We need to stop telling blokes to ‘man up’

My success as a scriptwriter has not made me immune from depression, and a recent spate of suicides by high-achievers just drives home the point that mental health issues don’t discriminate, writes Daniel Bennett.

Depression.

It’s such an emotive word. Too often it’s misused; people having a bad day say “I’m depressed”. But depression is not just a “bad day”. When real, and serious, it actually means you’re stuck in your bed. It means that your brain is a mess. Even the minutiae — anything you’ve ever done to anyone that is remotely regretful — remains an extraordinary burden to you. Nonsensical, but fact.

You forget every joy you’ve ever had — so, so many joyful times — they all just disappear and you feel like you’re falling into a hole. And it’s constant. It means you don’t eat. It means that you self-medicate. It consumes every part of you.

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Being famous or perceived as successful is no protection from mental illness either.

US TV host and chef Anthony Bourdain died by suicide last year. Picture: AFP/Angela Weiss

In the past 12 months, prominent celebrity chef and US TV host Anthony Bourdain died by suicide. Just this month, after openly discussing his battle with depression, Sydney chef Justin Bull took his own life, as did respected Sydney chef and restaurateur Jeremy Strode in 2017. Television personality Charlotte Dawson died by suicide in February 2014 after a long and often public battle with mental health. Likewise, Annalise Braakensiek died January 8 this year, also at her own hand. We should all be alarmed by this.

Last year 65,000 people in Australia made an attempt to take their own life — 3000 succeeded. Suicide is a national emergency, and we are simply not doing enough about it.

In Australia, it’s estimated that 45 per cent of people will experience a mental health condition in their lifetime — 45 per cent. There is something very wrong here.

It seems obvious that we don’t talk to each other about our mental health struggles often enough. Especially guys. And when it is mentioned by a bloke, “just man up” is a response I’ve heard more times than can be counted. And I don’t really understand what it means, if I’m honest.

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Chef Jeremy Strode had been involved with events to support R U OK? Day. Picture: supplied

To me, a “man” is a good bloke with good morals, who treats people nicely, and is respectful and honest and trustworthy. All the men I know have these traits. Why should suffering from depression count me out of that equation? Telling someone to “man up”, as if they somehow lack something — masculinity or strength — is at best offensive, at worst erosive to the soul of the person you’re saying it to. We need to be careful with our words, our characterisations, the way we make people feel. Because I know from personal experience that depression doesn’t discriminate.

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As a scriptwriter and series executive, I’ve been lucky enough to work on some of the biggest shows on Australian TV. Home And Away, Winners and Losers, Neighbours, and lots of other hit miniseries and hit shows. So what do I have to complain about? The truth? I complain about nothing. Without sounding like a wanker, by every measure I have been lucky enough to have success — raise ratings for the shows I work on, earn money for the networks I’ve worked for … yet here I am. Because here’s the thing: depression doesn’t discriminate.

We need to encourage more men, in particular, to talk about their mental health, and be mindful of how we respond too. Picture: iStock

Sometimes life just hurts for no reason. That’s what depression is. And that’s what people need to realise. It’s not a thing — a word that we use flippantly because it’s in vogue — it’s a real thing, afflicting people around you every day.

So, a) Let’s please stop throwing the word “depression” around as if it means nothing. Too many people suffer real depression for it to just become a throwaway word.

And, b) Let’s be open to talking to each other. We have one day a year — R U OK? day — where people check in. We need more than that. If you love someone, ask the question all the time. Don’t tell anyone, ever, to “man up”. Ask your mates “are you really OK?” until it drives them up the wall. Because one time, that person might just answer: “I need help” … and then you could help save a life.

Too often people are afraid to ask the question, for fear of offending. But ask. Ask the question. Lives — as we’ve seen too often — depend on it.

Dan Bennett is a TV scriptwriter and series executive based in Sydney.

@DanMBennett

If you or someone you know is suffering from depression or feeling suicidal, help is available.

Adults can contact:

beyondblue: 1300 22 4636

Lifeline: 13 11 14

Younger people can contact:

headspace: 1800 650 890

Kids Helpline: 1800 55 1800

Originally published as We need to stop telling blokes to ‘man up’