‘Sent a chill through me’: Aussie woman reveals boss’s degrading request

Stefanie Costi was an eager young student in her 20s when her senior male boss made a “degrading” request that stunned her.

OPINION

In my twenties, I thought I had my career all figured out.

Back then, I was a fresh-faced law student who was eager, determined and ready to prove myself. I worked hard, kept my head down and followed every rule to the letter. I naively believed that success would come if I simply did everything by the book.

But then everything changed.

One day, a senior partner asked me to run a simple errand – or so I thought.

“Go to Mitre 10 and pick up a pair of gumboots for me,” he said.

“I’m visiting a client’s farm this weekend.”

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It seemed harmless enough. I hurried down to the store, returned with the boots and walked into his office. As I entered, he was in the middle of a meeting with two other staff members. I set the boots down on his desk and turned to leave. That’s when he said something that sent a chill through me: “Stef, my back is hurting. Can you put these on my feet so I can try them on?”

I froze. Every logical instinct screamed at me to say no, but the fear of jeopardising my career overpowered my self-respect. So I whispered “Sure” and knelt down to slide the gumboots onto his feet, one boot at a time.

He stood up, walked around the office, and then sat back down. Then, he asked: “Stef, can you take them off now?”

Too scared to refuse, I did as he asked. The second I was done, I quickly got up and left his office without saying a word. I told myself it was just a one-off and that this discomfort was part of paying my dues.

But deep down, I knew it wasn’t just a one-time thing. It was the beginning of something much darker.

Stefanie did not expect the senior partner’s unprofessional request. Picture: iStock

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The mental toll

What seemed like an isolated incident grew into an everyday occurrence. The emotional toll it took on my mental health was devastating. I became anxious, had panic attacks and felt a tight pain in my stomach every day on the way to work.

I lived in a constant state of fear while I was there. Yet, even then, I never stood up for myself. I feared speaking up would tank my career before it even started. The thought of being labelled difficult, ungrateful, replaceable or worse, unemployable, kept me silent.

Looking back, I can now see the incident for what it really was. It was never about me proving myself to him. It was about power and control and making me feel small, insignificant and, somehow, complicit in my own degradation. He saw my age, my desperation to succeed, my need for the paycheck and my unwillingness to rock the boat, and he used all of that against me.

I convinced myself that if I just followed the rules, worked harder and kept my head down, I would earn his respect. Instead, I let myself be manipulated, and in doing so, I lost pieces of myself along the way, until I had nothing left but the courage to walk away without ever calling him out for what he truly was: A bully.

Stefanie said her workplace almost broke her. Picture: Stefanie Costi

Stefanie gave a speech on workplace bullying at an event at the National Press Club Australia. Picture: Stefanie Costi

Breaking the silence

Eventually, the silence became unbearable. In July 2023, after many years of suffering in silence, I decided I couldn’t stay quiet anymore. I shared my story on LinkedIn and told myself that if it helped even one person escape a toxic workplace, it would be worth it.

What happened next took me completely by surprise. The post reached over 1.2 million people worldwide and suddenly, my inbox was flooded with messages from others who had suffered in silence from workplace abuse.

What hit me the hardest was how widespread this behaviour was. I quickly realised this behaviour wasn’t just confined to the legal profession, which is notorious for bullying and harassment. This toxic behaviour existed everywhere, across every industry, in every profession. The truth was that no one talked about it, because they were too scared of the repercussions it might have on their careers.

She said what hit her the hardest was how widespread this behaviour was. Picture: Stefanie Costi

That’s when I knew I had to step up.

I became an advocate for those facing similar struggles and used my platform to offer support, share my experiences and provide guidance to others who were suffering in silence.

Today, I speak to over 99,000 followers on LinkedIn, have done a TEDx talk, educate leaders and dedicate myself to helping others navigate the horrors of workplace bullying and harassment.

What I would have done differently

If I could go back and relive my experiences with workplace bullying, I would have protected myself emotionally, mentally and professionally in ways I didn’t at the time.

Here’s what I would have done:

1. Trust my instincts

When the bullying started, I ignored my gut. I brushed it off because I didn’t want to seem weak or too sensitive. I even laughed off some comments to hide how I really felt. Don’t make the same mistake. If something feels wrong, it probably is. If you’re not sure if it’s bullying or harassment, talk to a mentor – someone who isn’t a family member, friend or co-worker – who can give you honest, objective advice.

2. Document everything

Keep a detailed record of every incident (dates, what happened, how it made you feel, who was there). Take screenshots of emails and messages on your personal phone. This protects you from gaslighting – not just from others, but also from yourself when you start doubting what really happened. Store everything somewhere safe, off work computers, where no one else can access it. You’ll be glad you did if you need legal help later.

Stefanie giving a TEDx talk. Picture: Stefanie Costi

3. Know my legal rights

I had no idea what my legal rights were back then. Now, as an employment lawyer, I know how much protection workers have. If I went through this again, I’d get legal advice immediately. You need to know your rights and use them. Check the Fair Work Commission’s website for information. Talk to an employment lawyer. Companies have policies against bullying and harassment – they just don’t always follow them. If they don’t, make them.

4. Prioritise my health over a job

I let my job define me and it nearly destroyed me. No job is worth sacrificing your mental health. If I could go back, I’d put my health first. If your job is toxic, leave. Your health matters more than any paycheck and you’ll find another job in time.

I know it’s tempting to think, “I can’t afford to leave. I need the money”. With the cost of living rising, that’s a real concern, so start with one small move.

What’s something you can do? Maybe it’s making a call, seeing a psychologist or consulting a lawyer. Planning an exit strategy that feels financially manageable will make all the difference. Because if nothing changes, nothing changes. Remember, work should support your life, not destroy it.

Stefanie Costi is an employment lawyer dedicated to creating work environments where people can thrive without fear. You can find her on LinkedIn

Originally published as ‘Sent a chill through me’: Aussie woman reveals boss’s degrading request