William McInnes rediscovers his love of Minties and why they are a dentist’s best friend

Some things work out for the best, for the young woman who reconstructed my tooth has a special place in the pantheon of fang mechanics.

Why Minties are a dentist’s best friend.

Who knew dentists could be so reassuring?

It started with the bowl of little treats in my hotel room. I don’t usually go for lollies or sweet things but there was something so gloriously retro about a Mintie, I couldn’t resist.

I recalled the Minties sample bags from the Ekka, and wondered how long ago was it showbags evolved downstream from the idea of sample bags, where you were given a few tasters for gratis.

And I couldn’t help but reflect on some of the legendary lollies of my youth: Cobbers, Black Cat gum, Big Charlie chewy sticks, Lifesavers, Marella Jubes, White Knight bars, frogs, mint leaves, the ever-faithful snakes, Fags, Big Boss cigars and the Choo Choo Bar. I even felt a pang for the overrated Peppermint Crisp.

William McInnes lost a filling but found his faith in human beings after sucking on a Mintie.

Some of the names have fallen through the cracks of time. Fags became Fads and lost their appearance of being lolly cigarettes, and the wrapping paper of the Choo Choo bar wouldn’t get a look-in today; and that is fine, things evolve.

I contemplated the Mintie, unwrapped it, felt the waxy paper in my fingers and found that, reassuringly, Minties still tasted like Minties. Good some things stay the same. I remembered the advertising tagline, “It’s moments like these you need Minties!”

This was always accompanied by some humorous accident about to happen, or had just happened, to some unsuspecting soul. I even hummed the tune to myself as I thought why I didn’t have Minties more often, and after a few more delightful moments I realised I had tempted fate and found out why I don’t usually pop such lollies into my mouth.

“It’s moments like these you need Minties … and a dentist.”

The lolly had coagulated in a delightful clag around my back teeth and as I sucked on it, a good-sized chunk of tooth and some filling departed from where they shouldn’t.

Interstate and away from my own dentist, I had to be in a studio in a little over an hour to bang on about something or other and thought I had to get to a fang mechanic. I searched my phone and amazingly found a dentist nearby who’d had a cancellation.

Some things work out for the best, for the young woman who basically reconstructed my tooth has a special place in the pantheon of fang mechanics.

She was ace. I explained what had happened and she smiled and said, “You’ve got to love Minties! The dentist’s best friend! They are so yummy, though!”

And when she started doing what she had to do and as I leant back in the chair she asked me if there was anything on Netflix or any music videos I’d like to watch.

Illustration by Brett Lethbridge

On the ceiling was a television screen for patients to help take their mind off the treatment.

A doctor of mine had employed something similar with the ceiling above his consultation bench where you lay prone, covering it with a poster of the Milky Way.

“Just relax and look at Eternity,” he said. It always had a disconcertingly existentialist effect on me, making me feel very insignificant as he poked and prodded.

“Maybe you could watch some Minties ads?” suggested the wonder fang mechanic.

I laughed and settled for Dean Martin videos. Dear old Deano warbled away and, as the dentist paused for a moment, I gargled: “Does Dean have false teeth?”

The dentist looked up. “He has a lovely voice, his teeth are very even, could be caps. Check his bottom set.”

Dean finished off a song with a beaming smile. “Some work done, I’d say, but most are his own. He seems a nice man.”

She told me people’s teeth are a snapshot of who they are and where they’ve been. “You can learn a lot from teeth.”

“Really?”

“Yes, I’ve learned you’ll have to have Minties in moderation and I’ll have to listen to Mr Martin a bit more. All done.”

She fixed my tooth, made me smile, enjoyed Deano with me and got me to the studio with my teeth all working.

It’s moments like these when you don’t just need Minties, but a belief in nice, competent human beings.

William McInnes is an actor and author