Dane Swan gives a behind the scenes look at what it’s like being a favourite on Brownlow night

BROWNLOW night has changed over the years - Dane Swan should know. There’s booze restrictions thanks to one man, rules of engagement around Big Bruce McAvaney and plenty of do’s and don’ts to ensure you don’t upset your missus or your mum.

Dane Swan with his 2011 Brownlow.

IN 2010 I was a $1.80 Brownlow favourite and Collingwood asked whether I had a speech prepared for “when you win it” — not “if you win it”.

I said, “No, I’ll just make something up,” so they came back with all these little cards with names on them of people I needed to thank. I carried them in my pocket all night and I think they jinxed me.

Chris Judd missed the first three games then polled five best-ons in a row and ruined my night; I finished third, behind him and Gary Ablett.

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The next year they asked me the same thing and I said, “P--- off, if I happen to win it I’ll just make it up” — and that’s what I did.

The lesson is clear for Tom Mitchell, my mate Dustin Martin and all this year’s contenders — don’t worry about the speech until it happens.

For a start, if you walk into the Brownlow saying, “Actually, I have a big speech and when I win I’m going to get up there and read it,” you’ll look like a d---head.

Anyway, you don’t have to worry because Bruce McAvaney has got it all nailed down.

You’ve got to look cool on Brownlow night. No matter what you’re thinking.

He knows everything and all the right questions to ask.

He’s brilliant at what he does — in the weeks leading up to Brownlow night he visits all the top chances and has a huge folder where he writes down notes about your family or stories he can use so he has a bit to talk about.

So Bruce will lead you in the right direction.

If you’ve got a partner, don’t leave her out — or him, depending on who you are — and mention your sponsors because they pay the bills.

Apart from that I’ve always been one to wing it.

Having said all that, it does pay to do a bit of preparation before the biggest night on the footy calendar.

The way you get invited to the Brownlow is the club nominates six players they think will poll well and the AFL gets those names and ticks them off. So, if for some reason Hawthorn doesn’t nominate Tom Mitchell this year, the AFL would say Tom has to come.

There were a few less tattoos in 2007.

Obviously, in 2007 the footy club didn’t think I had a very good year, even though I finished fourth in the best-and-fairest. So the Pies left me off the list and the AFL didn’t know who I was so they didn’t argue with it.

Then came the day of the Brownlow, which also doubled as our Mad Monday after Geelong knocked us out of the finals on the Friday night. (The hardest thing in footy is making it from a Friday night prelim to Mad Monday).

It’s been well documented I was in a Spider-Man outfit and we were going back to Alan Didak’s place to get changed to go out that night and the Brownlow was on the TV.

It went from being on in the background while we were getting changed and having a few drinks to everyone sitting on the couch and me saying, “F---, what’s going on here — I’m in front in the Brownlow.”

Tom Mitchell looks set to become the 6th favourite in the past 7yrs to win the Brownlow Medal, with only Matt Priddis causing the upset in 2014 at $41

42% of single bets have been on Tom, who firmed from $1.60 to $1.55 this week. Our largest bet taken for Tom is $12k at $1.60🥇

— TAB (@tabcomau) September 23, 2018

My phone started going mad and Pickers, my manager Liam Pickering, was saying, “Mate, you might have to go into the Brownlow.”

I said, “The AFL didn’t want to invite me so I won’t be going.” I wouldn’t have been able to talk anyway.

Thankfully Jimmy Bartel stormed over the top of me — crisis averted. I think the AFL made sure I got an invite the next year.

From a player’s point of view, the Brownlow can be a boring night. But don’t believe players when they are interviewed on the red carpet or during the count and they all say, “I’m just here for a good night, I hope I get a vote.” It’s all the same bulls---. You have to say that, obviously, because you’ll look arrogant if you say, “Yeah, I expect to poll 30 votes,” or, “If I don’t come first or second, the umpires are kidding themselves.”

There are some things you don’t say on the red carpet.

Clearly nobody is going to say that, but if you’ve had a decent year, why wouldn’t you want to win it?

In 2011, I missed a game to go to Arizona during the season and came back and played the best stretch of 10 games in my career. I was $15 that year and all the so-called experts said if I didn’t win it in 2009 I wasn’t going to win it that year.

They say it’s not the votes that you expect to get that win you the Brownlow, it’s the votes you don’t expect. And I polled two votes against the Bulldogs in Round 2 when I wasn’t very influential at all.

I remember Nick Maxwell sitting next to me elbowed me and said, “Mate, you’re home.”

It was only Round 2, so I told him to shut up because I had to toe the party line, too.

Everyone who’s a chance tries to play it cool and look like you’re not caring, but I was like a duck swimming on a lake — cool on top but legs going furiously under the water.

I didn’t really get to celebrate winning that year because we were playing in the Grand Final, although looking back I probably should have gone to the afterparty because I didn’t get a kick in that Granny anyway.

My teammates didn’t let me dine out on this for too long.

It was pretty hard to sleep — when you win the Brownlow your phone blows up as everyone you know sends you messages.

But footy clubs are great places and they level you out pretty quickly.

We had recovery down at St Kilda Sea Baths on the Tuesday and I walked in strutting like a peacock thinking, “I’m pretty cool because I’ve won the Brownlow.” You get put back in your place pretty smart and you realise that you’re just a part of the team.

Football moves very quickly. By the time I woke on the Tuesday morning, I was just one of the boys out in the middle of the bay freezing.

Come to think of it, I don’t actually know where my Brownlow Medal is. I’m pretty sure one of my mates had it on after we had a couple of beers one day and took it home. I think it’s safe at a mate’s house somewhere, but I should probably chase that up.

I haven’t been to the Brownlow since I retired. I don’t think I’ll be rushing back any time soon, but if I do go again, I might take Mum or Dad just to show them what it’s like.

SWANNY’S SURVIVAL GUIDE

DON’T arrive too early. The AFL tries to jam you in but the count doesn’t actually start until 8.30pm so you don’t need to be there until about 8.20pm, unless your partner wants to show off her dress or jewellery. The red carpet is done by about 5.30pm then they feed you, then you sit around doing nothing for two hours. I would say hold off and get there as late as possible because it’s a very long night, especially if you’re not going to get a vote.

DEFINITELY take a hip-flask. They don’t have beer and alcohol on the table any more. We can thank Fev (Brendan Fevola) for ruining it for everyone. Waiters only come around to top you up at the ad breaks, so if you or your partner or one of the other players can take a little hip-flask full of whatever spirit you prefer that goes a long way to helping make the night more enjoyable.

Thanks for the alcohol restrictions, Fev!

MAKE sure you have a good table. You don’t want to get stuck with people who are boring or who don’t enjoy themselves. If you don’t have a missus, take a good mate who knows how to enjoy themselves.

DON’T leave your partner halfway through the night to go upstairs with the boys. That doesn’t go down well with your partner or your coach. One year it was pretty boring and we’d had enough so we left after about Round 8, and it’s fair to say people weren’t super happy with us.

SWANNY’S BROWNLOW TIP

Umpires see the stats and when you’ve had 45 or 50 touches it’s pretty hard to ignore. Tom Mitchell would deserve it. I think he’ll win it from Duz (Dustin Martin) and Patrick Cripps — he might poll in 13 games, but they might be all ones because they were getting their a---- kicked.

AFL BROWNLOW RED CARPET LIVE COVERAGE

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Originally published as Dane Swan gives a behind the scenes look at what it’s like being a favourite on Brownlow night