I’m not a heavy drinker, despite what my kids say

My daughter told her Prep teacher I had abandoned her at the airport to go to the bar and drink wine, writes Frances Whiting. But this story has nothing on the wobbly my friend’s son cooked up.

Before you read this column, you should know two things.

One, I am not a drinker, and two, if I was, the last place I would drink is in an airport bar.

Now, when I say I’m not a drinker, I mean I am not a regular, heavy, or even medium-to-heavy drinker.

MORE FROM FRANCES WHITING: My husband didn’t talk to me. It made me love him more

I’d say I am a light to moderate imbiber — I rarely drink at home, but will have a glass of wine or two if out to dinner with friends. Three or four glasses if they are friends I feel particularly comfortable with, and laugh best with.

If only we could bottle the imagination of children. Picture: Jonathan Bentley/News Corp Australia

Now the reason I am at pains to say this is because when my daughter was in Prep, she wrote a story for her teacher, who drew my attention — and probably Child Services’ — to it, and, thankfully because she knew me quite well, laughed as she showed it to me.

MORE FROM FRANCES WHITING: One woman’s rose is another’s rubbish

I share it today because my mate Annabelle (not her real name, which is Kristy) was recently called into her son’s classroom, wherein the teacher — who does not know her so well — also drew her attention to something her little boy had written in class.

It said: “My mum’s hobby is keeping men. She keeps a man in the yard to play with.”

“Ha!” said Kristy, “I wish.” And so do we all, Kristy, so do we all.

Imagine that as a hobby: And what do you collect, Hortense? “I like to collect china jugs.”

And what about you, Rita? What’s your particular area of interest? “I like to throw pottery.”

And you, Enid? “I have a collection of Swedish exercise instructors I keep in my potting shed.”

Top tip: Don’t let the siblings collaborate — two imaginations combined could end in some pretty awkward questions from teachers. Picture: Getty

The thing is, Kristy has no idea — unless she is not telling me something (I might take a bit of a poke around her garden next time I am there) — where on Earth her son got this idea from. She has tried to work it out, but to no avail.

MORE FROM FRANCES WHITING: I lost three readers this week. But they’ll be back

There is no aspect of her life wherein this scenario could possibly occur, but yet there it was, written in her own son’s hand.

“Don’t worry,” I told her, “Kids make up these things all the time”, and then I told her about my daughter’s story, which went exactly (the words have burned into my memory) like this.

“On the weekend we went to the airport. It was very big. I got lost and lost my mummy. I was scared. I looked and looked for Mummy but I could not find her. But then I went to the bar, and my mummy was in there having a very big glass of wine.”

MORE FROM FRANCES WHITING: Is this the ugliest Christmas angel ever?

I was not and I did not, but still, I have kept that note among all the other precious memories of my rapidly growing girl’s childhood imaginings, even if they were imagining her mother abandoning her at the international airport for the sake of a bowl of peanuts and a glass of chardy.

Have your kids ever told any whoppers about you? I’d love to hear them.

@franceswhiting