James Weir: Meghan Markle kickstarts annoying new trend of destination baby showers
Baby showers are tedious enough. And they’re about to become a whole lot more punishing thanks to Meghan Markle.
First came destination weddings and destination birthday parties, now it’s all about destination baby showers — and we have Meghan Markle to thank for the punishing onslaught of invites to the Gold Coast we’re about to receive.
The Duchess threw her baby shower this week in Manhattan and it was all very grand.
She’s such a trend setter and at first it was fun. She’d be spotted with a stylish-yet-affordable Oroton purse and we’d all run out and buy it so we could tell people it’s the same one Meghan has. But it’s just getting ridiculous. Baby showers are tedious to begin with — and now we’re going to have to commute to annoying locations to get to them.
Any destination celebration is just the worst.
“People are still talking about our destination wedding,” one friend, who made everyone lumber over to New Zealand for the nuptials last year, recently claimed.
“Talking about or complaining about?” I replied.
“Everyone loved it, because it was kind of like a mini holiday for them,” he insisted.
Destination parties are a holiday for no one except the person throwing it. For attendees, it’s a waste of money and annual leave.
The worst part about these destination baby showers we’re all going to have to attend is they won’t be anything like Meghan’s. Her bash this week took place in the $100,000 a night penthouse of The Mark Hotel on the Upper East Side.
There were crates of Sancerre and meat provided by a luxury butcher (apparently that’s a thing). There was a fairy floss machine next to a classy harp player, which is a really expensive example of juxtaposition. Amal Clooney chartered a private jet and Serena Williams bankrolled the entire operation.
The showers we’ll be heading to from now on won’t be at some glam hotel in NYC. They’ll be at some random Rydges Resort. And they won’t involve the private jet of human rights lawyer Amal Clooney — just us suffering through a Jetstar flight while questioning our human rights.
20 YEARS IN POLITICS AND ALL I GOT WAS THIS LOUSY TINA ARENA CD
Is Julie Bishop more than just a fabulous pair of shoes and a well-worn Tina Arena CD?
Of course she is. She also has great blazers.
But apparently shoes and Evita are all that came to ScoMo’s mind when pushed to reflect on the groundbreaking career of the former foreign minister.
Julie Bishop’s bombshell decision to quit politics this week surprised. But it was ScoMo’s speech that shocked.
“We share many things in common, not just thinking that Tina Arena is the best Australian female singer!” he chortled.
“Her successor will have big shoes to fill, and we all know Julie has the best shoes in the parliament!”
He said a bunch of other things but these are the two quotes some people are latching onto and context is for losers, anyway.
His statements have raised eyebrows for many reasons. Mainly about Tina Arena being the best Australian female singer. It’s like he’s not even aware all five former members of Bardot are still alive and partially working.
He was trying to be personal while eulogising Julie’s career but it came out like a dad joke. It’s the kind of message you write on the big novelty card that’s passed around the office when Jill the admin girl goes on maternity leave.
ScoMo was one step away from suggesting Julie may like to forge a post-political career as the 2IC of that fancy new shoe level at David Jones Elizabeth Street.
Indeed, Julie’s achievements throughout her 20 year political career can’t be summarised in a hokey send-off. But when I eventually quit my job — and fingers crossed it’s any day now — I hope all that’s mentioned are my fabulous shoes and collection of Tina Arena CDs.
A TRIBUTE TO THE WORLD’S OLDEST MEAN GIRL
Vale Karl Lagerfeld — the legendary creative director of Chanel who died this week aged 85 — and congratulations to his cat Choupette, who’s set to inherit a giant chunk of his $273 million fortune.
Hands up if you’d trade in your current life to be Choupette. She has several maids and gets around in a private jet — probably the same one Amal used for Meghan’s baby shower. Once you know these facts, it doesn’t seem so ridiculous Karl left her the cash — obviously she has a lot of bills to pay.
Karl was internationally known as a fashion god, but in the hours following his death many people began to realise he was also the world’s oldest mean girl. Countless listicles have now been published detailing all the savage things he said about people. Most of his insults were about women in sweatpants and, honestly, it’s all pretty accurate.
In a particularly snarky quote, he voiced his disdain for “rumpledness”. And this probably explains his decision to be cremated. I imagine being buried underground would lead to insane rumpledness.
Karl literally would not be caught dead looking rumpled. Could you imagine if, in the future, his body had to be exhumed for further analysis and they hoisted him out of the dirt looking rumpled? He’d die.
HOT NEW SEX ACT CAPTIVATING AUSTRALIANS
We’ve been shocked by a lot on this year’s Married At First Sight — cheating scandals and virgins ending up in the ER. But one thing has topped it all — a hot new sex trend: Thumbing. It’s all the rage.
Over two episodes, an extremely rational and not at all hilarious debate raged on between Lizzie and Sam about who thumbed who.
“You put ya thumb in my mouth! You put ya thumb in my mouth!” Lizzie yelled at her estranged husband.
“No, you put my thumb in your mouth,” he screamed back.
It was all very sensible. And it hurled into the spotlight the act of thumbing. Long overlooked in the bedroom, it’s about time thumbing got the attention and acceptance it deserves.
Too embarrassed to ask for it? I get it. Try giving your partner a subtle hint by just leaning into it. If they’re a little shy, maybe start with a pinky.
Both feeling adventurous? Switch it up and thumb each other.
Or go bold: thumb yourself.
REAL WINNER OF THIS YEAR’S OSCARS
The Oscars is this Monday and Bradley Cooper is psyched. Not just because he’s up for Best Actor with A Star Is Born. But because the evening will mark perhaps the final time he has to hang out with Lady Gaga.
The past few years of working with Gaga on the flick have been a total punish for Bradley. The lady’s intense. And it has ramped up over the past few months doing promo for the movie. He actually can’t stand hearing her recite the same earnest “one hundred people in a room” monologue one more time. But it’s almost over. And he will be the true winner of the night.
Twitter and Facebook: @hellojamesweir
Originally published as James Weir: Meghan Markle kickstarts annoying new trend of destination baby showers
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