Judith Locke: Family rules to help kick that phone addiction

Phone addiction is seriously impacting what should be family time. Psychologist Judith Locke has some simple rules to help manage it, so we can get back to enjoying each other’s company.

A funny thing happened at my group fitness class this week – they appeared to give up on mobile phones.

After a series of incidents, including one patron actually answering her phone a few times in the middle of a class, they had banned them from the space.

But since then, they’ve appeared to cave to the pressure of people who, distraught at the prospect of a few minutes before the class started without something to do, have insisted their phone fill the gap. So, mobiles have been allowed back in.

How have we come to this – where people seem so terrified of a few moments of their

thoughts that they need their phone right next to them at all times?

Psychologists understand the lure of the phone. We know that it brings easy hits of dopamine and oxytocin – the feel-good chemicals in your brain. So, every time you hear the ting of a text message, or a notification that someone likes your social media post, you get a high similar to a group of friends laughing at your joke or a hug from a family member.

How did we get to a place where we can’t stand to be parted from our phones for a few minutes?

But given that these phone highs come so easily and last so briefly, it means that we seek more. And we keep looking back to the device to give us good feelings again – making us feel we need to be permanently attached to it.

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Our phones can also boost our egos. We like to think we are important people and required at all times. Therefore, needing to always have our phone near us makes us feel better about ourselves. This can work in subtle ways too. If your friend has their phone out when you don’t, then it suggests that they’re a little more essential to others than you. It takes great resolve for you not to take yours out too, to prove your worth.

So, what’s all of this doing in a parenting column? Well, phone addiction is seriously impacting what should be quality family time.

Many children complain about their parent being on their phone all of the time. Parents too grumble that tweens or teens stare at their phone rather than involve themselves in family get-togethers. Some parents seem to have given up on this as being ‘what kids do’ – but I think they have done so prematurely.

The presence of a phone impacts the chance of being present in a space. Research shows us that having a phone on the table makes you less likely to enjoy the company of others.

It also impacts on family and friends, who are likely to feel the sting of rejection when you place your phone in front of you while chatting to them. If you pick it up every single time it buzzes, then you are choosing to prioritise other potential interactions over the person you are spending time with, and the story they are now telling you.

The vacant phone stare is becoming more and more familiar. Picture: iStock

I’m not saying that people should never be with their phone. If you are waiting on genuinely important news such as your parent’s operation then, yes, place it discreetly near you and explain why.

I’m also not suggesting parents should be in rapt attention to their child at all times. You need some down time and your child needs to learn to amuse themselves without an audience.

If they’re safe and having their own fun, then of course a parent can have a few moments of scrolling or playing.

But there should be some activities where phones are not allowed for anyone to use, such as eating family meals, watching a movie at home together, and when a family member or friend is there, purely to spend time with you.

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Show your loved ones that they are important to you at these times: don’t phone it in.

Have these rules apply for everyone in the family

● No double screens. You are either watching TV or looking at your phone, but you cannot do both, as you risk not enjoying either.

● When eating a family meal at a restaurant, phones should not be allowed before or during the meal as you all catch up. Later, as talk continues, you might allow the kids to play on a screen.

● Try to avoid pulling out your phone to use in your conversation as much as you can.

● If you do use it to illustrate a story, then put it away quickly.