on 9now.com.au.

Dokic’s mother and father separated many years ago. In her words, her father kicked her mother out.

Dokic has had a difficult relationship with her mum, who was also subjected to abuse.

“It’s kind of sad that it became such a normal way of life for her,” Dokic said of her mum.

“It really was normal for her but we’ve had the conversation and she knows how I feel. And it is what it is. I don’t mind moving on with people. I don’t hold a grudge.”

She added: “But do I see myself maybe being in that situation and doing the same thing and maybe not stepping in? Probably not. But at the same time, she had a bit of a difficult childhood, she lost both of her parents by the time she was 14, she was raised by her half sisters. She really didn’t have family and her parents were not there after the age of 14 so she always had this idea of family above all and she was not going to give up on that or leave no matter what.”

Dokic is in regular contact with her mum and the pair see each other “a couple of times a year”.

Jelena Dokic and Mark Phillippousis fromt a media conference for Hopman Cup at Burswood Dome in Perth in 2000. Picture: Ken Matts. Tennis

She will not ever reconcile with her father.

Despite the abuse, she did try twice.

“Never again,” she said.

“I don’t want to be that type of person that is hateful and resentful and bitter, I think actually my father is. He’s a very dark and toxic person. I was still young and … I don’t give up easily. Maybe when it’s you’re family you give it an extra chance always.

“ At times maybe it’s cost me where I’ve been too kind for too long but I don’t regret it because it comes from my heart and I sleep well at night, but it wasn’t possible.”

Regarding her mental health, Dokic said she had long suffered anxiety and depression and was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder (BPD).

“At the age of 22 in 2005, I almost took my own life,” she said.

“I didn’t know it at the time, I was battling already anxiety, depression, PTSD, even an eating disorder, which continued even though I continued playing on the tour. I battled that for more than 15 years.”

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* A new episode of Mental As Anyone is released each Tuesday.