When you know your baby won't be born alive

Couple helps grieving parents spend more time with their stillborn children

A PARENT'S GRIEF: Harlow Imogen Shelley was stillborn at 2.04am on November 5, 2016. Picture: Contributed

TARYN Fisher was almost 20 weeks pregnant when she was told her baby would be born sleeping.

For seven days, she went about everyday duties of being a mother to her three sons, shopping and cleaning all while grieving - although she still looked pregnant, Ms Fisher was carrying a daughter who no longer had a heartbeat.

Ms Fisher and her partner Lathanial Shelley are opening up about their loss to raise funds to help other couples affected by stillbirth.

The family recently moved to the Sarina area for a change of scene and to be closer to work. The money they help raise will go towards a Cuddle Cot for the Mackay Base Hospital.

Bears of Hope Pregnancy and Infant Loss Support described the Cuddle Cot as a cooling system that has been designed to fit within a small cot. This system allows for babies who have passed away to remain with their families so that they are not required to be cooled in a mortuary environment.

Cuddle Cots enable family members to travel to visit and meet the baby, siblings to meet one another and even gives parents the option of taking their baby home to lay in their own cot, in their own room or travel in their own car seat.

Harlow Imogen Shelley was born at 2.04am on November 5, 2016 in the Redcliffe Hospital.

"We spent four days with Harlow, it was the most heartfelt four days of our lives,” Ms Fisher said.

"We had a very supportive care team at the hospital, they ensured we were comfortable at all times.”

Ms Fisher said to use a Cuddle Cot was a personal decision.

"We chose to stay at the hospital with her in the Cuddle Cot, it was the right thing for us to do as we've got other small children at home that wouldn't understand what was happening,” Ms Fisher said.

"What's right for us, isn't always right for another family. We were blessed to have her with us for that time. We love Harlow so much.”

She admits to being unsure about using the Cuddle Cot at first.

"That wasn't until our midwife asked us if we would like to have our little girl with us longer. Hearing that offer was by far the most amazing thing for us at such a hard time,” she said.

"Emotionally, having Harlow with us was something we needed. We held her close, we talked to her and we felt at peace knowing we could be with her. It is an experience we'll cherish forever.”

The emotional journey started after a scan.

"I remember going to have a 3D gender reveal scan; my partner worked away at the time and I wanted to do something to surprise him with a private gender reveal when he got home,” Ms Fisher said.

"I laid there for a very long time, I turned from side to side, drank cold drinks, took a walk and returned to laying down again.

"The ladies doing the scan held my hand and explained that they were going to help me get to the hospital, their faces were blank and it was then that I knew something was wrong.”

More scans followed but the news was the worst Ms Fisher could receive.

"Upon learning of our daughter's passing I felt numb. I could hear the doctors talking to me, however, I wasn't understanding,” she said.

"To be told I had experienced a "missed miscarriage”, that was something I struggled to interpret at the time.”

Ms Fisher explained a missed miscarriage was a miscarriage without any signs - no bleeding or pain.

"We never had a miscarriage, we never had any signs. That was the most painful thing to take in,” she said.

The news was broken to the couple on October 28.

"I was unable to be admitted to the hospital to have her until November 4 - those days in between were raw,” Ms Fisher said.

And her partner was away working as a FIFO worker in Moranbah with limited flights and car hire.

"Support wise, we had our friends and family, without them, things would've been harder than it already is,” Ms Fisher said.

"Our social worker at the hospital helped us through and ensured we had everything we needed - she is a lovely woman.”

Like many women, Ms Fisher hadn't considered stillbirth as a possibility.

"Until we learned of our little girl passing away, we had never really thought of pregnancy and infant loss,” she said.

"I guess it's not something you think of, although it's not ignored.”

But although she hadn't thought it would happen to her, Ms Fisher had known others who'd experienced a loss.

"We've had friends that have lost a baby, it touched us dearly,” she said.

"But it wasn't until we lost our baby that we realised emotional pain is more excruciating than physical pain - it's something that doesn't ease up over time.

"There are days when you can smile and laugh, they're the surface emotions people see. However, inside you're crying and wondering if how you're feeling is normal.”

Ms Fisher said grieving is different for everyone.

"Unfortunately it doesn't come with instructions,” she said.

Part of her grieving process was to move towns, the family relocated to be close to Mr Shelley's work so he could be drive-in, drive-out and be closer to the children.

Ms Fisher said she didn't want to live down south any more because there were too many reminders of her daughter.

Her advice to anyone who experiences stillbirth or pregnancy loss is to take things slowly.

"Take a deep breath and please, reach out to someone if you feel you need to talk,” she said.

"There are so many support groups out there, we found talking openly about our daughter has helped us, but it doesn't take away the empty feeling I have each day.”

Ms Fisher and Mr Shelley have three other sons who have been a light during the hard time.

"Aiden is 5, Seth is 3 and Lincoln is 1,” Ms Fisher said.

"They are truly amazing little ones, honestly they're what has helped us through this time.”

The boys are aware of their little sister and that she didn't come home.

"We display a gorgeous photograph of Harlow's foot in our home, the older two boys say 'Harlow is in heaven',” Ms Fisher said.

"The first time Aiden said that it melted our hearts, it also sent those emotions raging. Between holding back tears and smiling, it's a proud moment when your other children can voice their thoughts.”

Still grieving for their loss, the family wants to help other families find some peace by helping to provide another Cuddle Cot to the Mackay Base Hospital.

"We are raising funds for a Cuddle Cot because our experience using one was very personal,” Ms Fisher said.

"We believe that every family that has to go through the loss of their little one should have the opportunity to use one if they choose.”

Ms Fisher's goal is get the community involved by donating directly to Bears of Hope for Pregnancy and Infant Loss.

The money will be collected until there is enough for a cot.

Ms Fisher felt by allowing the foundation to collect the money directly it would be easier and trustworthy.

"To help us reach our goal, donations can be made by using this link cuddlecots.gofundraise.com.au/page/TarynFisher,” Ms Fisher said.

Suggestions for parents who experience stillbirth

Name your baby

Hold your baby in your arms for cuddles and kisses for as long as you like

See your baby whenever you wish, so don't be afraid to ask the nurses to keep bringing your baby to you

You can keep your baby in the room with you for as long as you like

Wrap your baby in a special blanket

Take plenty of photos (with mum, dad, sisters, brothers, grandparents etc)

Take close-up shots (of feet, hands, face)

Take photos of your baby with a teddy or other special keepsakes given

You might like to organise a professional photographer e.g Heartfelt- a free service across Australia

Bath and dress your baby and take photos and/or video footage during this time

Have sets of foot and hand prints done

Wrap your baby or dress your baby in gifts that were given, and take a photo

Go for a walk outside with your baby

Take your baby home

Have video footage taken

Have your baby blessed

Read or sing to your baby

Ask for special mementoes of your baby to keep. eg. tape measure used, lock of hair, cot name tag, baby's hospital band; don't be afraid to ask.

Write in a memorial book the hospital may have.

Keep a special diary of your time in hospital - your thoughts, feelings, poetry, and even factual information.

Ask for any ultrasound pictures that were taken

Ask for medical records to keep

- source Bears of Hope Pregnancy and Infant Loss

Originally published as When you know your baby won't be born alive