Dear Melissa: Ask your burning relationship questions

My kids are picky with dinner but my husband complains the most and never steps foot in the kitchen. I’m not a mind reader so what exactly does he want?

Melissa Ferrari has helped countless couples overcome difficult challenges in their relationship.

Dinner has become a nightmare and her husband is pickier than her kids. He never steps foot in the kitchen but always has something to say.

She’s left wondering what he actually wants because she feels like it’s a losing battle.

Relationship expert Melissa Ferrari shares advice on how to handle the big kid in the family in a delicate way.

It’s important to talk through concerns with your partner. Picture: iStock

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WILL HE EVER GROW UP?

Dear Melissa

I’m a mum of four, and I cook dinner for our kids as well as my husband. No matter what I cook, someone is upset. Two of my kids are quite picky, but thankfully the other two are easy. Unfortunately, my husband is another story. He complains about everything I cook. Of course, he never offers to cook anything but says my food is lacking something. How am I meant to know what it needs if he just complains without offering solutions? He’s great in general, but cooking dinner is such a struggle.

Melissa’s response

Mealtimes often become a delicate balancing act when managing the preferences of picky children alongside a partner who seems to happily join in on the attack on Mum’s cooking.

Despite all the talk of equality, in today’s age it is still all too common for mums to carry the lion’s share of cooking and household duties, which can be exhausting, frustrating and, a bit unfair.

I think it’s time to ‘flip the script’ on your husband and kids, reminding them that running a household and raising a family is very much a shared responsibility.

That means sharing the responsibility by encouraging your husband to take the lead on dinner a few times a week. This will not only ease your workload but perhaps see him realise the effort that goes into mealtime for the family.

It’s also time for the kids to get involved, even if that is simple tasks like setting the table or stirring ingredients, try and make them feel part of the process — it’s a great way to teach responsibility – plus they are less likely to criticise if they have helped prepare the meal.

Ease some pressure on yourself and establish a schedule in the house, with a clear roster for cooking and chores will help ensure that everyone knows what’s expected of them and their contribution to the home.

The biggest chat you need to have with your husband is for him to understand that you are a two-person system, and for a secure functioning relationship, that means being respectful and supportive of each other – while getting on the same page when it comes to dealing with the kids.

When he is jumping in with the kids to critique your cooking – something that is likely happening beyond the dinner table – then that is not a supportive environment, and you need to share how that makes you feel.

If he does not quite get it, then maybe you could do with the support of a qualified relationship counsellor to talk through why, when it comes to raising the kids, creating a supportive relationship, that you both put first, is the most important lesson you can teach them.

Remember, the household is not only your responsibility. All members of the family need to step up and help each other.

With open communication and collaboration, mealtimes can evolve from a potential battleground into moments of connection — maybe even some laughter.

You should never feel guilty for protecting your peace. Picture: iStock.

CAN I LEAVE THE PAST IN THE PAST?

Dear Melissa

I joined a group chat with some old high school friends (including my high school boyfriend that I have completely moved on from). They message me all the time, and it drives me crazy, but what’s worse is my former boyfriend has hinted that he still has feelings for me. How do I politely leave the past in the past without hurting anyone’s feelings?

Melissa’s response

Your former boyfriend is not alone — our first love often carves out a lasting place in our memory. That emotional intensity is partly thanks to the dopamine high that floods our brains when we fall in love for the first time. It can be thrilling, romantic — and hard to forget.

For many, it is common to reminisce about early relationships, with a touch of regret, especially when life gets complicated. So strong is that pull that it is not uncommon for people to rekindle love later in life with someone they knew in their youth. But the fact that it can happen doesn’t mean it should — especially when the feelings aren’t mutual.

You’ve already done the hard part: you know you’ve moved on. That clarity is powerful. Now it’s about gently but firmly setting a boundary.

If your former boyfriend is hinting at feelings you don’t share, it’s kinder in the long run to let him know — respectfully — that while you’re happy to be in touch as friends, there’s no romantic interest on your side. Be kind but be clear. Mixed messages only make things messier.

As for the group chat, if it’s becoming overwhelming or emotionally draining, you’re allowed to take a step back. You don’t need to explain every detail — something as simple as “I’m stepping away from the chat for a while — life’s busy, and I need to focus elsewhere” is enough.

There’s no need to feel guilty about protecting your peace. Letting the past stay in the past is part of growing into the person you are now — and that’s worth honouring.

Melissa Ferrari. Picture: Kirsten Flavell

Melissa is one of Australia’s most sought-after relationship therapists with over 25 years’ experience in couples counselling and individual psychotherapy. Specialising in the Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy (PACT), Melissa provides intensive sessions with practical, personalised feedback, through which she helps individuals and couples to make savvy relationship choices.