Meg Lanning’s secret struggle revealed: why Australian captain retired from international cricket

It was Australian cricket’s greatest mystery. Now, six months on from an international retirement that shocked teammates and fans, Meg Lanning reveals the depths of her struggles.

For years it was the best kept secret in Australian cricket – something was weighing on Meg Lanning’s young shoulders and not even her team-mates knew what it was.

In 2022, Australia’s batting great took a sabbatical from the game for personal reasons and worked in a coffee shop. In 2023 she withdrew from an Ashes tour of England for unexplained medical reasons just before the team left home.

The mystery is a mystery no more.

Lanning, who captained Australia with incredible poise and success for a decade from age 21, has decided to share her story.

Meg Lanning held back tears when she retired from international cricket last year. Picture: Getty

She hopes it will make others open up and feel the comfort she has felt talking about her challenges with people “even if they don’t have the answers.’’

In a remarkable interview, self-confessed one-time “closed book’’ Lanning, who retired last year at just 32, has opened up to Fox Cricket’s Mark Howard in a Howie Games podcast to reveal inner the anxieties she kept far away from public view, not simply from fans but team-mates and even her family.

It’s a tale without a villain, a sensitive story of what can happen when the grind of relentless pressure inside the sporting bubble tilts a young life off its axis.

“I was in denial,’’ she said at least three times to Howard.

“I just became a different person, pretty hard to be around I’d say. I never really opened up to many people. I was a very closed book. I always pretended or made it look everything was fine when it probably wasn’t.’’

Lanning led Australia to unparralleled success during her reign as captain. Picture: Getty

Lanning, whose nickname Megastar befits her status as one of women’s cricket’s greatest batters, declined to call her condition an eating disorder but says she had an “unhealthy relationship with food and exercise.’’

The short story is that Lanning, seeking an escape from the pressures of the cricket bubble, sought solace and control in running up to 90kms a week but did not eat enough food to fuel her “obsession.’’

She lost seven kilograms, struggled to concentrate, engage with people or even just sleep at night.

“I dreaded night time because I knew I would go to bed and not be able to sleep,” she said,

“That would make me so mad. I would just get more angry with myself. If you can’t sleep you can’t do anything.’’

Incredibly, she kept scoring piles of runs for Australia.

Lanning is still not sure that was a good thing because it only fueled her belief she was fine when she actually wasn’t.

Lanning celebrates with her Commonwealth Games gold medal in 2022. Picture: Getty

The legend of her batting feats will only grow given the now-revealed mental challenges she faced in the last few years of her career.

“I was over exercising and under fueling. I got to the point where I was doing about 85-90ks a week. I was in denial. It became a bit of ‘I am going to show you’ sort of thing,” she said.

“It sort of just spiralled. I was not in a place to be able to go on tour and play cricket and give the commitment levels required for that Ashes series mentally and physically.

“I am naturally fine spending time with myself but there were very few people who I would want to engage with. I would get really snappy – real moody – if anyone asked anything.

“I got down to 57kgs from 64kgs. It wasn’t ridiculous (but it was) significant. The ratios were out of whack. I did not realise (it affected) my ability to concentrate. I didn’t really want to see other people. I disengaged a lot from friends and family.

“It (the running) became a bit of an obsession. I could escape mentally. I would throw the headphones in but would not take my phone with me. I would have my Apple watch with me and listen to music. Nobody could contact me.”

Despite her personal struggles, Lanning was consistently one of the best batters on the planet. Picture: Getty

Asked by Howard whether her condition could be labelled an eating disorder, Lanning said: “It was not labelled that but I was exercising a lot but not eating enough to fuel that – I was a bit out of whack. I felt very out of control in terms of what my future looked like if it’s not cricket what does life look like if I am not playing.

“How could I not want to travel the world and play cricket? That doesn’t make any sense.’’

Asked whether her team-mates were fully aware of her plight, she said: “I think they knew something was up. I couldn’t see anything in my appearance but (others) could see it. And everything that comes with it. You become grumpy. Not talking to many people. Not being able to concentrate. Not sleeping. Your head just goes round and round and it’s not a nice place to be.’’

Lanning said her teammates likely suspected something was amiss. Picture: Getty

Lanning was renowned for her sensible, mature approach to captaincy and is rated one of the best Australian captains - male or female - of the century.

But she could also relate to the words of another 21-year-old Test skipper, South Africa’s Graeme Smith, who once said “the problem with being a young captain is you lose part of your growing up experience - things become very serious, very quickly.’’

Lanning said that while touring life offered great joys it could also be deceptively lonely.

Lanning says she still has to answer on-going “questions in my head’’ but the storm has passed and she hopes her story will help others.

“I’ve learnt that regardless of who you are there is always something happening. I guess I have realised how much telling to people and letting them know can actually help even if they don’t have an answer.’’

Originally published as Meg Lanning’s secret struggle revealed: why Australian captain retired from international cricket