Dear Melissa: Ask your burning relationship questions

I’m falling for a great guy, but he is obsessed with this one activity and I’ve had enough.

Melissa Ferrari has helped countless couples overcome difficult challenges in their relationship.

She’s falling for a great guy, but he’s obsessed with his indoor jungle and she’s worried that if it came down to her or the plants, he’d choose the plants. Relationship expert Melissa Ferrari reveals how to strike the perfect balance between foliage and fornication.

It’s important to talk through concerns about your future with your partner.

Scroll down to send in your questions >>>

HOW DO I TELL HIM?

Dear Melissa

So, I’ve been seeing this really nice guy for a bit, and things are going pretty good. But, like, he’s super into plants. His place is like a jungle, with plants everywhere. It’s kinda cool, but sometimes I feel like I’m sharing the couch with a cactus or something. How do I support his plant thing without feeling like I’m living in a greenhouse?

Melissa’s response

When we enter into relationships you are always going find that your partner will have different interests to you. At times that can open exciting opportunities to explore something new. Sometimes you will find that it is something that they love but you are just not into.

Often, we can be supportive of things that our partner loves, as long as it is not overly interfering into the relationship and as long as they are willing to support us in activities that we like, that they may not be as into to.

It is when things that matter to them becomes something that begins to irritate you and you feel that the relationship seems all about what they are interested in, is where the trouble starts and over time that can even become a deal-breaker.

I do not think you are at the deal-breaker stage, but you are probably at the stage where you need to have a conversation where you let him know that plants are great, but they are just not your thing.

When you have that conversation do it in a caring, friendly, loving and kind way – watch your facial expressions and let him know that it is all going well, but you would like a little less plant time and a little more ‘we’ time.

Let him know you are supportive of his love for plants and are happy to share those moments with him at times, but you would like for him to take time to explore things that you like to do – as well as create new and shared experiences together.

See how he responds, and you will soon discover whether being in the relationship is ‘worth’ sharing a couch with both a cactus and your partner.

Communication is the key to every relationship. Picture: iStock

WILL SHE EVER UNDERSTAND?

Dear Melissa

I’m really into Fortnite, and my wife just doesn’t get it. I bought V-Bucks, and she went ballistic. I know gaming isn’t her thing, but I wish she could see why it’s such a big deal for me. How do I help her understand without causing a massive blow-up?

Melissa’s response

This is something that I am seeing more and more of in my counselling, one partner obsessed by gaming, while the other is becoming increasingly frustrated that their partner is spending so much of their time doing something without them.

What you need to understand is that when you are gaming, as much as you may enjoy it, you are taking time away from your partner.

You may think that you are both home and doing nothing, so what is wrong with you playing Fortnite?

The problem is that you are not doing ‘nothing’ at home, as that is the time you spend with each other, talking, checking in, supporting each other, sharing in activities around the house – when you choose to game, rather than spending time with your wife, then you are not putting your relationship first.

Her reaction to you spending V-Bucks is more a reaction to how much time you are spending gaming and if you keep down that path you may find that it becomes a serious issue in your relationship – one that could potentially end it.

Yes, you do need to have a discussion with your wife and a place to start maybe by explaining to her something I ask in my sessions when gaming is an issue; why is ‘gaming’ good for the relationship?

Often as they answer that question, they come to the conclusion that they have not been a good partner – that they have been choosing to do something for themselves, rather than seeking out things to do together.

The other thing you need to do with your wife is to come to agreement on when it is OK for you to play Fortnite and when it is not, negotiating how much time you will spend gaming, as well as how much you can spend money wise on gaming.

What your relationship, and why your wife has blown up at you, is because you are not living in a 2-person collaborative system, you are living in a system where you want to do what you want to do.

Long term that is not sustainable and unless you are willing to make some compromises, you may find yourself in a situation where all you have is Fortnite.

For situation such as this, given how much ‘gaming’ can impact a relationship, I suggest that you seek the help of a relationship therapist that you are both comfortable with – someone who can help you find the right balance in your relationship.

Melissa Ferrari. Picture: Kirsten Flavell

Melissa is one of Australia’s most sought-after relationship therapists with over 25 years’ experience in couples counselling and individual psychotherapy. Specialising in the Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy (PACT), Melissa provides intensive sessions with practical, personalised feedback, through which she helps individuals and couples to make savvy relationship choices.