Frances Whiting: Six timeless truths of Monopoly and its players

I’d like to take this opportunity to apologise to my family for my behaviour the other night, writes Frances Whiting. While I assumed the role of Monopoly’s ‘sore loser’, I realised the board game’s timeless truths.

During the school holidays, we did what we usually do at some stage of the break — force our children to spend time with us.

Specifically, we force them to play Monopoly with us, an idea they are not so keen on to begin with because it is not on a screen and does not involve some sort of sniping activity.

But here’s the thing I’ve noticed with board games, once kids stop rolling their eyes all the way to the back of their heads, they really enjoy them.

We think things have changed, and we think that kids and teenagers have changed, but I tell you what, bring out the old Monopoly board, and nothing has changed at all.

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When we played Monopoly with our children the other night, it could have been me playing with my parents, or my parents playing with their parents.

Monopoly has been around since 1935, and playing it with my family the other night, it occurred to me that once you pass “Go”, some things never change at all.

Pity the poor fool who gets stuck as the iron …

… and damn the annoying money hoarder! Pictures: Jonathan Bentley

So, here are, in no particular order, my universal, enshrined-in-time truths of Monopoly and its players.

There is always a money hoarder

You know, that person who pretends to have run out of money and then right at the end will pull out the hidden $500 note they’ve been stashing in their trousers. This person is always annoying.

There is always a lucky bastard player

This is the person who rolls their way around the board, blithely picking up Mayfair here, Park Lane there, all the railway stations and winning $10 by coming second in a beauty contest.

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They never have to pay income tax and are always advancing to Trafalgar Square and gaily collecting $200 on the way. This person is also always annoying.

There is always a sore loser

This is the person who cannot catch a break, spends most of the game trying to get out of jail, or giving other players all their money. At some stage, this person will crack under the pressure and display very unsporting behaviour.

When it comes to Monopoly through the decades, it’s only the surrounding upholstery that changes. Picture: News Corp Australia

I would like to take this opportunity to apologise to my family for my behaviour the other night. Throwing the board off the table is never OK.

There are always loser streets nobody wants to own property on

I’m talking to you, Whitechapel Road, Pall Mall and the Angel, Islington.

There are always loser pieces nobody wants to be

Everyone wants to be the race car, or the ship, the dog, or even the hat. Nobody wants to be the iron. What were the makers of Monopoly thinking throwing that piece in there? Nobody wants to iron their way around London.

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There will be an argument over the rules

And for the last time, if you have not asked me for the money I owe you for landing on
a property you own, before the next player rolls their dice, then me and my iron are gliding away, buster.

Right, I think that’s about it but if you have your own family traditions with board games, or any other universal board game truths to share, I’d love to hear them.

Just don’t try to sell me Whitechapel Road.

Frances Whiting is a U Mag on Sunday writer

@franceswhiting