Dr Judith Locke: Seven rules for how to praise your child

Over-praising your child can hinder rather than help. Finding the right balance between encouragement, feedback and constructive criticism is key, writes Dr Judith Locke. Here are seven tips on how to praise effectively.

There are many parents who regularly praise their children and that’s a good thing.

Praise has many benefits, such as encouragement to behave appropriately and help them feel good about themselves.

But this doesn’t mean that all praise is necessarily beneficial.

So, I want to spend this week’s column finetuning your techniques to make sure your praise dollars are thoughtfully spent.

1. Praise effort rather than performance

Research shows that praising effort is much better than praising their results, because this keeps them putting effort in.

If they are only aiming to be told they did something perfectly then they won’t try tricky things and only do the activities in which they will excel at immediately.

Overdoing praise may make your child completely dependent on regular reassurance. Picture: istock

2. But effort doesn’t always guarantee achievement

I notice some of my students, when told they did not do something correctly, reply by pointing out the effort they put in — as if that will make me change my evaluation of them.

Effort in the wrong direction is still incorrect, regardless of how much time you have spent. MORE FROM DR JUDITH LOCKE: How to get your kids doing their homework

So, watch that your praise for their labours doesn’t give them the wrong idea that high effort always equals high achievement.

3. Praise shouldn’t be laid on too thick

Praise can easily become pressure or build expectations if it is superlative, particularly if it’s in the form of pre-event reassurance.

“Don’t worry, you will do well on the test,” makes them feel even worse if they find it somewhat challenging.

Never be definitive on what will happen — you have no crystal ball.

4. Praise isn’t the only form of encouragement

If your child is not doing so well in their first attempt, then you don’t need to gush. Sometimes normalising struggle is more encouraging.

“Swimming takes everyone a long time to get right, you can’t expect to get it the first time.”

If they are anxious, note how this is a common reaction, rather than telling them how great they will be, “Lots of people get nervous about exams.”

5. Feedback needs to be somewhat truthful

I understand why you want to build your child up and sometimes you can bump up the truth a little, but they need to know their true abilities at some point, or they will plan a career that is not realistic according to their skills. Loving parenting is accepting them for who they are and teaching them to accept their weaknesses as well as strengths.

If children are anxious before an exam, tell them this is a common reaction. Picture: News Corp Australia

6. Praise shouldn’t be given every single time

US mindset expert and author Carol Dweck talks about the fact that you cannot praise your child into permanent good self-esteem. Indeed, overdoing praise may make them completely dependent on regular reassurance.

This makes their wellbeing reliant on others’ approval, which weakens them if it’s not given as often as they want. Your child should not expect to be always applauded and be able to cope when they don’t get told what they’d like to hear.

7. You have to offer occasional constructive criticism

Recently, I have noticed many young people don’t cope when told things they need to improve. Some become extremely emotional and focus far more on their feelings than listening to the suggestions offered, which means they don’t hear what they need to do to progress.

MORE FROM DR JUDITH LOCKE: How to tell if you have a spoiled brat

Your child needs to learn to embrace occasional negative feedback as an opportunity to do better. Do compliment your child, but make sure the currency of praise retains its high value in your home. It will be a savvy investment that brings the best returns.

Final thoughts:

● Use descriptive and enthusiastic praise when they are young and sometimes make it fun, “Woohoo, you cleaned your room — let’s do a clean room dance.”

● Over time, stop judging their performance and let them start evaluating their own. If your child asks you what you thought of their performance, ask them what they thought first.

● Start to introduce some constructive criticism to get them used to it.

● If your child doesn’t cope with criticism, then it doesn’t always mean they have low

self-esteem. It might mean their wellbeing is flimsily built on regular praise. In this

instance, praising them more will not help. The solution lies in them learning to

become comfortable with all feedback — not just the nice stuff.

Dr Locke did her PhD at Queensland University of Technology on the changes in parenting and is now a visiting Fellow at QUT doing ongoing research on modern parenting, child and parent wellbeing and school environments.

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