Why children of divorce are the lucky ones

My parents stayed together for the sake of my sister and me until they finally divorced when I was in my late teens. But staying in a miserable marriage doesn’t help a child at all.

Why children of divorce are the lucky ones

Are you staying in a miserable marriage for the sake of your children? If you can’t fix it, do them a favour and end it.

I grew up in a home where my parents stayed together for the sake of my sister and me until they finally divorced when I was in my late teens. Let me tell you, they weren’t doing themselves, or us, a kindness.

There were constant heated (and sometimes physically violent) fights, days filled with deafening silent resentment, lobbying campaigns aimed to ensure we would side with one over the other, and rumours of infidelities.

It was a childhood embedded in a community-theatre style version of Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf.

Of course the stigma surrounding family breakdown used to be far greater then too.

Divorce was once a rarity, not because marriages were necessarily made of hardier stuff, but because up until the introduction of no-fault divorce in 1976, filing for this meant the gruelling and often humiliating process of attributing guilt.

When my ex husband and I split after 13 years of marriage there was no need to finger point. But it certainly wasn’t a decision we took lightly; we debated, discussed and tried many sessions of counselling.

We both finally decided that we, and our kids, deserved more.

And we are not alone in reaching this decision.

Today, roughly 18 per cent of children have divorced parents (and many more have parents who never married, but also chose to part ways).

There’s no escaping the fact that there are plenty of things about this that will suck for these kids. Dragging bags of clothes and school bags between houses. Missing out on spending all of Christmas Day with both parents as they are ferried between homes. Having to adjust to new partners, and the possibility of new siblings.

Many of the old hostilities may in fact only amplify too as children can be used as pawns whilst maintenance and custody arrangements are negotiated.

But I’d like to think that the upside for these kids will be more than scoring twice the number of gifts on their birthday.

They will learn that when faced with an unhealthy or deeply unhappy relationship they can make the brave choice to start again. Even if this means starting alone.

They’ll come to know that a family is not necessarily made up of any particular set configuration of people, but a blending of hearts. That rather than shrinking after divorce, families can shift and expand.

And they will develop the resilience needed to face the certainty of life’s uncertainties.

I’m sure there are some who break up their families too soon, with little regard for the impact this may have on their kids.

But I am also certain most parents who make the choice to end a relationship do so only after exhausting all other avenues and with a genuine desire to ensure their children grow up in a happier, healthier, safer environment.

So when I hear about a celebrity couple with children who have split, rather than joining in the throng that wail “Won’t somebody think of the children!”, I tend to think, “I’m glad they thought about their children.”

Dannielle Miller is an author, educator and media commentator.

@MillerDannielle

Originally published as Why children of divorce are the lucky ones