Five reasons to go mad at your Chrissie party

FORGET all the “What not to do at your work Christmas party” guides, writes Kerry Parnell. Here are five compelling reasons you should go completely nuts this year:

I’M going all out at my work Christmas party this year; I’m going to wear reindeer antlers, get stuck into the prosecco and tell my boss she’s a bitch.

Note: I’m freelance and work for myself.

I’ve done the cycle of office Christmas parties — when I started out I adored them and couldn’t understand why older colleagues didn’t have the same enthusiasm. But two decades later I’d stopped going all together. And now I’m not invited anywhere.

So forget all the “What not to do at your work Christmas party” guides, here’s why you should go completely nuts this year:

1. Beer goggles transform your workmates

You’ve slogged away all year for your company, the least they can do is stand you a few glasses of cheap bubbly. Being slightly inebriated will make Kevin or Karen from Accounts seem like the most entertaining person on the planet. And a couple more glasses will make them the most attractive, which brings me to…

2. Your cubicle buddy might be the one

If you think you’ve found the love of your life at the next desk, grab that mistletoe. Who cares if your workmates are all watching and will remember forever? Or the CEO has to separate you and suggest you go home, as he did to two colleagues at one party I attended. This could be #truelove. As long as it’s not #metoo.

What’s the worst that could happen?

3. You can get to know your boss

Now you’re nicely oiled up, you’ll either want to inform your manager you love them and give them a bear hug (I once had to pull my buddy off our startled CEO, as she slurred, “You’re a lovely man” after 12 mini bottles of Moet) or let them know their shortcomings. The former is going to endear you to them — after all, who doesn’t want to be told they are lovely (again, as long as you’re not being all Weinstein about it) and the latter is going to clarify your current career position, in that you won’t have one. At a friend’s work party one drunk employee walked up to his boss and told him he was a wanker. The next day, being equable, the boss, who was not a wanker, asked for a gracious apology. Hung-over, the employee replied, “No, I called you a wanker because you are a wanker.” He left that day. Which was probably for the best.

4. You can be famous

In my partying past I once pole danced at my Christmas do, triumphantly landing in the splits, before doing the tango with a surprised colleague. He still talks to me. Life’s too short not to get your groove on. Even the new teacher I know who went crazy at her school’s Christmas party and twerked so hard she split her sparkly jumpsuit would agree. It was an effective meet and greet manoeuvre; everyone knows her name now.

5. You can make new friends

Mingling is great, putting your foot in it is even better. One acquaintance loudly gossiped about her boss snogging someone who wasn’t his wife at the previous year’s event, not realising said boss and his wife were seated behind her. It broke the ice. And their marriage. Joy to the world and all that.

Originally published as Five reasons to go mad at your Chrissie party