Do you embrace Australian values? Take the test

Australia's Opposition party has proposed tougher migrant screening to ensure newcomers embrace Australian "values", prompting debate about cultural identity testing. TAKE THE TEST

Can you pass the test?

Righteo, Australia’s Opposition party wants to put more muscle into migrant screening to make deadset certain that people coming into our country adhere to our “values”.

Former PM John Howard once joked that migrants, just to see how ridgy-didge they were, should be asked to name Don Bradman’s batting average. It’s often reported that Mr Howard (pictured), a cricket fan, was serious and that it was something migrants should know. But, no, Mr Howard, not usually someone who is known for being a comedian, was just having a joke.

Anyway, let’s face it, most blokes down at the pub on a Friday arvo would give all sorts of BS answers to that question about the celestial cricketer who, it is often said, thought himself far superior to his more earthbound teammates.

Some poor sod making his way here from the backblocks of China would probably just quote Confucius and say something like (according to AI): “Bradman very good with bat, but man who scores hundreds of runs but shuns his teammates is like three hat chef who refuses to cook meal for starving friends.”

Mr Howard was just having fun, but hang on, things are changing, so listen up all you folks lining up to come out here to the wonderful land of Oz to get chomped by sharks – Bradman’s average was 99.94, the highest in the history of test cricket. Sock it away just in case you are asked.

Seeing as what’s left of our values and proud traditions are once again in the spotlight, I’d like to make a few suggestions. This new set of revised values will help us determine if people wanting to settle in this country are the sorts of blokes and sheilas we’d like to get on the turps with when cooking rissoles on the barbie and watching re-runs of Hey Hey It’s Saturday on the telly down by the billabong.

OK, let’s start the quiz to see if youse foreigners who wanna live here in ’Straya have them real good values we Aussies reckon make blokes and sheilas, fair dinkum. Now remember, if you get one wrong, your application is rejected. And, no cheating and no ringing Friends at Home.

1. You are loyal to Australia if you put (A) Vegemite or (B) Marmite on your toast. A is correct. Vegemite is Australian. B (Marmite) is from the UK. If you picked B your only option is to move to England. Sorry about that, cruel I know, but hey, you could always stay where you are.

2. If you go swimming in a creek or river near Townsville, you will be eaten by (A) a crocodile or (B) an alligator? If you said B, you are rejected. Alligators are as American as a nickel-plated .357 magnum. And good luck with Trumpy giving you a visa to Florida, the home of alligators.

3. Is a thong (A) a form of underwear or is it (B) a form of footwear made from rubber? If you said footwear and answered Q 1&2 successfully, you have moved up the queue. If you don’t have a pair of thongs in your backpack when you get here, you will be immediately deported. All Australians at all times must be in possession of a pair of thongs. It’s law.

4. Pick the Aussie: (A) Dim Sim (cat coffins), (B) Chico Roll, (C) Dumplings. If you picked B you are correct. The Chico Roll is a homegrown Australian delicacy. The other two can get you two days in emergency.

5. Was the Iced VoVo first made in (A) Australia, (B) Boston, USA, (C) London, England? Australia is correct. If you are Australian and don’t like Iced VoVos, piss off.

6. Is a mud map (A) a cake, (B) a chocolate biscuit, (C) a map drawn in the dirt. C is correct. When a bloke (or a sheila) says “I’ll draw’ya a mud map”, be afraid, very afraid, because you are going to get lost in the desert and probably die.

7. Consider the terms (A) “pissed as a parrot” and (B) “he’s maggot”. Do they refer to someone who has an interest in birds and/or insect larvae, or does it refer to someone who has consumed an excess of alcohol? If you answered someone who has consumed too much alcohol, you are correct. If you are A or B, it means you are so out of it you can’t scratch yourself, which means you’d probably make a pretty damn good Aussie, anyway.

8. Name the Cowboys player who kicked the field goal 20m out that won the Townsville-based team the 2015 NRL grand final: (A) Wally Lewis, (B) Chad Morgan, (C) Johnathan Thurston, (D) Matt Scott. If you answered A, B or D you are anti-Cowboys and therefore a threat to the security of the nation. Rejected. Even the drover’s dog knows it was JT. You don’t know who the drover’s dog is? Please, just go away, go away, now.

