What the hell are Meghan and Harry playing at?

The Duke and Duchess of Sussex may fancy themselves as new age change makers, but they’d do well to remember that playing politics only ends one way when the royal family is involved, writes Lucy Carne.

Carrots in plastic bags and mermaids.

These two items have potentially done more damage to the modern royal family than toe sucking and imaginary tampons — and we have Team Sussex to blame.

Meghan Markle’s decision to guest edit the September issue of British Vogue has unleashed a wave of wokeness that threatens to topple the very foundations of royal stability the Queen has diligently rebuilt since “annus horribilis”.

Instead of featuring on the cover herself — which was perfectly acceptable for Kate Middleton, Princess Diana and Princess Anne before her — Meghan deemed it “too boastful” and instead featured 15 female cover stars, who Buckingham Palace described as, “trailblazing change makers, united by their fearlessness in breaking barriers”.

MORE FROM LUCY CARNE: Families are struggling. And the royals just rub it in

There is teen climate change seer Greta Thunberg, transgender actor Laverne Cox, black models Adwoa Aboah and Adut Akech, L’Oreal spokeswoman Jane Fonda, former supermodel Christy Turlington and actor Salma Hayek (conveniently the wife of Francois-Henri Pinault, the billionaire owner of Vogue’s main advertiser).

And then, like some painfully sincere high school project, there is the mirrored square to reflect the face of you, dear reader, for you are a force of change, just like these wealthy and mostly non-white beauties.

Prince Harry says he and wife Meghan will have no more than two children because of concerns for the environment. Picture: Dominic Lipinski/AP

For the purposes of honest opinion, let’s stop pretending this is inspirational and call it out for what it is: a lazy list of tokenistic kleptomania.

It judges women by how they look and who they are — not what they have done.

A more accurate line-up of fearless, female change makers could have included:

• The greatly under-recognised Australian microbiologist Dr Dharmica Mistry, who discovered a revolutionary non-invasive blood test to detect breast cancer in women and men;
• Maria Ressa, the Filipino-American journalist and outspoken critic of Philippines President Rodrigo Duterte;

• Somali-born activist Ayaan Hirsi Ali, who has dedicated her life to fighting the oppression of Muslim women;
• Or perhaps the longest serving British monarch of all time, Queen Elizabeth II?

MORE FROM LUCY CARNE: Queen Elizabeth isn’t woke, she’s a feminist icon

But, no. As Meghan explained in her gushing editor’s letter she wanted to “shine a light in a world filled with seemingly daily darkness”.

Despite wearing a $4100 Gucci dress in her magazine shoot, she also branded fashion “superficial” and “at the shallow end of the pool”.

Oh, and she wants us all to be mermaids.

She shared her favourite quote by Anais Nin that says: “I must be a mermaid … I have no fear of depths and a great fear of shallow living.”

Rather than follow in the footsteps of Kate Middleton, Princess Diana and Princess Anne, Meghan Markle has changed things up. Picture: Instagram/@SussexRoyal

We’re not in the deep end with this earnest political correctness. We’re not even in the shallows — we are running across the hot bitumen of the car park.

This isn’t the Wall Street Journal. This is Vogue. It is the bible of superficial aspiration devoured in hair salons and nail spas.

The magazine also features Harry’s pledge to only have two children to help save the planet.

In China it’s called Communist-enforced social engineering, but to the Sussexes, it’s environmental compassion.

MORE FROM LUCY CARNE: Can we put away the bums already?

He also targeted carrots wrapped in plastic as a “dirty habit” during a speech last week, adding that it “makes no sense” that people buy them.

So people who buy bagged carrots or have three kids are destroying the planet, yet it’s fine for his wife to take a round trip to New York on a private jet for her baby shower?

Spare us this sanctimonious tripe.

It makes me nostalgic for the simpler days when Harry wore a Nazi costume and got his wang out in Vegas.

As a former Europe correspondent based in London for this newspaper, I was often asked to seek a response from the Queen on significant political events.

“The Queen and the British Royal Family do not comment on political matters. You know this,” the Buckingham Palace senior press officer would sigh down the phone every time.

The royal couple have made many changes since announcing the engagement. Picture: Dominic Lipinski/PA Wire

Clearly someone needs to pass that on to Meghan and Harry. Or maybe they have and they’re just not listening.

The British royals serve a specific purpose: to provide an image of unity and stability beyond the vacillating grubbiness of politics.

That is the privileged immunity of royalty. They rise above the miasmas of common debate.

MORE FROM LUCY CARNE: There’s nothing empowering about a female 007

It is also a clever tactic by the Queen to protect her legacy and the future of the monarchy.

She knows too well how quickly the public can turn on them if they express a clashing view (Edward VII’s support for Hitler or the Queen and Prince Phillip’s lack of mourning for Diana).

Meghan and Harry’s hypocritical, manic piggybacking on every woke issue threatens the House of Windsor’s neutrality and longevity.

It won’t take long for his patronising preaching to take its toll on the public’s acceptance of the royal family.

Then Meghan and Harry really will be “trailblazing change makers”.

Lucy Carne is editor of Rendezview