Rugby World Cup: Media gearing up for Wallabies v England showdown

AS THE big match between England and Australia looms, the English media is going through the third stage of reporting: Return Serve.

England's head coach Stuart Lancaster (C) and forwards coach Graham Rowntree look on during the Captain's Run training session at Twickenham Stadium, south west London on September 25, 2015. England play Wales tomorrow in their second Rugby World Cup Pool A match. AFP PHOTO / ADRIAN DENNIS RESTRICTED TO EDITORIAL USE

AS THE biggest rugby match in the history of mankind — England versus Australia at Twickenham — draws closer, the English media is going through the third stage of reporting.

They’ve done Respect for weeks, went to town on Revile for 48 hours, are now halfway through Return Serve and praying for Redemption, which will hopefully lead to Rejoice.

If not, they’ll have to jump straight to Resign.

That’s just the way it works over here. For months leading up to the Rugby World Cup the English media have beaten the drum for the heroes in white louder than anything Ringo could manage on Sgt Pepper’s.

The pack was a well-oiled machine, Sam Burgess a wrecking ball with the smile of an angel and strength of an ox, and Stuart Lancaster a coach whose brilliance was matched only by his sensitivity (he shed a tear when telling Luther Burrell he hadn’t made the squad).

Not that he had any doubts about the side he’d picked.

“This is no gamble, no risk,” he said. “It’s exciting.”

RUGBY WORLD CUP: Wallabies v England

Richard Wigglesworth runs with the ball during the England training session at Pennyhill Park.

How could you not follow a man like that through the trenches?

And the whole country did too. Right up until fulltime in the loss to Wales.

“Amateurs”, screamed one headline. Former coaches and players-turned columnists were lining up to put in the boot, with Will Carling OBE and Sir Clive Woodward leading the charge. This was more than a game of footy let slip, it was trust ripped up like the pages of a London tabloid and thrown in the face of every red, white and blue-blooded English man, woman and child.

Lancaster couldn’t lead a busload of pensioners to the pub. He treated the team like schoolboys, said Carling. They were robots, who were so scared of deviating from Lancaster’s Plan A, that there was no Plan B.

England football, rugby and cricket World Cup woes have 2 things in common | @davekiddmirror http://t.co/zyDojPYpug pic.twitter.com/PEDCkb44Wy

— Mirror Sport (@MirrorSport) September 28, 2015

Maybe, but halfback Richard Wigglesworth came up with a Plan C. The one in which he referred to Carling as “Certain People”.

“Certain people who have come out and said things should know better,” he said. “It seems no one has ever made a mistake in life and no one has made a decision that hasn’t worked out for them. I have no interest in anything they have to say because they are not here.

“They are not living it and doing it and I ain’t bothered. They annoy me, piss me off, and I am not going to say they don’t. I am just indifferent to how ridiculous some of their chat is.”

Stuart Lancaster has another headache on his hands — as he waits for news on crocked trio http://t.co/AY1pgixMxZ pic.twitter.com/0FBkp0pNTz

— Sun Sport (@SunSport) September 29, 2015

It’s great copy. It has to be to knock yarns about Coronation St stars’ facelift horrors off the front page, and there’s plenty more to come.

As Jose Mourinho, the Chelsea FC coach who is arguably the most quoted man in Britain, said to a group of reporters recently (just before telling them to “click Google before asking stupid questions”): “You people like up and down”.

And it’s true. Reporters do like up and down. The only thing better to write about than a team winning, is a team losing. Nowhere is that more the case than in England, where the media builds up the prospects of its national teams to rarely achievable heights.

Stuart Lancaster, England head coach, was “gutted” after the thumping by Wales.

And if those teams — and especially their coaches — fail to attain those lofty standards, look out.

No wonder Lancaster could only utter the word “gutted” when asked how he felt after the thumping by Wales. He’s just 80 minutes away from the headline, “Resign Stu-pid” that the tabloid editors have had set waiting for use for the last six months.

Right alongside the one that reads: “Arise Sir Stu-pendous”.