Domestic Violence crisis: We’re supremely failing both genders

Something is going drastically wrong in the way society is raising men. As a result women are being brutally murdered, writes Kylie Lang. We must effectively address the root causes of domestic violence.

Some men think it’s fine to rape a woman if she initiates sex but then changes her mind.

Say what? Females aren’t “asking for it” nor do they “deserve” it, yet these skewed ideas around consent are among the many disturbing findings from a new report on Australians aged 16-24 — our country’s future leaders, and parents.

Here are two more: many men don’t understand that stalking or repeatedly keeping track of a partner’s location are forms of violence.

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News flash, guys, they are, and you have a lot to learn about respect and how to behave appropriately in relationships.

Clearly, something is going drastically wrong in the way society — and it IS a societal issue, taking in families, schools and workplaces — is raising its men. Many of the attitudes voiced in the National Community Attitudes Towards Violence Against Women Survey (NCAS) would suggest that we are supremely failing both genders.

A man being arrested this month after a 50-year-old woman was stabbed in the chest during a domestic violence situation in East Ryde. Picture: Bill Hearne

How can it be that males in their final years of school or as newly-minted adults have such a poor understanding of the power imbalance that is feeding an insidious rape and domestic violence culture?

What have educational programs and costly advertising campaigns achieved when the underlying sentiment remains that men are uniquely entitled to dominate women?

The findings of this 1800-strong survey trouble me not only as a woman but also as the mother of a 19-year-old son.

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It is simply not good enough that, in the four years since the last report, we still have young men who think it’s natural for them to be seen to be in control of their partner in front of their mates. And for young women to allow this to happen, signalling tacit approval.

Many schools have pastoral programs promoting respect — and many of them look very good on paper — yet in the rough and tumble of real life, they are making too little difference.

Consider other new figures that show almost 500 strangulation charges have been heard by Queensland courts in the first two years of the new offence.

I don’t know whether to cry or rejoice.

It’s distressing that hundreds of men — and 98 per cent of the offenders are men, mostly in their 20s, according to the Queensland Sentencing Advisory Council (QSAC) — are abusing women in this manner, yet encouraging that authorities are taking action.

Non-lethal strangulation, as is well-known in the sphere of domestic violence prevention, is a red flag for homicide.

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As QSAC chair and former judge John Robertson says: “When a person can look into their partner’s eyes and hurt them in this way, all the evidence shows a line has been crossed. Violence of this kind is a known predictor of escalating violence and increased risk to the offender’s domestic partner.”

An army of case studies — let’s call them preventable tragedies — confirms this.

Teresa Bradford was murdered by her estranged husband at their Gold Coast home, shortly after he was paroled after being jailed eight weeks earlier for serious domestic violence offences, including strangulation.

Mother-of-four Teresa Bradford was sleeping in her Gold Coast home when her estranged husband — who was released from custody on bail — broke in and killed her. Picture: Supplied

Shelsea Schilling was strangled by her former partner Bronson Ellery before he bashed her head against the tiles of a Gold Coast unit then suffocated her with a pillow.

Both killers then took their own lives.

Most experts agree that there is no one particular profile of men who abuse women because domestic violence traverses socio-economic boundaries.

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Dr Susan Hanks, director of the Family and Violence Institute in the US, says men attack women because of their own psychological struggles and a desire to control others.

Some men were raised in homes where they saw their mothers battered — and were battered themselves — and some become violent when drinking or drugging, although substances do not cause the violence.

Shelsea Schilling was beaten to death by her boyfriend Bronson Ellery in November, 2016. Picture: supplied

A Brisbane woman I know was able to recognise the signs that her life, and that of her son’s, were in danger and flee.

Her now ex-partner put tracking devices in her car, isolated her from friends and family, drugged her food and drinks, and increasingly threatened physical violence.

His manipulative behaviour, which included convincing her that the abusiveness in their relationship was her fault, was only brought to light when she telephoned the DV Connect helpline after being encouraged to do so by her work mates.

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Stamping out domestic violence is a community problem. And it has to begin with how we raise our children.

Are we monitoring what they are watching online?

Are we modelling respectful behaviour?

Are we dealing with problems of anger management, bullying and lack of self-control when they arise?

It is one thing to have surveys highlighting disturbing patterns of abuse and gender inequality, but entirely another to effectively address the root causes.

Kylie Lang is a Courier-Mail associate editor. @kylie_lang

DV Connect helpline 1800 811 811