10 friends you need to get rid of on Facebook

THE average Facebook user has 338 friends – but are you sure you “like” all of them? If you’re considering a cull, here are the top 10 to start with.

A big logo created from pictures of Facebook users worldwide is pictured in the company's Data Center, its first outside the ...

LET’S just admit it. We can’t stand some of our Facebook friends.

If it’s not your racist Uncle Jeff complaining about brown people in the Middle East, it’s that annoying girl Stacey from high school, live-blogging her latest first-class Euro-trip to make you jealous.

The simple solution, of course, would just be to unfriend the lot of them. But those glorious days may be over, my friends.

At least, they’re over if your most annoying Facebook friends happen to be co-workers.

As reported earlier today, unfriending a co-worker from Facebook now constitutes ‘workplace bullying’. True – in this case it was just one of a number of issues. But ultimately, one co-worker unfriending another was described as evidence of “a lack of emotional maturity and is indicative of unreasonable behaviour.”

I call bullsh*t.

If you’re sensitive to the point where a simple unfriending sets you off, you probably shouldn’t be on Facebook. Or Twitter. Or any form of social media.

It’s already a bloodbath out there. The online world is just a huge, vicious orgy of humblebrags, photoshopped body parts and people trying to constantly remind you of how mundane your life is compared to theirs. Somewhere right now, Mark Zuckerberg is sitting in a dark billion-dollar lab, watching us all and laughing at our pain.

According to the Pew Research Centre, the average Facebook user’s friend count is 338. Here’s the big question: how many of those people are you actually still in touch with in real life?

If you need to start culling, here are the 10 Facebook types to start with:

1. THE SELFIE OVER-TAKER

Off to the beach today? Here’s a puckered-up, Valencia-filtered selfie to prove you weren’t lying about leaving your house. Hitting the gym for the eighth time this week? Your friends definitely need a photo of your shiny, sweaty, smelly torso as evidence. Bad stomach got you in a lengthy toilet session? A snap for every squelch!

Look, there’s nothing wrong with the occasional selfie. But if you’ve got someone posting album after album of near-identical glamour shots, it may be time to drop them a gentle note – or casually hit the ‘Unfriend’ button.

2. THE OVERSHARER

7.12AM: “Good morning Facebook :) :) :)”

7.18AM: “Urgh weather’s sooooo good why am I going to work today???”

7.33AM: “French toast or waffles for brekkie? lol can’t decide…’

7.51AM: “I think I’m gonna be late for the train…”

8.16AM: “OMFG missed my train, had too many waffles and couldn’t run properly!”

8.17AM: Waiting For The Train selfie

8.22AM: Still Waiting For The Train selfie

8:27AM: The Train’s Running Late selfie

8:31AM: Finally On The Train selfie

8.35AM: I Hate The Train Commute selfie

8:50AM: “Ewwwww that train smelled so gross!!!!!!!!11 Hope I get to work on time!”

8:57AM: “TGIF, right u guys!?! Like if u agree!!!!!”

And all before 9AM. Shut ‘em down now, before their daily “Inspirational quote” meme comes your way. They are probably as insufferable in real life as they are online.

3. THE LOVESICK COUPLE

They post public messages to each other – sometimes cute messages (that for some reason can’t just be texted privately), occasionally a cute photo, and often a cute in-joke nobody else will understand (to reinforce just how cute they are). They tag each other in their monthly milestone events, have a Check-In update for ‘Bed’ and are just two nauseating “kissing selfies” away from a joint Facebook account. Bleurgh. Get out now before the baby posts spam your wall.

4. THE SUPER-CRYPTIC SYMPATHY-CRAVER

“Why does it always happen to me...”

“You said you would always love me…’

“Can’t deal with it anymore…”

There’s one in every news feed. Their statuses are short, ominous and give very little away. They’re almost always followed by the ‘…’ to emphasise that far-off feeling of foreboding. This is no ordinary tragedy. That “…” means something really, really, REALLY dramatic has gone down. Any genuine request to ask what’s wrong is usually followed by a “Lol. Nothing. It’s fine. :).” And the daily cycle goes on.

5. THE RACIST, SEXIST, EVERYTHING-PHOBE

With names usually ending in “azza”, “ezza” or “uzza”, these are the charming folk who always get too drunk at the family barbecue and start saying things like “I’m not racist, but…’ followed by a slurred, unnecessarily loud monologue about how terrible minorities are. Their digital friendship is worth about as much as their southern cross tramp stamp.

6. THE ONE WHO TAKES OFFENSE TO JUST ABOUT EVERYTHING

A bit like Shazza and Gazza’s polar opposite, yet they’re oddly similar. This one will take offence at just about anything in the most vocal way possible, and constantly challenge you to furious debate (publicly, of course) about everything from politics to puppies. “Why would you post a photo of your puppy?! Puppies trigger me!!!!!!!”

7. THAT LONE PERSON WHO PLAYS FARMVILLE AND IS DETERMINED YOU PLAY TOO

You know who you are. Please listen very carefully. Stop inviting your friends to play Farmville, or any other generic Facebook game. No seriously, stop it. Trust me. They don’t want to. You probably already know they don’t want to, you sadist. And if you send them one more request, they are going to reach into the screen, pull out the entire animal kingdom and set two of every beast on you.

8. YOUR GREAT AUNT MURIEL

Oh Muriel. She’s trying to be all tech-savvy, hip and down with the youth of today, but she just has no idea what the hell is going on. You post a photo with your mates, and you all comment back and forth with some solid in-joke banter until suddenly… “HI DARLING HOW ARE U?? LOOK SO NICE AS USUAL R THESE UR FRIENDS?? DONT GO DRINKING LIKE THIS OR ULL END UP LIKE UNCLE BOB OK SEE U SOON LUV AUNTY MURI XOXO.” Cue awkward silence from all parties involved.

9. YOUR EX

Because while you’re trying to show off how amazing single life is, they’re probably too busy doing the exact same thing to notice. Put this one to bed. Not literally.

10. YOUR PARENTS

No explanation required.

Look, to be fair, some of us are prone to taking Facebook way too personally. Sometimes, the act of unfriending someone may cause unnecessary tension. If you really don’t want to go down that path, here’s a little tip: hit the downward arrow next to their status, and click ‘Unfollow’.

You’ll remain friends, but won’t have to detail with their monotonous, never-ending updates. Everybody wins!

Now go share this post and passive-aggressively tag your main offenders.

Follow Gavin on Twitter: @GavinDFernando

Originally published as 10 friends you need to get rid of on Facebook