CROWN OUR CRAZY QUEEN IN 2017
Readers, it is time to cast your votes for this year’s supreme frightbat. A stunning field of contenders awaits your decision.
Readers, it is time to cast your votes for this year’s supreme frightbat. A stunning field of contenders awaits your decision.
Voters will note with approval the diversity of this year’s field, which features men, women, people of colour, people of pallor, the young, the elderly, representatives of Islam, representatives of less militaristic faiths, non-believers and the simple.
It’s a wide-open contest, with three former champions pitted against a range of rookies and unsuccessful previous candidates. Let’s check the form guide:
Yassmin Abdel-Magied. Enters Frightbat 2017 in impressive condition, having slammed Anzac Day and doubled-down on Australia’s hateful democracy fixation. Might her solid Hizb ut-Tahrir following secure Yassmin the support she needs? Only time will tell.
David Morrison. 2016’s runaway winner has since fallen dreadfully silent. But keep in mind that frightbat voting runs for a whole 12 months, so Morrison might yet stage a fantastic high-heels comeback. You can’t keep a good non-gendered individual down.
Clementine Ford. Robbed of victory in 2014 by just six votes and a runner-up again in 2015, Clementine is to the annual frightbat poll as Toyota is to Le Mans. In 2014 she mistakenly claimed victory prior to the election’s conclusion. Scratched from last year’s race due to being in foal, Ford returns in 2017 for her third title attempt.
Martin Hirst. Wildcard entry Hirst brings a four-decade pedigree of leftist uselessness to the contest, but little else. He’s your 1000/1 outsider.
Gillian Triggs. Outright favourite entering this event, Triggs could become the first ever double-champion following her 2015 triumph. Retirement as Human Rights Commission president might only liberate Triggs to make further excessive frightbat advances. A genuine frightbat powerhouse who knows this course.
Waleed Aly. Rookie Waleed has been frightbatting solidly in the nets and in lower grades for some years. Can he replicate that form in the white-hot competitive furnace that is Frightbat 2017? Known to collapse under pressure, Waleed would require an easy rails run to be a chance. Each way at best.
Vanessa Badham. Frightbat veteran Badham won in 2014 on her first outing. She has since rarely saluted at any level, and her peculiar Christian/Marxist strategy isn’t working against more consistent idiots. For those inclined to bet on an oldtimer, Vanessa might be worth a shot.
Peter FitzSimons. The oldest and richest in this year’s field, gorilla rookie FitzSimons could curse the entire field by nominating them as potential winners. Then again, the Sydney Morning Herald might soon shut down, thereby denying Fitzsy his avenue to victory.
Mia Freedman. Nominated only because of her suicide warning following Donald Trump’s defeat of Hillary Clinton. Bring on the Mamamia cult voters.
Jonathan Green. Tax-funded wealthy white guy Green has ramped up his act of late, which could be bad news for any gals ahead of him in the frightbat race. Rookie Green has cultured reason and audacious confidence on his side.
Vote often and vote responsibly: