Confessions of an internet troll

A SELF-CONFESSED internet troll reveals how he's "almost addicted" to eliciting a reaction from people and feeding into the negativity online.  

Law gets tough on internet trolls

THE internet provides a voice for the otherwise voiceless. If you dislike something, anything — or in some cases, everything — your computer is a 24/7 gateway to share your disapproval with the world.

With that being said, lately I've come to realise that the worldwide web is a virtual sea of negativity. The phrase "If you have nothing good to say, then say nothing at all" is rarely applicable to those sitting behind a keyboard.

I know this better than some.

On this website, I share first-person accounts from my own life, and, for better or worse, my own, often strong, opinions. And through my work on this website, I've found that every coded virtual action comes with an equal and opposite reaction. For each personal viewpoint I put out into the world, there's always someone out there, waiting idly by, ready to shoot it down.

For instance, last week I wrote an article looking at the death of the televised music video. I thought it was well-informed and almost irrefutable. And on top of that, it was rather tame compared to some other topics I've covered over the last year. With that one in particular, I expected little to no internet backlash.

I was wrong.  Days after the column went live, here are a few of the responses I received:

"You're an obnoxious, self-loving a***ole."

"So we're supposed to listen to the chubby-faced guy who got fired from MTV?"

"You sucks, yo"

First off, no, that wasn't a typo. Apparently, I sucks, yo. Secondly, never in that music video article did I say that I "was fired" from MTV. In fact, I left on my own volition. But that's fine. And last but not least — chubby faced!? Snickers Ice Cream Bars are delicious. Screw you, pal.

But insults aside, oddly enough, I enjoy these types of grammatically incorrect, roast-type responses. I've come to realise that, in both my personal and professional life, I'm almost addicted to eliciting a reaction. So when I received comments like this throughout the week, I got a genuine kick out of them. I responded alternately with either, "Thanks for the support, brah!", "#ReachForTheStars" or "Guess what? I got paid to write that, dummy."

And while it's certainly not lost on me that responses like that could in fact classify me as an obnoxious, self-loving a***ole, I wrote them nonetheless. I fed into the negativity, which, at the end of the day, is what any internet troll really wants. They, much like myself, just want to elicit a response of some kind. I totally get it, and I don't vilify them for it.

Why? Because Bea Arthur, that's why.

Allow me to explain.

Back when I was in high school, my friend Biff and I somehow stumbled upon the now-defunct beaarthur.com — a virtual hub where Golden Girls fans celebrated all things Bea Arthur. And on this glorious, glorious website, there was a message board. Jackpot.

Being an obnoxious, self-loving a****ole even then, I was instantaneously enamoured with this ridiculous message board. On it were nothing but older women, who, all day long, chatted about their hero — the one, the only — Bea Arthur! Once I discovered this message board, I, much like the people who currently insult me, felt the need to jump in.

If one of those poor old housewives wrote "Episode 403 of Golden Girls is amazing," I'd write "Episode 403 of Golden Girls made me wanna kill myself!" If Betty from Peoria wrote "Bea Arthur is beautiful," "Pete from Long Island" would write something like "Bea Arthur looks like she has a penis." And if someone were to write "I miss Golden Girls so much!", I might write "Go feed your cats... all 16 of them."

Needless to say, this pissed these ladies off! As far as the Bea Arthur fanclub went, I was public enemy numero uno. And I absolutely loved it. It was simply hilarious. I'd laugh to the point of tears while needling these poor old ladies. I'd pay top dollar for screenshots of these virtual battles now.

Was I being an ass? Decidedly so. But did I truly have any disdain for Bea Arthur, The Golden Girls or any of these innocent older women? Nah, I just wanted to get that reaction.

And that, right there, is the reason why internet trolls exist. Often we, as people, innately crave attention. And a certain portion of humanity needs to get that attention by any means necessary. Sadly, insults draw bigger responses than compliments. That's the nature of humanity. So when trolls are subconsciously trying to get the world to notice them, they'll bark out contempt that often has very little real emotion behind it.  They're just typing for typing's sake, hoping to get that reaction.

So if you're a musician, actor, director, dancer, painter, writer or anyone else who creates a product and puts it out into the world, always remember to take the negative responses in stride. Never let an internet troll get to you. If you do, they win.

They're just trying to get a rise out of you. You don't really sucks, yo.