Dr Judith Locke: Struggling with a misbehaving tween? This could be the key

Time out is an effective method for dealing with young children. But when your child outgrows time out, psychologist Judith Locke recommends reverting to this tried and tested discipline method.

Last week I discussed “time out”, a parenting strategy for two to eight-year-old children who don’t follow instructions.

If your child is too old for time out, you need another technique – I recommend a “chore set”.

Why they are defiant

Tweens and teens are typically going through a couple of processes that make them a little more likely to misbehave.

They haven’t fully developed the sensible part of their brain, so they don’t always use behavioural braking when they need to, particularly in times of high emotion.

They’re also individuating – becoming independent from you – sometimes by disagreeing with what you say or not complying with your rules.

MORE FROM JUDITH LOCKE: What value is childhood without thrills and spills?

Add in hormones and you can see why it is completely understandable that you might have a surly or misbehaving teen alien where your sweet child used to be. But that does not mean you should accept their occasional insolence or rule breaking behaviour.

Dealing with misbehaving tweens and teens can be a challenging process.

When they are rude or don’t follow your instructions, then you need to give them a consequence, so they understand the impact of their behaviour and incentivise them not do it again. If you don’t do this then, over time, they won’t respect your rules, and you will have more difficulty in ensuring they are safe. Allowing them to treat you badly is also likely to have a cost on your relationship with them.

How to do it

A chore set is a very easily delivered strategy where they lose all privileges until they have completed a chore. This chore you set them to do is not something that would be a normal part of their chore repertoire, such as unpacking the dishwasher, but a larger activity, such as washing and vacuuming the car, or cleaning all of the windows.

The difficulty of the chore you set should reflect the magnitude of their misdemeanour.

So, a disrespectful retort might warrant ironing a basket of clothes, lying about staying at their friends’ house might warrant cleaning the entire garage.

When your child does something inappropriate, calmly say, “what you have just said was rude – so you have a chore set. All of your privileges are removed until you get two buckets of weeds from the front garden.”

Then have them hand their screens to you, until they have done the activity.

Chores … never popular with kids. Picture: iStock.

The benefit of the chore set is that if they want to go to their room and sulk, that’s fine. Eventually they will want their phone to tell their friend what a terrible life they have, and to get that phone then they need to weed the garden.

If you have given them a time-critical chore, and they haven’t done it yet, feel free to do it yourself and then give them a slightly harder replacement chore.

Finishing it

When they have done the chore, then they need to come and tell you. You inspect their labours, and if they have done it appropriately then they can have all their previous privileges restored.

Of course, integral to the chore set, is your ability to get your child’s phone or tablet off them. In this regard you should always be in charge of screens and privileges. If you aren’t, then you need to remove them all until your child does comply with instructions. If you have difficulty with your child following any of your rules, then you need further professional help.

The job has been satisfactorily completed? Great, you can have your phone back.

Parents love chore sets because they are a consequence that don’t have high emotion and are relatively quick to implement and get things back to normal. As a bonus, chore sets get annoying tasks done.

Indeed, you might want your teen to be rude to you this weekend to get those darned blinds cleaned!

MORE FROM JUDITH LOCKE: Childhood fears and how to get rid of them

How to do the emergency chore set

● So, your teen was really wayward, and you grounded them for a fortnight or took away their Wii for a month. But the consequence is dragging on – for you all.

To end it, pull an emergency chore set.

● Tell your child that they have a way of earning their privileges back by doing a very big chore. Give them something massive, that will take one or more days, such as re-staining the decks.

● If they do the chore to your satisfaction, privileges are returned to them, and peace should be restored.

● They should be appreciative of this opportunity. If not, then rescind the offer as they haven’t learnt the lesson.