KANGAROOS EAT BEEF

There are no more ferocious forums on earth than the comments sections at the Times of India following an Indian cricket defeat.

Anushka – the infamous duck mouth lady of ill-fortune

There are no more ferocious forums on earth than the comments sections at the Times of India following an Indian cricket defeat.

From Jaipur to Bhubaneswar, furious Indian fans don’t hold back. Delicate western types would be mortified by the vicious regional and class rivalries on display, along with seething hatred of failed players, demands for the execution of officials and ground staff and utterly fantastic conspiracy theories.

After India twice collapsed in the First Test, losing to Australia by 333 runs, fans were especially hostile towards captain Virat Kohli. “Duck mouth lady is always bad omen to kohli,” commenter Sudeesh declared, presumably referring to Kohli’s Bollywood actress girlfriend Anushka Sharma.

“India’s worst performance is unbelievable,” fumed Mohammed Azfar. “I suspect a sabotage behind the scene done by Rabi Sastry since from the heart he does not like Anil Kumble to take over the Indian Team from him. Kumble be warned please keep a track on players. He is after you. He is a blue Jakol.”

Tarun Sharma demanded the ultimate punishment for Pune’s First Test groundskeepers. “Pitch curator as well as who demanded such track should be hanged,” Sharma observed.

By Times of India comment standards, this is actually fairly mild. A few years ago, after a World Cup defeat, one enraged fan called for batsman MS Dhoni and his entire family to be drowned in the Ganges. They take cricket very seriously on the sub-continent.

“Deduct the match amount totally from all the players and distribute to the poor,” requested mpraomokkapati, while Bang Bang offered a multi-animal analogy for the ages: “India is good with the lambs but when they meet the lion they are like rats waiting to be eaten.”

Indian rage only increased following their team’s first innings disaster in the Second Test, currently underway in Bengaluru. “It’s the work of that Chennai traitor Sriram,” announced Anupam Singh, but Arshadzaidi disagreed: “This is surely a plan made by pakistan.”

Duck lady copped it again after her boyfriend was dismissed for just 12. “Kohli has to stop fawning after cheap Bolly skirt and promoting brands,” sneered Shreya Chawda. “If he’d never made that ad, he wouldn’t even have met HER.”

Some comments simply defy explanation. “Why do we play so badly against the kangaroos?” asked Prassana Kumar, drawing this response from someone using the screen name Mann:

“Because kangaroos eat beef full of energy.”