I went on a first date, I thought we had chemistry – then she blocked me

A man has detailed his first date experience – but why things went cold very quickly.

Melissa Ferrari provides expert relationship advice to couples.

A woman discovered her best friend drunkenly slept with her husband earlier this year, and is now at a loss as to what to do next.

Scroll down to send in your questions.

DEAR MELISSA

I just learned my best friend drunkenly slept with my husband earlier this year. I’m so disgusted in both of them, should I cut them off?

MELISSA’S RESPONSE

What you are facing is a double betrayal from two people you love and hold strong feelings for, which is naturally traumatic and will take an enormous amount to process emotionally.

Your first step is to look after yourself and work through whether you believe the relationship with your husband is worth salvaging, this can take some time, and you should do so with the support of a therapist you are comfortable with.

Before even determining whether to try and repair the harm and hurt the behaviour of your husband and your friend has caused, you must be certain that your husband is truly remorseful and sorry for what has happened and that he will do all he can to repair the harm he caused to the relationship.

That he is willing to be held accountable for his actions, that he is not dismissing or trying to excuse what has occurred as something caused by alcohol, he must take full ownership of what has occurred and accept full responsibility for the pain his actions has caused.

Such events do not generally occur in isolation and there was likely a build up to the night they slept together, so do not allow the ‘I was drunk’ to be an excuse, his sorrow for the event must run deeper than that.

Relationship repair after such a deep betrayal will take time, in my experience in dealing with such occurrence in my practice you are looking at a minimum of 2-years of intensive therapy to repair the damage that has been done and even begin to rebuild trust.

So before heading down that road, make sure it is something you want to do and that you are both staying in the relationship for the right reason – that is to build a strong bond of love and support for each other that will not be broken again.

As for your ‘best friend’, no matter how sorry they may be, every time you spend see or speak with them you will likely relive the trauma of the betrayal. So, for your own protection you need to cut them out of your life – some acts and actions are unforgivable – which is a conclusion you may need to come to on your husband’s behaviour.

It’s important to communicate issues you may be having with your partner.

DEAR MELISSA

I went on a first date with a lady I thought I had chemistry with, and she blocked me after it. What could have I done wrong?

MELISSA’S RESPONSE

You are not the first to head out on a date and feel that they have made a connection with someone only to find yourself ‘ghosted’ or in this case ‘blocked’ and you will not be the last.

What you may have come across as a possibility on your date is a clash of attachment styles.

As founder of the PACT Institute and author Wired For Love Stan Tatkin described, there are three types of attachment styles; Anchors (comfortable with intimacy), Islands (trouble staying connected) and Waves (desire a strong connection).

When a wave meets an island, which sounds like your date, then without understanding the differing style of attachment, things do not always end well.

So, if you are someone who is anxious to find that connection and can come on a little strong if you feel a connection is forming, just take a step back and slow things down, otherwise you may scare someone away who is more avoidant in style.

It is a great idea before you head on a date to understand your own attachment style and also ask questions to understand the style of your date, that will help guide you in how soon to start communicating around feelings or connection.

Remember that it takes 18 months to 2 years to truly get to know someone, so if a connection is forming, let it do so slowly which will allow the both of you to develop the relationship at your own pace.

What we cannot do is force feelings of love or connection onto someone, but what we can do is allow time for those feelings to form, so the more you take your time and allow someone else to take there’s, then the greater the chance of a strong bond forming.

As for being ‘blocked’ or ‘ghosted’, keep in mind that this is going to happen, as most of us are wired to avoid difficult conversations and can find it easier to hit ‘block’ rather than to have to endure an awkward conversation or message exchange as to why they are not quite into you.

So, don’t let this experience deter you from your search for love, treat it as a learning experience, one that will help you better connect with those you meet on your journey.

Melissa Ferrari. Picture: Kirsten Flavell

Melissa is one of Australia’s most sought-after relationship therapists with over 25 years’ experience in couples counselling and individual psychotherapy. Specialising in the Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy (PACT), Melissa provides intensive sessions with practical, personalised feedback, through which she helps individuals and couples to make savvy relationship choices.