Marc Fennell reveals his Hillsong past and how he ‘faked the euphoric feelings for years’

Award-winning journalist Marc Fennell has revealed his mixed — and deeply personal — feelings on the controversial Hillsong, and how he found a photo that he thought never existed.

Despite Hillsong’s shady past and many dodgy practices, award-winning journalist Marc Fennell has regrets about his own “quiet quitting” of the now infamous Pentecostal megachurch.

The award-winning journalist has remained largely silent, and a little embarrassed, about his Hillsong past – until now. His deeply personal documentary The Kingdom marks the first time he’s publicly spoken about his upbringing in Pentecostal churches.

He explains the church was actually a refuge for him as a teenager when his own family was falling apart. Several of the church families “adopted” him as one of their own.

“I don’t know if they realise what a refuge they provided for me – but they represented then, and now, the absolute best of what this faith can be,” Fennell shares.

“I kind of regret a little bit how I did it, because I just abandoned a whole bunch of friendships almost overnight.”

Marc Fennell in his most deeply personal documentary The Kingdom for SBS. Picture: Supplied

It wasn’t distaste, or even an experience of the revealed unsavoury practices which are highlighted in the SBS documentary, which lead to Fennell leaving the high-demand religion. It was rather a series of unanswered questions piling up.

“You just start with a few sceptical questions – like ‘so we’re going with the earth was created in seven days?’,” Fennell says.

“And it’s like ‘so no sex before marriage – is there any wiggle room? I’m asking for a friend?’.”

But it all came to a head when he realised he’d been faking those euphoric feelings for an eternity.

“I think the thing people get wrong when they cover Pentecostal churches – they talk about the music and the money and the lights and sound and speaking in tongues, but it is a faith built on feeling,” Fennell explains.

“So I had a moment where I looked around and people were in tears and having these incredible emotional moments and I went ‘Oh, I don’t feel any of this, do I?’

“It dawned on me that it meant one of two things. One – either everyone of these people and, indeed everyone of these people around the world, is faking it.

“Or there is a God. And he’s very specifically gone ‘that guy in aisle three, not him”.

“When you think about that, and the implications for a kid who’s come from a home with a not very happy marriage, that you feel the cosmos has decided it very much does not want you. Even if that doesn’t sound like the stakes were that high, it was high enough for me to go I shouldn’t be here anymore. I shouldn’t be here trying to will something to happen that is clearly not going to happen.”

Despite his lengthy history with the church, Fennell never personally encountered the now disgraced, former leader of Hillsong, Brian Houston or his wife Bobbie.

Award-winning journalist Marc Fennell (standing) unearthed this photo of himself as a boy with disgraced former pastor Frank Houston and his wife Hazel. Picture: SBS

However as part of research into the doco, Fennell unearthed a picture of himself, and other family members with Houston’s notorious father Frank – the self-confessed paedophile, and his wife Hazel.

“Can I tell you how weird that was – I didn’t realise that photo existed, but I remember the day,” he says. “I remember playing it up for the camera and getting a big laugh because I’m a, you know, show pony.

“I remember finding the photo and just going ‘Wow. That’s him’. But I don’t remember him at all.”

In The Kingdom, Fennell highlights tithing – where a portion of churchgoers’ income is given to the church – and how allegations of bullying, sexual assault and financial mismanagement of that tithing have impacted Hillsong’s popularity, by speaking with current and former believers who expose the very human cost of their involvement.

LISTEN TO THE FAITH ON TRIAL: HILLSONG PODCAST BELOW

One former believer is Sue Handisides. She attended for 18 years, married at Hillsong, and she and her husband were heavily involved in the community. She was also a Kingdom builder, a smaller group of congregants who donate extra money to the church’s coffers. She explains why she left the mega church in 2021 and now attends a much smaller Pentecostal church where she says the pastor knows her name and has time to check in with her.

But Fennell’s program is more than just another expose of a dodgy cult-like organisation. It’s a balanced presentation of what this movement offers its believers. And how Houston’s vision and ambition eclipsed his own wildest dreams.

“Whether that’s an inherently good or bad thing, I think really depends on people’s perspective and personal experiences,” Fennell says.

“It is a massive, massive arc, from New Zealand to starting a church Australia, in the Hills district and then all the way up to going to the White House.

“And, you know, I think that whether you like Hillsong or not – you have to acknowledge this is one of Australia’s greatest exports.

“It’s like there’s iron ore, the Hemsworth brothers, and then Hillsong.”

The Kingdom, Thursday, SBS On Demand, Sunday, 7.30pm, SBS

Originally published as Marc Fennell reveals his Hillsong past and how he ‘faked the euphoric feelings for years’