Forget the Oscars these are the real awards

From best fake news to Christensen's fake restraint - these are the real awards we should be focussing on.

And the fake news award goes to ...

This week I was fortunate to host #RealAwards while most people were watching #FakeAwards - the Oscars. I managed to ensure each award went to the right person but there were no accountants and thus no problems. That might work on a broader scale and actually get some tax in from the uber-rich. I got some lame jokes out about Mexicans and people who voted for Hillary - easy way to get a laugh from the alt-right crowd watching me present these awards.

Creative accounting award: PwC won it by a mile. I resisted the temptation to swap the envelopes to see what it felt like. And PwC is out to find a new name. Maybe try ProbablyWrongCard.

Fake News USA award: Everyone in the news media except for those Donald Trump still allows at media briefings.

Fake News Asia award: Everyone in the news media except for those Kim Jong-un still allows at media briefings.

Stealth zombie award: This was to have been presented for the first time last year but the judges could see a rising challenger, so they held off. Here's Julia Gillard's intro to the winner. "There were only two contenders in the whole world, Kevin Rudd and Tony Abbott. The award goes to the man who has managed to be the most stealthy, who could totally hide his glee, who never showed his hand, poker face himself, Tony 'Innocence' Abbott."

Despot award: Kim Jong-un. Like his rule, this is a hereditary award. His father and grandfather won it before and his son will win it - if he survives. This family makes Game of Thrones look like a bedtime tale for kids. With anti-aircraft gun firing squads and now nerve poison VX to eliminate dissent and relatives, it is likely he has almost eliminated thought in North Korea.

FakeRestraint: Maverick Queensland MP George Christensen claims he was "actually holding back" when he spoke out against the party line in the past few months. Let it rip, George.

War monger award: The Donald gets this statue that glows in the dark as he pulls billions out of environment, welfare and health to hand billions to the military to decide how to spend it. World War 3 is now being fought inside the Pentagon as Navy aircraft carrier and submarine teams fight Army tank battalions and the Air Force mob seeking a replacement for the F-35 since they sold the whole run to some gullible country for $72 billion.

Perfect timing award: China - as the F-35 landed in Australia, Beijing announced its radar can track the stealth fighter bomber.

Travel troubles award: Malaysia. After MH370, MH17 and now the assassination of Kim Jong-nam in Kuala Lumpur airport, the country needs a break. We also need a break but Malaysia is unlikely to be the top destination. Again.

Virtual travel award: Boat people headed for Australia. They've been virtually everywhere, man. First they fled their country because it was war-torn, repressive or dysfunctional or all of those. They finally crossed from Indonesia to virtual Australia and found it was Manus, Nauru or some other place. Then they were given hope and travel brochures for Cambodia, Malaysia (they were among the few prepared to go there), New Zealand and USA. Finally they got a destination. La La Land. Or maybe it was Moonlight. But they can be sure it was not Australia. I'm about to have a wardrobe malfunction. Everybody run!