Mel Buttle reveals her clandestine battle with the resident bin fiddler

There’s a bin fiddler in my neighbourhood. The suspect is a late-50s, Caucasian male, thought to be residing in the row of townhouses next door. He’s not doing anything wrong or illegal, he just seems to have a fascination with touching other people’s bins.

There’s a bin fiddler in my neighbourhood. The suspect is a late-50s, Caucasian male, thought to be residing in the row of townhouses next door.

He’s not doing anything wrong or illegal, he just seems to have a fascination with touching other people’s bins.

Something must kick in around that age where you have both the time and the inclination to place bins in a neater, more colour-coordinated line-up on the kerb.

I’ve explained this to my friends and they’ve come back with some very unsupportive logic, such as, “why do you care if someone touches your bin?”

I don’t really know why either, but it bugs me. I read the situation as a slight on me, that I can’t even put a bin out properly.

Brisbane comedian Mel Buttle is performing at the Brisbane Comedy Festival this month.

I know my mental health isn’t at Olympic level, because in order to cope with this my ego has decided to engage in some competitive bin management with my baby boomer neighbour.

We each have advantages and disadvantages in this head-to-head match-up. My strengths include a commitment to pettiness, and I have most days free and excellent hearing to listen out for bin tampering.

My neighbour’s strengths include stealth, as I often don’t notice my bin has been put in a neat line with the other bins until after they’ve been emptied.

His other main strength is his unwavering commitment to bin life. I’m into our unspoken battle now, but I’m willing to give up pending a good episode of Dr Phil.

If it’s recycle bin week, things kick up a notch. My bin-loving pal needs to have a straight line of only recycle bins, then only general waste bins, perhaps on purpose to see a response. I like to add my bins to this military-style bin line-up, but in the “wrong” order.

I’ll pop my waste bin next to the recycling bins and my recycling bin I’ll slip in next to the waste bins. Then I retreat to my front room and allow my wind-up to play out.

My other current joy in life is to beat my neighbour in getting my bins out.

Our bin night is Wednesday, but I like to have mine in prime position on the kerb by Tuesday night.

A current point of contention is where the bins are best placed. A few weeks ago I placed mine on the road up against the gutter.

When I got home from shopping, my bin had been relocated onto the footpath by a mysterious bin angel.

I think if I’ve learned anything from this waste-based battle, it’s that I, like my late-50s neighbour, might need to look into a hobby.

Mel Buttle is a Brisbane comedian