What you should not say to your boss and colleagues, and what to say instead
There is a better way to tackle certain conversations and situations that will make your boss and colleagues think you’re a star, not a pain to work with.
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WORKERS may be unwittingly setting themselves up to be seen as difficult, incapable or downright mean by saying the wrong thing in common work situations.
Olympic gold medallist and human performance consultant Alisa Camplin says showing empathy and taking a problem-solving approach are the best ways to respond to situations and create a safe work environment for all.
Camplin has launched the free Workplace Resilience Toolkit for AIA Vitality, in partnership with insurer AIA Australia, to help workers set themselves up for success in the workplace.
She says in language, the devil is in the detail, and those who can create a safe, more creative workplaces will be an “unbelievable asset”.
“In all these things, these are skills you need to practise and to think about in advance,” she says.
“You can practise using different language at home where it’s a safer environment or bounce off a friend.”
She has outlined how most people would respond to common work situations and more helpful alternatives.
WHEN THERE’S BEEN A BIG MISTAKE
Things do not always go right in the workplace but responding positively helps people to learn and grow.
Perhaps a large account or client has been lost, or a less experienced worker has made a mistake that has cost the company big dollars.
“What not to say is: ‘This is a disaster, I don’t understand how this could happen, it’ll take us years to get another client like that’ and getting stuck in a negative outcome,” she says.
“(Avoid) ‘I don’t know why they let (Jack) look after that, they really should have got someone more experienced to do that’.
“You can always respond – and you don’t have to be the leader to do this: ‘Why don’t we sit down together and look at this situation and try to improve? Can we make sure this doesn’t happen in the future?’.
“It’s important to not rush past it, and not focus on the personalities, but look at the situation.
“Show empathy and perspective … and use language that makes people feel safe, then their ideas are more readily generated: ‘We aren’t failures, this was just a failed attempt.’.”
WHEN YOU WANT TO SAY NO
Many workers do not want to let people down, others do not want to seem like they cannot handle a situation, and some may feel they have no choice when assigned tasks.
So they say yes and end up feeling overwhelmed, stressed and exhausted.
“A lot of people would be aware they need to say no but don’t know how to do it,” Camplin says.
“If the boss or a colleague asks you to do something, you don’t want to automatically say yes, and you don’t want to say it’s too much, as it can be undermining their way to manage effectively.
“Saying: ‘Do I have to do this? Can’t you ask someone else?’ in a way is saying no, but you’re not addressing the need to say no and you’re not helping people to understand the situation or offering a solution.
“You’re coming off as a blocker, not a problem solver.
“The positive response would be: ‘I’m conscious of existing priorities, is this more a priority right now?’.”
She says offering a solution while raising awareness of existing workloads shows problem-solving ability.
“(Try): ‘I’m feeling stretched quite thin at the moment and I don’t want to miss other timelines; I know (Jane) is looking at ways to build experience, can I delegate some of these to her? I can help support her if she needs it’,” Camplin says.
WHEN A COLLEAGUE OR EMPLOYEE SEEMS TO BE OVERWHELMED
Employees who constantly take on more work and seem desperate to impress may be trying to prove themselves, have a lack self belief or may be striving for rapid growth, but it can affect productivity and wellbeing.
“You don’t want to say: ‘Why don’t you feel good enough, it’s crazy to feel that way, you have no reason to doubt yourself’,” Camplin says.
“You might feel like you’re helping but you can be belittling the person and it doesn’t get to the core of addressing the root concerns.
“Doing something a little more constructive: ‘I feel like you’ve got a lot on your plate; I love your work ethic and drive and want to check in to make sure you’re not overwhelmed; I feel like you could say no, what can I do to help right now? I don’t want you to be burnt out.’.
“You’re showing empathy and asking for a way to help.”
WHEN YOU’VE SNAPPED AT A COLLEAGUE
Everyone’s human, and people can lose their sense of calm in the pressure-cooker situations that often can arise in the workplace.
It can be made worse when a worker redresses the situation.
“You might have snapped at a colleague because you’re frustrated – what people might say in a situation is: ‘I’m sorry I snapped at you but things were getting on my nerves, I didn’t mean to snap but I didn’t understand why you didn’t accept my advice and I found that frustrating’,” Camplin says.
“That may be implying that the person isn’t intelligent … and you didn’t have control of your impulses.
“Say: ‘I’m sorry I lost my temper and snapped at you, I’m incredibly sorry, I was under pressure and I could only see my point of view. I’d love to take some time to sit down and discuss this further with you’.”
WHEN YOU’RE BERATING YOURSELF
“Some of the hardest conversations are with ourselves,” Camplin says.
Workers may be in a new role and are worried they do not have enough experience, or have been provided with a task that is outside their comfort zone and are worried they will let people down or get it all wrong.
“Try to speak to yourself more like a coach would,” she says.
“Say: ‘I know I can do this, I’ve worked through challenges before and I have to allow myself space to evolve’.
“One process is to put ‘yet’ at the end of the sentence, for example: ‘I’m not good at this … yet’.”
Accepting and naming the feelings also can help move through them, she says.
“(Say:) ‘This is overwhelming and I do feel daunted, it’s okay to feel like this, it’s completely normal, all people go through this’,” she says.
WHEN AN EMPLOYEE ASKS FOR A PROMOTION
When star performers and/or the next generation is keen but promotions are not available, it can be hard to motivate people.
“You don’t want to say: ‘I’m really sorry, there’s no promotion available to you at the moment, you’ve got to be more patient’,” Camplin says.
“If someone’s looking for growth and you say no, they’ll look elsewhere.
“You don’t want to say: ‘I love your drive, but this (no) has come from management’ – that’s passing the problem and not taking responsibility for the lack of promotion.
“(Say:) ‘I see you’re looking to be more challenged and I’m really eager to give you more experiences and see if there’s pathways to gain that and expand your breadth of knowledge. Your attention to detail, passion and drive are a huge asset and I understand your huge frustration’.”
Think laterally and suggest workers can go sideways that can offer new opportunities, such as shadowing other senior managers to learn new skills and network.
“It might not be a new job on the CV … might not be a vertical progression, but it gives them new challenges to learn and sink their teeth into,” she says.
WHEN A COLLEAGUE IS DRAINING YOU
It may be a co-worker who constantly asks questions and seeks your advice, professionally or personally, who you had a good relationship with but their neediness has worn you down.
“You’ve probably waited until you got to the end of your tether and that’s probably waiting too long, avoiding the conversation that you need to have,” Camplin says.
“(Saying:) ‘I’m really sorry but I can’t help you anymore, the negativity is too much for me’ is really negative and a blame-based argument,” Camplin says.
“While you’re trying to put some boundaries in place, you’re not leaving much room to explore or put strategies in place for a future relationship and the needs of the person you’re supporting.”
Admit feeling overwhelmed with the sense of responsibility and set up a time to talk them through their next step.
“By taking this approach, they know that there are other places to turn, that you still care but it’s beyond your ability to care and support them now,” she says.
“(Say:) ‘I’m feeling a little stretched personally and professionally, I feel you need someone with more experience to go forward with this, there are some great support programs out there that I’ve found that I’d like to connect you with’.
“Put in an effort to put in a connection to what is useful and that you’re going to take a step back.”
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