England’s latest baffling decision highlights everything wrong with the Ashes tourists
England, after suffering a humiliating defeat at the Gabba, will now be trailed by a tidal wave of inquests into Bazball. And their next move won’t ease the burning spotlight fixed on them.
That’s Queensland for you … Neser one day, Noosa the next.
You have got to hand it to England’s tourists. They know how to prepare for a Test.
Before Test one it was a solitary hit and giggle game in Perth on a low deck. Before the second it was avoiding a pink ball game in Canberra which was fine until they dropped five catches at the Gabba as they struggled to see the pink ball.
And now the team will head off to Noosa for some rest and recovery before the third Test in Adelaide after losing the second Test in Brisbane to – let’s be honest – an Australian side which looked hugely gettable on paper.
That man you see in dark glasses at the ice cream shop in Hastings Street could well be an English cricket star.
England might well find Noosa’s a great place for peace and serenity until it’s not.
England will now be trailed by a tidal wave of inquests into Bazball, whether it should be abandoned, why it’s not working and what is the future.
Michael Neser’s five wicket haul was remarkable because it may well be his last act as a Test player if, as expected, Pat Cummins and Nathan Lyon return for Adelaide. No wonder his teammates celebrated it with unrestrained joy.
Neser is just the sort of player England are missing, a bankable man whose gap between his best and worst days is barely the width of a dollar coin. England, by contrast, are all over the shop.
To be fair to the selectors, Neser’s haul vindicated his selection ahead of spinner Nathan Lyon even though plenty of observers (myself included) criticised them for doing it.
England coach McCullum is one of cricket’s coolest cats but he must feel positively haunted by Australia.
As the fallout of another Test loss sat heavily on England’s besieged shoulders, McCullum must be wondering if he will ever roll them in a series. This is his ninth try as a player and coach.
As a player for New Zealand he won just one Test out of 16 against them and failed to win any of the seven series the Kiwis played them. He drew the last series in England with Australia, but this one is all but gone.
Why does this matter? Because anyone who has ever played sport knows when you get beaten so often by an opponent, sometimes the aching muscle memory standing between you and victory feels like a dam wall.
Bazball fans will say that’s not how the coach thinks but England have so much to overcome now.
No player in the squad knows what it is like to win a Test – not a series, a Test – in Australia. Teams need happy memories.
The thing that McCullum has to address is not addressing the ceiling with this team but the floorboards.
Their best is breath-taking but their worst is buttock-clenchingly bad. The gap is far too wide.
Anyone for quiet beer at the Noosa surf club?
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