From an ‘ink tax’ to Gallen v Rousey, Richard Hinds reveals how clubs can turn a profit
THE Dragons ‘ink tax’, the Sharks to plan Gallen v Rousey and the Eels turning to the United Nations, Richard Hinds reveals how NRL clubs can turn a profit.
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AS David (no longer Dave) Smith quickly found, teaching an NRL club to balance the books is like teaching a rhinoceros to throw a flick pass. Especially clubs that rely on the poker machine addiction of their fans to compensate for their own addiction to wasteful spending.
So the Daily Telegraph’s revelation that NRL clubs lost a combined $42.7 million last season was about as surprising as Shane Warne turning the jungle into a three million hectare ash tray.
Subsequently, NRL chairman and acting chief executive John Grant has warned clubs that if they do not return a profit in two years they would face expulsion or be forced to have Mal Meninga as their coach.
So here is how your club can start rolling in cash (or, in the case of the three clubs in the black, spend wisely):
South Sydney ($1.4 million profit): This should cover the cost of the proposed statue of the Burgess Brothers outside Redfern Oval, with funds set aside to remove graffiti applied by teammates.
Brisbane ($800,000 profit): Almost enough to give Wayne Bennett a three percent pay rise.
Warriors ($600,000 profit): A strong result but, in New Zealand dollars, only sufficient to pay for either Roger Tuivasa-Sheck’s first two games or the severance package of this year’s sacked coach.
North Queensland ($360,000 loss): The premiers would have turned a handsome profit but the ‘’all the Bundy and Coke you can drink’’ offer at the Cowboy’s fan day proved an expensive miscalculation. Sales of commemorative Johnathan Thurston garden gnomes are expected to put the ‘Boys in the black’.
Newcastle ($1 million loss): Private ownership worked so well the Knights have put out feelers to Geoffrey Edelsten, Clive Palmer and anyone who’s won second division or better in Lotto to see if they are interested in finishing the great work started by popular benefactor Nathan Tinkler.
Wests Tigers ($2.1 million loss): In an unusual show of unity the board has decided that if the team can do without Robbie Farah, it can do without the entire roster. That’s an instant $6.1 million annual saving with a negligible impact on recent performance.
Cronulla ($2.2 million loss): The Paul Gallen v Ronda Rousey fight alone is expected to net $5 million from pay-per-view subscribers. But the proposed expansion of the Sharks’ trophy cabinet has been postponed as the club continues to enjoy massive savings on silver polish.
St George-Illawarra Dragons ($2.6 million loss): The new ‘’ink tax’’ on players is expected to provide a financial windfall with Josh Dugan alone owing the Dragons $1.3 million. However budget forecasts were downgraded when it emerged Russell Packer is not related to James.
Manly ($2.9 loss): The Sea Eagles will be forced to dip into the ground improvement fund meaning efforts to turn Brookvale from a dilapidated suburban anachronism into a slightly less dilapidated suburban anachronism will be delayed.
Gold Coast ($3.3 million loss): The Titans will put their entire proceeds for 2016 on ‘’lucky number eight’’ at Jupiters Casino. The board described this as ‘’our best business plan since the Centre of Excellence’’.
Canterbury ($3.5 million loss): The transition of Belmore into the Des World theme park is almost complete. Fans will be able to get vintage haircuts, participate in the Bulldogs’ standard 13 hour weights session or use the Desctionary which translates Hasler’s press conferences into English.
Melbourne ($3.8 million): The Storm are confident they can generate extra revenue by maximising the use of current employees. Craig Bellamy’s has been booked for a 10 night stand at the Melbourne Comedy Festival while Billy Slater expects to be down to 52kg in time for the spring carnival.
Roosters ($3.9 million loss): Extreme cost-cutting measures will take place at Bondi with non-vintage champagne to be served at some functions. Meanwhile attempts to increase support will include memberships that provide the option of attending actual games.
Canberra ($5.4 million loss): Cost-cutting is illegal in Canberra. So the Raiders will spend an extra $5 million appointing an advisory board to oversee an assessment of an independent consultant’s findings into an inter-departmental review, with a view to forming a steering committee to provide further advice on the club’s financial operations by 2028.
Penrith ($6.4 million loss): The Panthers will copyright and sell their famous ‘’five year plan’’ to sporting clubs worldwide. So far the West Indies Test team, the Washington Generals and Latvian division two team FK Staiceles Bebri have expressed interest.
Parramatta ($8 million loss): The Eels are confident their board room will soon officially be declared a war zone. This will make them eligible for emergency funding from the United Nations, while players claiming refugee status can be interned and forced to play without pay.
POINTS THREAT PUTS A-LEAGUE CLUBS ON NOTICE
Wanderers’ officials considered the penalty for fans igniting flares and causing a delay in their game against Melbourne Victory too harsh. Some seasoned football commentators thought it was too soft. So you can figure that the FFA’s $50,000 and threat of a three point deduction was about right.
The potential of a points deduction, particularly, puts the impetus back on the Wanderers and other clubs to control their fans. Hopefully that means an end to the dog whistling that came from A-League clubs during the supporter boycott.
Fearful of upsetting a noisy minority, some clubs did not simply support the sensible idea of an appeals process for banned fans. They undermined the FFA’s ‘’zero tolerance’’ approach by elevating the rights of ‘’active supporters’’ above the comfort and safety of the vast majority of their own members.
That said, even after the Wanderers’ punishment, it was apparent how difficult it will be for clubs to talk sense to those fans whose sense of self-importance has been falsely inflated in recent months.
A statement purportedly on behalf of the Wanderers’ Red and Black Bloc said the group supported ‘’personal choice’’, while claiming the lighting of flares had been ‘’exacerbated in the media’’ and ‘’that if it was not flare use, the Wanderers fan base would have been targeted over other issues’’.
These are the levels of delusion and paranoia the Wanderers must confront. Good luck.
MAKE THE MOVE UNCLE NICK
Roosters powerbroker Nick Politis has threatened to move his club to ANZ Stadium if the much anticipated and greatly needed rebuilding of Allianz Stadium takes place, claiming his club could go out of business if forced to player games elsewhere.
If the Roosters are that fragile that they cannot withstand three years of inconvenience so that Sydney – and their own supporters - gets the rectangular stadium it deserves, perhaps they should consider an even bigger move.
Rockhampton Roosters anyone?
Originally published as From an ‘ink tax’ to Gallen v Rousey, Richard Hinds reveals how clubs can turn a profit
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