Is there anything worse than moving house?

Tips when moving: measure the bed and then measure the lift. Buy 15 large cardboard boxes (just for the kitchen). Get a prescription for Valium. And don’t throw out the TV stand.

Removalists

It was all going well until they tried to get the bed in the lift.

“It’s too big,” said Tall Removalist.

“It won’t fit,’’ said Diminutive Mate.

“You’re right,” I nodded sagely (for even to someone as impractical as myself, it was obvious that we would have to buy a smaller bed or sleep on the floor).

Tip one when moving: Measure the bed and then measure the lift.

Tip two: Buy 15 large cardboard boxes. These are just for the kitchen which you will discover contains sufficient pots, pans, dishes, bowls and utensils to cook dinner for the entire population of Tasmania.

Tip three: Before you begin, get a prescription for Valium. You’ll need it. On the way home, buy some earplugs.

These will be useful when your partner, who has forgotten to take her Valium, discovers that you have thoughtfully packed some of her more precious belongings in a box.

Which box? Ah, yes. Which box indeed, for there was the odd one which you forgot to label.

Then there was the big TV screen mounted on the wall. It came with a stand and when I cleaned out the garage I threw it out.

Why? Because I am an idiot. These stands are impossible to buy and the TV now leans against the wall, facing the ceiling.

To watch it, you have to sit on a ladder.

We can’t drill holes in the wall and mount it because we’re renting until our new home is completed in September.

Yep. A double move. This one’s just for practice.

Tip four: Inform Telstra three weeks in advance of your new address so that you will move seamlessly from one domicile to the other with no disruption to your internet connection.

This is a complete waste of time as you discover when you hook up your computers and ring Telstra. You will find that in this supposedly IT savvy, technologically-advanced nation of ours, there is a shortage of ports, whatever they are. Without one, you can’t get Wi-Fi in your home.

“When will we get a port?’’ we asked Telstra.

They couldn’t say. They would call us every day to keep us posted. This, of course, has not happened. No one has called and it’s been a week.

Does it take more than a week to get an internet connection in South Korea, Taiwan, Japan or Singapore? Probably not.

Did I mention the roadworks outside our new address? They start at 7pm and go until 4am and keep us, and I presume the entire street, awake every night. Why not do the work during the day?

I rang the council, who said someone would call me. This, of course, has not happened.

The bed? Tall Removalist and his mate carried it five floors up the fire escape, bless them.

“All part of the service,’’ they said, smiling.

If the removalists were running Telstra and the council, we’d all be in much better shape.

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Originally published as Is there anything worse than moving house?