Mel Buttle is going on a road trip and taking her high-anxiety dog Ruby along

My dog Ruby is such a millennial she has anxiety, allergies, and she hates talking on the phone to me – that’s the modern-day trifecta.

Mel Buttle's dog, Ruby, in her striped winter skivvy.

My dog has anxiety; what a 2019 problem to have.

She’s so anxious it’s got to the point where we had to see our vet this week to look into options for treatment.

My anxiety-beating strategies of firm ear massages and leaving The Golden Girls on telly when I duck out aren’t quite cutting it any more.

Ruby is such a millennial she has anxiety, allergies, and she hates talking on the phone to me – that’s the modern-day trifecta.

Her main issue is storms, so summer in Brisbane is a nightmare for us. If a curtain flaps, or a window slams shut, she’s gone – she mentally leaves her body and shakes for hours.

She cannot be reasoned with, and no amount of lamb bones can bring her back from the brink.

Mel Buttle with her dog Ruby are going on a road trip.

She’s now got her special storm pills, which means I need to keep an eye on the weather – the pills need some time to work, so you’ve got to get them into her before a storm breaks. The Bureau of Meteorology has become my go-to app.

Yes, I’m slowly sliding into my late 30s as if they’re my late 50s.

The other issue that sets her off is being in the car, which isn’t normally much of an issue but I’m driving to Melbourne soon and I’m taking the pooch.

I’ll be down there to do the Melbourne Comedy Festival for a month, so I figured she may as well tag along, for my mental health, and I want her to meet some of my friends’ dogs down there too.

Ruby’s new ‘relaxing pills’ make her very cuddly.

Yes, I can hear myself, I know she’s just a mutt, but I think her and my friend Greg’s dog, called Bird, would really hit it off. Dog wedding on the cards? I’ll keep you posted.

Ruby used to be fine in the car, until I had a nose-to-tail on the Riverside Expressway while she was in the back, and she hasn’t been the same since.

So I’m not super-thrilled to be spending 19 hours in the car with her. Thank God for those magic relaxing pills I got from the vet.

They’re very good; they don’t put her to sleep, they just make her very cuddly and forget her innate fear of the vacuum cleaner.

Come to think of it, maybe she’s not anxious at all, as all the things she’s worried about contribute to, or are part of, climate change.

Oh gosh, Ruby, you’re a greenie! Well, apart from the heinous murder of that lizard in the back yard last week.

Mel Buttle is a Brisbane comedian