Nick Tebbey offers relationship tips and support amid COVID-19

Honest communication and routine are key to getting through this pandemic says Relationships Australia’s Nick Tebbey, and while the challenges are real, we may come out the other side with stronger relationships.

Nick Tebbey answers your questions.

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The coronavirus has either cruelly separated us from our loved ones or forced us into constant contact – both of which can be hard to handle.

Nick Tebbey, National Executive Officer at Relationships Australia, was online today to offer advice and support as relationships come under strain.

Honest communication was key, he said, as he urged everyone to do their part in looking after others, particularly the vulnerable.

Q. Now that we are together 24/7, I am finding my wife has little habits I never noticed before that bug me. I am sure it is the same for her. What do you suggest?

A. It should be expected that with increased “together time” and little opportunity to get out and about, tensions will fray more easily. Add to this the frustration, uncertainty and lack of control we have in relation to the broader situation, and it is understandable that tensions might boil over into frustrations and/or arguments.

Families can avoid this by setting expectations and openly communicating with each other. This might require a bit of compromise on all parts, but things to think about include scheduling in “alone time”, allocating separate spaces within the house and even drawing up a roster of who has control of the TV remote.

Q. How do I rebuild a relationship that was already strained before COVID? My parents and I rarely see eye-to-eye, so contact was limited even before isolation but I want to know they are OK and also for them to know I am here for them.

A. There may be a silver lining in these difficult times. On a daily basis we hear stories of individuals, families and communities that have found creative ways of building connections. Indeed, research from similar pandemics in the past shows that relationships are often strengthened as a result. The fact is, we are all in this together, and the strength and support we draw from those around us is vital.

Building on this, I would recommend reaching out to your parents and letting them know you are there for them, should they need you. Next time you are at the shops pick up a few extra items for them (provided they live nearby) and, complying with proper hygiene and physical distancing at all times, drop them round, perhaps with a small gift, something to brighten their day.

Set up regular times to “check in” on them – making use of technology where possible. They don’t have to be long conversations each time, but a quick hello and chat can often help build the foundations for long-lasting relationships.

Q. I used to look after my two grandchildren while my daughter-in-law worked, but now she’s home and we’re all isolating, I can’t see them. I miss them so much, what can I do? I don’t want my son and his wife to have to worry about me on top of everything else.

A. The isolation and loneliness caused by COVID-19 is unprecedented, and will have different impacts on each member of the family. Wherever possible, you should look for ways to maintain regular contact (ideally by webcam, but telephone is good too). If you are able to, send them a postcard or a letter, as well.

Take interest in what your grandchildren are doing while in isolation (have they undertaken any craft projects, or continuing with their schooling), reminisce about the fun memories you have shared, and discuss with them your plans for when you finally are reunited.

Q. My wife is disabled and I am her main carer. In the past when her other carers were here I could get out for a few hours respite. The other carers can still come but I can no longer get out apart from an exercise walk. I need a break. What do I do?

A. The current pandemic is certainly impacting the ways we interact with others, and equally, the way we look after our own mental (and physical) health.

It is crucial that you take time for yourself, when you do get a break, so that you can relax. Whether it be your daily exercise, a yoga routine, or even a puzzle or a good book, this time is crucial to maintaining perspective and recharging. Schedule this “alone time” in whenever you can and make sure you take the time for yourself – as everyone will benefit in the long run!

Q. What tips do you have for managing arguments now we’re stuck together all the time and it’s harder to get space to cool off and get perspective. My husband and I can both be stubborn but we love each other and neither of us wants our relationship to suffer.

A. The two most important tips are: good communication and routine.

Communicate often, and frankly, so you both know what is impacting you at any given time.

Set up a routine to manage the uncertainty and minimise any risk of conflict. This routine can include anything from scheduling alone (and together) time, designating personal spaces around the home, and rostering everything from housework, to meals, exercise and TV.

Routine is essential to giving us a small amount of control over what is otherwise an uncertain and frustrating set of circumstances, and it can also be important to making sure we maintain strong relationships.

Q. What is your advice for families where there is a risk of domestic violence. I have seen several news reports warning it will increase under lockdown.

A. Given the heightened tension, frustration and lack of control we have over the current situation, it is understandable that experts are making these dire warnings. If anyone is at risk of any kind of harm, then it is crucial that they reach out for help. Depending on the severity of the situation, this might need to involve the police. In other circumstances, speaking to someone, especially a trained professional who can help develop a plan and strategies in the individual circumstances, will be the best option. It is important to act early, and remember that while we may be in social “lockdown”, no one is prevented from leaving their home, or wherever they might be, if their safety depends on it.

Q. My husband and I have always taken steps to prioritise our relationship with regular date nights and time to focus just on us. Now we’re home with work, kids and everything all jumbled in together how do we make sure we still make time for us?

A. Routine and scheduling will be your best ally here. Draw up a daily and weekly schedule that the whole family can follow – and be clear about when you have set aside time for you and your husband. Sure, it may need to be less frequent (and probably only after the kids have gone to bed) and might be less exciting than a trip to a new restaurant, but it doesn’t have to be less special, and can be all the more significant given the unprecedented times we find ourselves in.

If this is scheduled on your roster, you won’t have those feelings of guilt that niggle at our minds: it’s OK to leave the housework until tomorrow, and you can discuss your work (and kids’ schooling) commitments later. For this time, just relax in each other’s company for a while, do something special, and enjoy!

Q. What happens if we are still in isolation three months from now or more. Are organisations like yours expecting a big surge in people needing help. I worry about the long-term impact on society.

A. Given the unprecedented nature of this situation, we really can’t predict what the coming months might bring. Relationships Australia and other government-funded services have adjusted to the changing circumstances to ensure services continue to be available to those who need them. The delivery method has changed, for safety’s sake, but the services are still there.

That said, this is a whole-of-society issue and it’s crucial that we are all looking out for each other, especially for the most vulnerable, and finding ways to connect on practical levels, despite the various constraints we find ourselves facing.

Q. I’m worried about a good friend who lives alone. She can have problems with anxiety at the best of times and I am afraid she will have a real struggle in lockdown, especially if it goes on for months. What can I do to help her?

A. Let her know you are there for her: a friendly ear, or an extra set of hands if she needs something and you can pick it up for her.

Set up regular times to catch up and just be there for a chat, by webcam or phone, so she knows she can rely on you for support.

If things get more serious, make sure she knows what services are available for her if she needs to reach out for help.