Sorry, but pineapples shouldn't be on burgers

I'd sooner stick 10 bucks in an envelope and send it to the poor buggers up north than ruin a perfectly good hamburger with a slice of pineapple.

A good hamburger doesn't need a slice of pineapple on it, argues Damian Bathersby. Picture: DAVE CHIDLEY

PINEAPPLES are a fruit and do not belong on hamburgers.

While I know that will upset a lot of people, I think it's the pineapple in the corner that everyone's been ignoring.

I'm sorry that pineapple growers in North Queensland are doing it tough, I really am.

But it's not enough to make me demand a pineapple ring on my hamburger, like someone suggested the other day.

I'd sooner stick 10 bucks in an envelope and send it off to the poor buggers up north than ruin a perfectly good hamburger with a slice of fruit.

Or beetroot.

I hate beetroot on a burger too.

In fact, I hate beetroot anywhere, any time.

Sorry beetroot growers.

But this column isn't about you.

This is about the pineapple growers who feel some sort of entitlement to having their produce forced on the god-fearing hamburger-eating people of the world.

And I for one am not going to take it lying down (unless I'm wearing a bib to catch the sweet, sweet hamburger juices running off my chin).

Just for the record, a good hamburger needs only a few select ingredients - a real meat pattie (or two), tomato, lettuce, cheese (melted of course), fried onion and some barbecue sauce on a lightly-toasted bun.

A fried egg is allowed in your more fancy establishments, but certainly not essential.

And that's it.

The moment you start adding pineapple and stuff like that you're messing with the natural order of the universe - the dark side, if you like.

You may as well pull out a ouija board and start chanting "Satan, give me the rough end of the pineapple".

All right, I admit we went off at a weird tangent for a minute but I think you get my drift.

You can put your pineapple in a fruit salad.

You cover it with ice-cream.

You can even cut it in half and use it as a natural bowl for a parfait.

But under absolutely no circumstances should it be added to a hamburger.

Or pizzas - I almost forgot about pizzas.

Please don't put pineapple on your pizza - it's just not right.

You may as well turn your back on everything the Romans gave us.

Like sanitation, medicine, education, wine, public order, irrigation, roads, a fresh water system and public health.

But there was definitely never any pineapple on their pizzas.

Or their hamburgers.

I rest my case.