Despite having Ridley Scott at the helm, every frame of The Counselor reeks of low-end trash

The Counselor is a tangled mess and will leave viewers consistently baffled by a tale that remains in a state of cryptic cluelessness throughout

Just an all-star miscast

FILM OF THE WEEK

THE COUNSELOR

Rating: 2 stars

Starring: Michael Fassbender, Brad Pitt, Cameron Diaz, Javier Bardem, Penelope Cruz

ON paper, everything about The Counselor simply screams quality.

The great Ridley Scott is leaning forward in his director's chair. Acclaimed novelist Cormac McCarthy is tapping away at his first-ever original screenplay.

The likes of Michael Fassbender, Brad Pitt, Cameron Diaz and Penelope Cruz form an orderly queue for our complete attention.

On the screen, however, every frame of The Counselor reeks of low-end trash.

Diaz's big scene sees her enjoying extended sexual congress with a car. Yes, you did read that correctly. Not in a car. With a car.

Bardem - that's him sitting gobsmacked in the front seat while the aforementioned event transpires - mooches about with a fake tan and a funky wig.

Cruz switches between the same three looks: adorable, confused, and adorably confused. Pitt appears to be in a whole other movie.

And poor old Michael Fassbender, usually an imposing presence in every production he graces, barely registers in the title role. Like Armie Hammer in The Lone Ranger, he's a ghost in his own motion picture.

The best that can be said of The Counselor is that you will never be bored.

However, you will be consistently baffled by a tale that remains in a state of cryptic cluelessness throughout.

Fassbender's Counselor (we never hear him referred to by name) seemingly has it all: stunning fiancee (Cruz), clever business associates (Bardem, Pitt) and a respectable reputation in the Texas legal fraternity.

However, our hero is not shy about copying a trick or two from his criminal clients when it comes to making some easy money.

So when his roundabout involvement in too many dodgy deals sees him blamed for the disappearance of a major drug haul, The Counselor could be close to losing it all.

The plight of the central figure in this tangled mess is difficult to care about, primarily because Fassbender cannot find (or is not provided with) the means to make it happen.

A filmmaker of Ridley Scott's experience must have sensed something was amiss during shooting, and must shoulder some of the blame for this blundered outcome.

As for Cormac McCarthy - the prestige talent that drew such serious heat to this project - well, he should stick to cranking out books, and leave the screen adaptation of his words to others.

Not a single character in The Counselor speaks as if they hail from planet Earth. Everyone seems to come from a world where a florid metaphor must be jackhammered into every second sentence.

Much of what the men in The Counselor have to say about women ranks as some of the most risible sexist dialogue you'll hear in this enlightened age.