Aussie RuPaul superstar: ‘being out of drag is not scary anymore’

RuPaul’s Drag Race star Hannah Conda copped backlash when on the show. Here, she explains the trauma that ensued.

Australian drag superstar Hannah Conda reached one of her lowest moments in life at a time she should have been celebrating her biggest career triumphs.

Fresh from placing runner-up on RuPaul’s Drag Race Down Under, the singing, dancing and joking larger than life Aussie performer was battling serious depression and anxiety behind closed doors.

“Depression, she actually called up her little sister, anxiety,” Conda said on the latest episode of the Mental As Anyone podcast.

RuPaul’s Drag Race star Hannah Conda.

“It was so confusing because it was meant to be this point where my career was changing.

“The time after Drag Race, I hated it. I was so depressed, so miserable. I hated getting into drag, hated going to gigs. The thing that brought me so much joy, and that I loved so much was enemy number one in my mind at this point.”

That was 2022 and, having suffered depression for many years, the 33-year-old sought help from medical professionals.

Hannah Conda is the drag alter ego of Christopher Collins, who went on to become just the second Australian to compete on a global franchise of the show after Courtney Act.

This year, he again placed runner-up on RuPaul’s Drag Race: UK vs. the World.

Collins received serious backlash and online trolling when he appeared on Down Under after being criticised for historical cultural appropriation with his drag.

Despite apologising, Collins faced cancellation and the end of his drag career.

“I don’t want drag to hurt people, I’ve never wanted that,” he told the podcast.

“I’ve never operated out of a place of trying to make fun of anyone. When that became the narrative of who people thought I was, without even knowing me, that was really such a challenge to wrap my head around.”

Australian drag performer Hannah Condah, as her real self, Christopher Collins, before the makeup and costume. Picture: Richard Dobson

Things were so dark for Collins that he considered suicide.

“I was chatting with my friend on Friday night at the club and I said, ‘you know what, I haven’t thought about killing myself for six months’,” he said.

“Suicidal ideation, it has been one of those things that has lurked around me forever, always. “There have been many times I have tried to end it all and be done with it.”

There was a moment during Covid that Collins “blacked out” writing a farewell letter to his partner of seven years.

“My body just went into some sort of like, I just lost time sitting there and I was crying in a mess,” he said.

“I just couldn’t. I don’t even know how that happened because I’ve never experienced that before. If he (Collins partner) didn’t get home, I don’t think it would have been a good thing. And so maybe that was maybe my body’s way of naturally shutting itself down.”

In the wide-ranging interview, Collins spoke about his insecurities around rejection, perfectionism and body image. His weight has fluctuated for as long as he can remember.

Drag used to be a place for Collins to hide.

“I’m very deep and feel, I’ve got a lot of emotions,” he said.

Pictured at Universal Bar on Oxford Street in Darlinghurst ahead of Pride Month. Picture: Richard Dobson

Hannah Conda.

“I had a lot of confidence issues with the way that I looked outside of drag but then as drag has progressed for me and as I’ve gotten older, I’ve loved the packaging for both Chris and Hannah and I adore the way I look, I adore the way I sound. Probably the last year or so that really solidified my comfortability in myself … being out of drag is not a scary thing for me anymore. I don’t care because this is how I look. This is who I am. This is the vessel I’ve got and I want to enjoy all of the bits. I want to enjoy all of life because I feel like I’ve wasted a lot of time by not enjoying things and not allowing myself to be happy when I should have been.”

* Do you need help? Lifeline: 131144. Beyond Blue: 1300224636. Kids Helpline: 1800551800.

* A new episode of Mental As Anyone drops each Tuesday morning at 6am.