Dear Melissa: Ask your burning relationship questions

After 40 years of marriage, I’m tired of being treated like the household helper. What do I do?

A wife is in a pickle over her husband’s attitude. Picture: iStock

After 40 years of marriage, a wife is worn out from feeling like the household helper.

Relationship expert Melissa Ferrari shares advice on how to handle the discussion in a delicate way.

It’s important to talk through concerns with your partner. Picture: iStock

Scroll down to send in your questions >>>

AM I HIS MAID OR HIS WIFE?

Dear Melissa

I have been married for 40 years. I’m so frustrated because I feel as if I’m taken totally for granted. For example, I went to book ferry tickets for my husband and myself. Rather than wait for me, he just wandered off. He expects me to look for him and I have had enough of being made to feel as if I’m his maid. Should I buy him a dog collar and leash and tie him to a pole? Thank you, I have had enough.

Melissa’s response

Forty years with the same person — that’s no small feat. It means history, loyalty, shared lives. It can also mean layers of unspoken frustration that slowly stack up until even small things, like wandering off during a ferry booking, feel like the last straw.

The fact that you’ve stayed together for so long suggests that over the decades, you’ve both found ways to work around these irritations — burying them, brushing them aside, letting the moment pass. But frustrations don’t just vanish. When ignored, they tend to grow — and eventually, they start to surface in ways that feel sharp, sudden, and hard to ignore.

That one moment at the ferry terminal probably felt like confirmation of something bigger: that you’re being taken for granted. That you do not feel like an equal partner in the relationship. That your time and effort don’t seem to matter.

And this happens to so many long-term couples. Not because one person is awful, but because emotional distance has crept in over the years. These small, repeated behaviours — the wandering off, the forgetting, the unspoken expectations — start to chip away at the sense of teamwork and mutual care that strong relationships are built on.

If you don’t talk about these things, they don’t just disappear. The danger is that resentment quietly gives way to something even more damaging: contempt. That’s the ‘sigh’ when they speak, the ‘eye roll’ when they forget, the want to release a sarcastic ‘jab’ under your breath. Contempt is one of the strongest predictors of relationship breakdown, because it signals, we no longer see our partner as worthy of respect.

Only you can know where you are on that spectrum. But the tone of your question suggests that frustration is running high — and that you might be edging closer to those feelings of contempt.

This is why now is the time to have an honest conversation. Not about the ferry. But about how you’re feeling in the relationship. Not with blame, and not in anger — but with clarity and care. Share how these small moments make you feel. And just as importantly, give your husband the space to share how he’s been feeling too.

Given the depth of emotion and history between you, I’d strongly recommend doing this with the support of a couple’s counsellor. A good therapist doesn’t take sides — they help couples talk to each other differently, especially when the conversations are too layered or loaded to have alone. And after 40 years, it’s completely normal that there are things you’ve both held back, avoided, or stopped bringing up.

But this process isn’t just about sorting through what’s gone wrong. It’s about remembering what brought you together in the first place — and rebuilding from there.

Because successful relationships don’t run on autopilot. They need regular tending — little rituals, shared laughter, kind gestures, the occasional surprise — to keep that connection alive. They also need respect, curiosity, and a safe space to be honest about what’s working and what’s not.

Even after 40 years — especially after 40 years — it’s okay to need a reset. What matters most is that you’re willing to try.

It’s important to remember grief doesn’t come with an expiry date.

I FEEL SO GUILTY

Dear Melissa

My wife passed away 13 years ago. Her sister lives near me and is involved in my children’s lives. I encourage the kids, but I have no connection with her. However, I go to gatherings but cannot wait to leave. Then I feel guilty. How do I stop feeling this way? P.S. I have not got another partner or friend.

Melissa’s response

First, let me say this: your honesty is deeply moving — and the quiet weight you’ve carried for 13 years speaks to how deeply you loved your wife, and how fiercely you’ve stayed committed to your children in her absence.

Grief doesn’t come with an expiry date — and neither does loneliness. You have done something extraordinary: raising children after losing your partner, staying present, and making space for their late mother’s family — even when it’s clearly uncomfortable for you. That’s a quiet kind of courage.

Your guilt, I suspect, doesn’t come from doing anything wrong — it comes from the gap between what you think you should feel and what you actually feel. You go to these gatherings, you show up, and yet you feel like an outsider. Disconnected — there in body, but not in spirit. And because being there is hard, it’s easier to leave — but then guilt creeps in, as if your discomfort somehow dishonours your wife.

But here’s the truth: it doesn’t. You’re allowed to feel what you feel.

And yet — here’s the part I think you already know — your children’s connection to their mum’s side of the family matters deeply. It’s a living link to the woman they lost. It helps them carry her forward. Your willingness to support that bond is an act of love — even when it’s awkward or painful for you.

Instead of forcing a connection that isn’t there, consider redefining what “showing up” looks like — in a way that honours your boundaries while still supporting your children. Could that mean shorter visits? Letting your kids attend family gatherings without you? Or gently letting your sister-in-law know that while you’re grateful for her role in their lives, these events are emotionally tough?

And finally — and I say this with care — you mentioned you haven’t got another partner or friend. That last line carries a lot of quiet weight. It’s been 13 years. You’ve poured yourself into parenting and doing the right thing. But you deserve connection too. Not just for your children’s sake — for your sake.

Whether it’s reconnecting with an old mate, joining a local group, or speaking to a counsellor — please consider letting someone into your world. You’ve carried so much on your own. Maybe it’s time to let someone carry a little of it with you.

You’re doing more right than you realise. And you’re not failing by feeling what you feel — you’re simply human: grieving, loving, and trying your best.

Melissa Ferrari. Picture: Kirsten Flavell

Melissa is one of Australia’s most sought-after relationship therapists with over 25 years’ experience in couples counselling and individual psychotherapy. Specialising in the Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy (PACT), Melissa provides intensive sessions with practical, personalised feedback, through which she helps individuals and couples to make savvy relationship choices.