Barefoot Investor says it’s a red flag if your partner refuses to share day-to-day spending money

Before you have kids, there’s one practical discussion you and your partner should have about money. It’s a big red flag if they refuse, says Scott Pape.

Every so often an email comes through that punches me right in the guts.

Here is a letter from someone on the ‘inside’.

Dear Scott,

I find myself in an abusive marriage, which has become worse over time. The abuse has been slow, but became drastically worse since our children were born, as I have relied on him more (I’m a stay at home mum).

I didn’t notice the red flags in the early days of dating. My husband can project being a family man and a wonderful husband to the outside world, while I have become a shell of the woman I once was.

He has punched walls, called me crazy and even gets upset at me asking him to pick up groceries. He treats me like an inconvenience. He has multiple online affairs. I am scared of what he’ll be like as our children get older. There are behaviours that he does with our kids that don’t sit right with me, but I feel powerless to stop it.

My husband significantly out earns-me and would even if I had a job. He has a much better education than I do. He is also more intelligent and charismatic. I am too scared to leave because of the financial implications on my kids. My parents have told me they can’t provide any assistance or accommodation for me and my kids. I don’t want them to go hungry or end up in dangerous accommodation situations.

Anonymous.

If you are in an abusive relationship, take back control of your situation by calling 1800 RESPECT (1800 737 732), says Scott Pape.

Heavy, huh?

Let’s discuss two super-practical things to take from this letter.

First, women don’t consciously decide to shack up with abusive psychopaths, much less have kids with them. Like this woman says, she ‘missed the red flags in the early days of dating’.

So let me give you a red flag.

Before you have kids, grab my book and start doing the Barefoot Date Nights with your partner. The very first step encourages you to share your basic day-to-day spending money. If your partner flat-out refuses, that’s a red flag you probably want to talk to your mother (or best friend) about.

Reason being, as this woman says, ‘the abuse has been slow, but has become drastically worse since our children have been born, as I have relied on him more’. Stay-at-home mothers are selfless, and they often not only lose part of their identity, they also lose their income, and that can put them in a vulnerable position.

Second, women don’t consciously stay with abusive psychopaths, much less subject their kids to an abusive household. They stay because the constant abuse shatters their self-confidence, and they believe they are financially trapped. As this woman admits, “I’m a shell of the woman I once was”.

So here’s a way to slowly rebuild your confidence.

Take back control of your situation by calling 1800 RESPECT (1800 737 732), and speak to a family violence expert. Even if you’re not ready. They’ll take you through your options. Here’s one thing I’ve learnt as a financial counsellor: when you walk out one door, five new doors open. There are amazing people willing to walk alongside you, and they’re on the other side of that door, waiting.

Tread Your Own Path!

The Cocaine Mumma

Hi Scott

I’m a happily married mother in my mid-thirties, with two kids under four. We’ve been Barefooting for seven years, and I went to a financial advisor to sort all my insurances out so my family is financially safe in the event of something bad happening to me. However, I made a terrible error of judgment. When I first filled out my “health” summary I did not even think to mention ad hoc trying of some recreational drugs in my early 20s. Yet during the 1.5 hour interview Zurich asked some specific questions and I answered honestly (as I was told I must by law!), and now I’ve just received an email saying my insurance request has been declined and that no one is likely to insure me given my past recreational drug use!

Given the statistical facts in Australia around “have you ever tried a recreational drug” it must mean people DEFINITELY lie when answering those questions, and so now I just feel really really STUPID for being honest.

If no one will insure me, how do I protect my family in the event of my TPD or death? I’m so scared. I won’t sleep knowing they will suffer from their stupid mum and her stupid youth, and my poor husband if he’s left with the mortgage. And the final insult: the financial planner has hit me with a bill for $750!

Natalie

Most insurance underwriters are looking for is evidence of using hard drugs such as heroin, speed, cocaine, and meth.

Hi Natalie,

I doubt you got knocked back for smoking a doobie.

(Sorry for my bluntness, that’s just how I … roll).

Fact is, most insurers are going to ask you about your drug use – because most people downplay it – even Presidents: Bill Clinton once said ‘I smoked weed but didn’t inhale’.

Uh-huh. Sure Bill.

What most insurance underwriters are looking for is evidence of using hard drugs (heroin, speed, cocaine, and meth), which correlates to a higher chance of risky behavior, self-harm, permanent injury and death (and therefore a higher chance of them having to pay out).

So if I were in your shoes, I’d be mad as hell at your financial advisor.

They should have alerted you to the fact that this question would be asked, and pre-prepared back-up documentation to give to the insurer, which explains it happened over ten years ago, that you’ve been drug-free since then (if you have!), and that you are now a responsible mother with no intention of dropping an ecstasy tablet and dancing to the Wiggles on a Thursday afternoon playdate.

However, now that you’ve been rejected by an insurer it will make it very difficult for you to get insurance anywhere. So I’d make sure you have basic default insurance cover via your super fund, and tell your financial advisor to stick their $750 fee in a pipe and smoke it.

Lost Treasure

Hey Scott,

I thought I’d take your advice and check out the Government’s Moneysmart website to find my unclaimed millions. No luck, but searching under my maiden name I was astonished to find my 95-year-old Dad’s name! Two old savings policies he’d taken out in his late teens on commencing work. Dad’s over the moon and I still can’t believe I found it. There’s so much unclaimed money out there!

Search ASIC MoneySmart to discover if you have any unclaimed money.

Betty

Hi Betty

That’s amazing … and also potentially depressing.

Let’s hope it wasn’t sitting in cash (or worse, earning nothing) for 77 years!

This is your yearly reminder to head over to ASIC MoneySmart and do an unclaimed money search. It’ll take you two minutes.

Counting my blessings

Hi Scott,

I know you probably get a million emails but I am hoping this one gets to you. I was around 30 when I read your book (7 years ago now) and I took your advice and set up my insurances through my super, upped them accordingly, and set up a good health insurance policy for my family. Fast forward 7 years and I have had cancer twice.

The health insurance recommended to me by the government website has been excellent, they paid over $150K worth of surgery and chemo for me. I managed to claim my life insurance so I can invest it for my kids and I also have a decent income through the income protection insurance. Because of you my two young kids have a property each and I have a share portfolio which is paying for their school fees and any holidays we take. I can’t thank you enough and think of you often when counting my blessings, of which I can still count many!

Tiana

Hi Tiana

In my book I wrote about facing your financial fire … you’ve done it twice! Your kids have not only grown up seeing their mum make smart financial decisions, they’ve watched you face the toughest challenges and win. What a legacy to leave for your kids!

Information and opinions provided in this column are general in nature and have been prepared for educational purposes only. Always seek personal financial advice tailored to your specific needs before making financial and investment decisions

The Barefoot Investor for Families: The Only Kids’ Money Guide You’ll Ever Need

(HarperCollins)RRP $29.99

If you have a money question, email [e-mail] .

Originally published as Barefoot Investor says it’s a red flag if your partner refuses to share day-to-day spending money