‘It was only a matter of time before he discovered my flaws’: Adele Parks on jealousy and dead ex-lovers

Jealousy can have devastating consequences, as international bestseller Adele Parks discovered in a nuanced tale about dead ex-lovers and what it’s like to always come second.

Firsts, whether good or bad, are memorable.

They are unrepeatable, unique, intrinsically valuable. That applies especially to first love, first sexual encounters and first marriages. There’s a whole culture of literature, music and film that glorifies, defines and underscores the rarefied romance and importance of those particular firsts.

So what’s it like to come second?

In First Wife’s Shadow my heroine Emma is usually sorted and sane but even she is knocked off balance – by which I mean driven half mad – by the thought of her perfect predecessor, Becky. It is not rational to be jealous of a dead woman – surely you have won all the competitions just by being alive – but it is understandable.

‘It is not rational to be jealous of a dead woman, but it is understandable’ … British author Adele Parks writes for the Sunday Book Club.

While writing this book, I researched the concept of the power of the dead ex by talking to spouses of widows and widowers. A series of lovely, functioning, reasonable people made sad and guilty confessions about how jealous they were of the first spouse, or if not out-right jealous, then certainly intimidated by or resentful of. Love makes a fool of us all.

People told me that negotiating the presence of a dead ex was often trickier than negotiating the presence of a live one. Most adults accept that dating means there will be a significant ex lurking in the background; maybe there are children and even ex in-laws to contend with. Normally we can excuse, accommodate, understand. We can rationalise that if our partner was happy with the ex, they’d still be with the ex; as they are not, they can’t have been happy. In this way, even a divorcee is a clean slate. However, it’s not the same if the spouse died. A dead spouse can no longer do any wrong and anything they ever did to upset, annoy or even vaguely irritate, is forgotten. Unlike divorced couples, they’d still be together if they could be. Logically speaking that means the second wife is second choice, not a second chance.

‘What do we really know about our partner’s previous relationships?’ … First Wife's Shadow came from Adele Parks’ research into the issue.

Whenever I research a new novel, I begin with a concept or dilemma and reach out via social media to anyone has any lived experience of whatever it is I want to investigate. People are willing to share their stories; they want to be heard and understood. Naturally, I always offer complete anonymity. One woman told me that while she’s been married to her husband for as long as he was married to his first wife (who tragically died aged 38) she felt she was “make do and mend”. She also mentioned how difficult she found ageing, as the first wife remains forever young and beautiful. Other the new spouses admitted to feeling “uncomfortable” or “resentful” if they had to split their time with the first spouse’s family or visit graves. Jealousy is unbecoming, so the people who confessed this often had a level of self-loathing. Another woman said she was cross with herself for having these thoughts, admitted that were “self-indulgent, absurd”, but sighed and added, “I have them all the same.”

I found that sense of helpless, self-destruction to be intriguing, especially when you consider it’s based on an unreal sense of the first relationship. Of course first relationships can be wonderful, but they can also be awful too. Not admitting room for nuance is tragic. What do we really know about our partner’s previous relationships and how much should we probe?

‘It was only a matter of time before he discovered my flaws’ … Adele Parks at home.

I’m actually a great fan of second chances and think obsessively worrying about your partner’s past is unhealthy. When I married for the second time (ex alive and kicking) I saw a chance at a fresh start. Honestly, it was tempting to present just my best-self; don’t we all do that at the beginning of a relationship? However, if a person is divorced (as I was) then it’s reasonable to assume there’s been a worst-self at some point too. So I was upfront about my shortcomings – my untidiness, my impatience and bad temper when hungry or tired, my obsessive workaholic temperament … (list not finite). I figured if he was sticking around, it was only a matter of time before he discovered my flaws. Exes are desperate to dish the dirt.

I pointed out to the partners of widowers, that is one thing they don’t have to contend with.

The important thing my research suggested is that second chances should be seen as the gift they are. I urge people to look forward, not back, in order to avoid the dangers Emma must confront.

First Wife’s Shadow by Adele Parks is out now, published by HQ Fiction. Share your thoughts and stories and meet fellow book lovers at the Sunday Book Club Facebook group.