9. Is VB a shortened name for a type of (A) dingo bait, (B) a poison designed to kill rats and funnel-web spiders, or (C) a type of foul-tasting beer? If you answered C, you are correct, but some immigration officials and even the Home Affairs Minister might decree VB can be used as dingo or rat and spider poison and therefore mark you as technically correct. You get a conceded pass.

10. While driving, should I flash my headlights at oncoming traffic to warn of police radar up ahead? (A) Yes, you should because it’s the Aussie thing to do and hearkens back to our Anzac tradition and bonds of mateship. (B) No, you shouldn’t, because it is against the law to warn other motorists about police speed traps, and here in ’Straya we are all very law-abiding. (C) No, you shouldn’t, because targeting innocent civilians going about their daily business is the only way our wonderful police can raise revenue for their annual Christmas booze cruise. If you answered A, you are gold. If you answered B or C, you are probably a sucker or a snitch, so stay where you are.

If you answered all 10 questions correctly, you are in, but for the losers who got one or more wrong … study up and better luck next time. By the way, if you are one of the lucky ones who just got the green light, remember, when you get here, it’s time to get maggot.

And, it’s your shout – one thing we can’t stand is blokes and sheilas with death adders in their pockets.

Shane Poole has come second at the Conexpo Machinery Convention in Las Vegas.

Highest roller is heading to Vegas

You want to bet that master machinery operator Shane Poole can’t pick up a marble from the dirt with the bucket of his 30-tonne excavator and delicately drop it in a teacup without cracking either the marble or the cup?

I’m betting the man they call ‘Pooley’ can do it and that he wouldn’t even break a sweat.

Word is he’s an artist when it comes to moving dirt with heavy machinery. So skilled is he at what he does that he is three months away from representing Australia at the global Conexpo Las Vegas Machinery Convention in early March.

Pooley won the first session of the Hastings Deering Cat Global Operator Challenge held in Townsville in July. And now the 55-year-old is only just back from Japan, where, representing Hasting Deering Australia, he took out second place at the Cat Global Operator Challenge. He was up against Australians, New Zealanders and gun operators from all around the Asia-Pacific region. So, now, this ‘JT’ of machinery operators, is off to Vegas.

Operators who live and breathe the surgical intricacies of their profession will love what the Japan competition involved. Firstly, competitors had their speed and accuracy tested while using a Cat 320 excavator to dig a trench to a specific length and depth using 3D Grade technology. And then it was time for basketball, but not in the traditional sense. The competitors had to use their excavator bucket to drop soccer balls into a stacked column of tyres.

There was a Load and Go Challenge testing dexterity and flexibility as participants navigated a winding course with a Cat 938 loader. They had to traverse tricky terrain with the loader’s bucket filled with rock, drop it in a truck, then reverse back and fill the bucket until 8000kg was in the bin. And then once again, using the bucket, they had to knock basketballs off traffic cones with the loader bucket. Think it sounds easy? It’s not. It’s a bit like hitting the bullseye on a dartboard every time you throw a dart.

The final challenge was using a Cat D4 dozer to navigate a winding course, utilising all of the controls and technical features without coming into contact with any obstacles. It was tricky. They then had to move a ball through a technical course and push a pipe along a rope using the dozer’s blade. It was like trying to thread a rope through the eye of a needle.

The winner was Norio Miyajima from Japan. Shane took out second place overall, and now he’s off, along with Norio and another Aussie, Tim Lamb from NSW, to take on six other ‘guns’ from the northern hemisphere.

Pooley has been driving machinery since he was knee-high to a Tonka toy. He sees the competitions as a means of honing his skills and keeping pace with the technology that has become such a major component of earth-moving machinery in the 21st century.

“It’s not always about who is the fastest. It’s also about timing and using the available technology. A lot of the technology is unbelievable. The industry is changing so much with technology…if you can learn it, it makes everything so much easier,” he said.

He holds training days at his Gumlow property, which help promote the industry and attract newcomers wanting to work in the field.

“We need more people in the industry. There is so much work around for everyone. We have a great crew of multi-skilled blokes working for great clients and us. I’m proud to say we are working for them,” he said.

Pooley, when you go into battle in Vegas, remember those famous, motivational earthmoving quotes: “Never underestimate an old man with an excavator” and “the shortest distance between two points is under construction”.

North Queensland wishes you the best of luck in Las Vegas.

Joke of the week

I went to see my psychiatrist today. She told me I had a split personality and charged me $160.

I gave her $80 and told her to get the rest from the other idiot.

Originally published as Do you embrace Australian values? Take the test