I watched With Love, Meghan on Netflix and here’s what I learned | Peter Goers

The latest version of the Duchess of Sussex has dropped. Let’s slavishly follow everything she says, writes Peter Goers.

We can all learn so much from the cooking and lifestyle TV show, With Love, Meghan.

Some may say it’s the most boring, narcissistic show ever made but the lovely Meghan Sussex (formerly Markle, formerly Her Royal Highness, formerly Mountbatten-Windsor, formerly Duchess of Dummy Spit) was once about as popular as herpes but now she’s just a very ordinary, perfectionist, multi-millionaire trying to earn a living and cook for her family and friends.

So let’s slavishly follow what Meghan does. There are many lessons from her show.

Don’t cook in your own house or harvest in your own garden. Use someone else’s. Everything must be perfect. You must look beautiful at all times while cooking and gardening. You must change your clothes at least three times while cooking.

Meghan, Duchess of Sussex, stars in “With Love, Meghan”. Picture:: Netflix

Guests must also constantly change their clothes.

The best example is when Meghan changes seven times in one episode while she’s making a quiche (in a base she didn’t make and with eggs she probably didn’t lay) and tossing a salad.

Your kitchen must be pristine when you are cooking. Even your compost bin must be exquisitely beautiful.

When cooking you must have unseen people pre-preparing everything. You must invite famous chefs to cook for you while you watch and chop up a Tokyo turnip or hand-tear some chard – immaculately.

You must have hundreds of jars, glass bowls, a vast amount of kitchen equipment and your fridge must contain only what you need for the current meal. You never have to wash a dish or clean up. That just happens magically.

You must use lots of salt on everything and eat lots of flowers. How wrong I’ve been about edible flowers.

Hitherto I’ve preferred steak. I’ve occasionally eaten a nasturtium and hoped that no dog had peed on it but Meghan sprinkles flowers on almost everything.

She also teaches us how to arrange flowers. It’s easy. You buy $300 worth of flowers and use just some of them in a horizontal display and throw the rest away.

Everything must be highly decorative.

Your fruit platter must be arranged like a rainbow (with flowers), cookie dough (you haven’t made) must have flowers pressed into it, so must your ice cubes.

Everything needs a “colour story”.

You must have a “spiritual connection” with someone else’s garden and home. You must be constantly grateful for your beautiful garden even though its not yours. You must own at least seven designer trugs in which to collect vegetables and flowers dewy and fresh from the garden.

With Love, Meghan. Meghan, Duchess of Sussex in episode 105 of With Love, Meghan. Picture: Netflix

It’s very important to macerate as often as possible. You must be very thin and beautiful and your guests must also be very thin and beautiful and be your “best friends”.

Your guests are required to congratulate you at all times and you must self-congratulate.

For example, “Oh, Meghan I love it that you are so young and hip” and “the Meghan of 10 years ago would be so proud of you”.

Hitherto my crudites have been crude. I must make a charcuterie platter everyday. We all have a billionaire Argentinian friend and when they come for lunch you must make them a cold lavender-infused neck towel.

It’s OK to let your dog lick the spoon you are cooking with. You won’t get hydatids. You must make your own designer dog biscuits. If you have a gay friend you must make candles with them. They will expect this. Tea must never include actual tea and must have flowers in it.

Your chickens must never defecate. Meghan’s chicken coop has no poo and her chooks lay perfect eggs in one perfect pile.

Exquisitely catered children’s parties must have no children present. How wonderful.

Some cruel people have said that Meghan is only cooking because she can’t keep staff but I’m more worried that the guests she’s feeding will have flowers stuck in their teeth.

I can’t wait for season two surely called Let’s Watch Meghan Macerate. Again.

HOT

Changing the Adelaide Cup holiday to the Adelaide Festival holiday.

Francis Greenslade

Malcolm Turnbull

Gluttony at the Fringe

Modern dance is so old-fashioned except for Pina Bausch.

NOT

Trump’s doing so well for the economy. Not.

VALE

Laraine (OK) Wheeler - legendary theatre technician and lighting designer.

Originally published as I watched With Love, Meghan on Netflix and here’s what I learned | Peter Goers