Carnal relations with grapes and the art of 60-ing: Playboy’s vintage advice is still relevant today

HUGH Hefner ushered in the sexual revolution in the 1950s. And these men were in desperate need of his help.

The cover of the November 1973 edition of Playboy.

WARNING: Sexual content

IS IT OK to ask the guy I’ve just had sex with to please leave immediately so I can eat a pizza off my chest while watching the latest episode of Younger?

In 2017, I know for sure what the answer to this question is. It’s absolutely OK. In fact, if the guy doesn’t voluntarily leave — and let the pizza delivery guy into my building on the way out — that’s just bad behaviour.

But when Hugh Hefner started Playboy magazine in 1953, there were millions of men and women who had deep, dark, secret questions about sex and relationships. They were dying for answers — but had nowhere to turn.

“The major civilising force in the world is not religion, it is sex,” Hefner’s manifesto for Playboy — the magazine that amplified the sexual revolution — declared.

There was no internet. People couldn’t just go to Urban Dictionary and type in the term “The Angry Pirate” and read a detailed description of how to pull off the fun sex move in bedrooms around the world.

So, instead, they submitted their ponderings to The Playboy Advisor. A worldly little man would sift through the questions — which ranged from inquiries about the normality of body parts with weird bends in them to what brand of cigarette to serve guests in the sunken lounge after a casual orgy. The finest letters were selected — and the wisdom was shared.

Hefner might be gone. But decades later, the advice from the pages of his dusty earlier mags is still relevant today.

A CORK ISN’T A VAGINA

“The mechanic who works on my motorcycle reads all the new sex manuals and he claims that practice is the key to success. To prepare and perfect his cunnilingual skills, he removes corks from champagne bottles with his tongue,” reader L.B. from California wrote in the November 1973 issue. “To refine his knowledge of nipples, he has carnal relations with a grape. What do you think?”

The feedback was simple: “Save the champagne for a victory celebration and open it the regular way.”

No word on the nipple practice. But I can’t wait to tell the next cute boy I see that I want him to have carnal relations with my grapes.

The cover Playboy’s May 1968 issue.

THE LAZY MAN’S 69

“We recently had a hippie love-in here in Minneapolis. And because of the usual sweat shirts bearing the number 69, the symbol for mutual oral intercourse, some people were wearing shirts decorated with the number 60,” confused reader R.C. from Minnesota divulged in the May 1968 issue. “Would you kindly explain the meaning of this number?”

This question isn’t even funny. I’ll happily admit I legitimately didn’t know you could just “60”. I feel like I’ve been missing out. Apparently everyone’s been running around 60-ing while I’ve been settling on the 69 like an idiot.

“It’s a less busy form of 69,” The Playboy Advisor explained. “The partner represented by the 0 (which should be understood as a graphic rather than a mathematical symbol) is active, while the other partner remains passive.”

I still don’t really understand how this works but from what I gather it’s basically just a normal 69 situation but one of the people involved has just gotten lazy and/or had a big meal.

Farrah Fawcett on the cover of Playboy in 1979

HOW TO GROOVE ALL NIGHT WITH ANOTHER GUY’S GAL

“At a rock dance last winter, I met a girl and we grooved all night,” G.T. from Massachusetts wrote in May 1970 — providing what has to be the best sentence I’ve read in a long time.

He continued: “Soon we were talking freely about sex and I asked her up to my apartment for further conversation. He said the “further conversation” led to other things and they ended up in the bedroom. I assume an enthusiastic round of 60-ing ensued.

“We enjoyed sex together every remaining day of that month,” he recalled. But the sex suddenly stopped. She told him her husband was back in town and it couldn’t go on.

G.T. from Massachusetts — who, in my mind, looks like a cast member from Grease — was hurt and angry. You don’t groove all night at a rock dance without mentioning that your another guy’s best gal.

“I feel like telling him about her. Should I?” he asked The Playboy Advisor.

The advice? Nobody likes a T-Bird who tattles.

“We’re sure her husband will appreciate your being Mr Goodguy and we can think of several ways he might thank you — all of them very painful.”

Groovy.

HOW TO BE A PROFESSIONAL SWORD SWALLOWER

“My husband and I were inspired by the feats of fellatio that we saw in Deep Throat. We watched in awe as Linda Lovelace took into her mouth and throat all of a penis that must have been nine inches long,” Mrs R.C. from Vermonth detailed in Playboy’s June 1973 issue.

“Although I try, I have been unable to achieve her total grasp. An article in the April Playboy mentioned that she shared certain skills with professional sword swallowers. I was under the impression that sword swallowers used collapsible swords. What is their secret?”

Mrs R.C. was advised to practice on blunt house hold items. And 15 years later, I like to think she’s still got it.

A FULL HEART IS AN EMPTY STOMACH

“After having intercourse with my wife, I usually get out of bed immediately, wash up and then raid the refrigerator,” one very hungry man wrote in May 1970. “My wife thinks there is something sick ...”

To be fair, this could be actually be a letter from me. In fact, this situation is so relatable the issue of this magazine should be placed in a time capsule for future generations with relationship issues to find.

Playboy’s reply is not what anybody wants to here.

“Understandably, they resent love making being treated like a tennis game in which the partner runs off for sustenance immediately after the match. Try lingering a little longer next time — you might enjoy it, too.”

From now on, I’ll order two pizzas.

@hellojamesweir

Originally published as Carnal relations with grapes and the art of 60-ing: Playboy’s vintage advice is still relevant today