Brisbane parenting expert Justin Coulson on raising teenage girls

Teenagers can present some of the biggest trials mums and dads will ever face as parents, and raising girls during this time can push families to the brink. Parenting expert Justin Coulson shares his tips.

THE teenage years are likely to be one of the hardest stages for parents – and raising daughters during this period can push some mums and dads to the brink.

Brisbane psychologist Justin Coulson, himself the father of six daughters from 20 to five years old, knows a little something about the subject.

Why your teenage daughter hates you and what you can do about it

Two of his girls are teenagers, one of them is about to be.

He is one of Australia’s leading parenting experts, a best-selling author, teacher and podcaster and has written specifically about teenage girls.

Dr Justin Coulson – author and father of six girls

He admits that on a personal level he and his wife had faced their greatest strains “personally, maritally, and as a family” during the teenage years.

In researching his latest book – Miss Connection – Why Your Teenage Dauughter ‘Hates’ You, Expects The World And Needs To Talk – Dr Coulson studied more than 360 anonymous surveys with teenage girls about their wellbeing.

The surveys covered resilience, anxiety, screen use, social media, intimacy, alcohol and drugs and what they keep secret from their parents.

Teenage girls lie to their parents about …

Boys/sex/intimacy/sexuality

● They hide their boyfriend under a girl’s name in their phone.

● They say they’re going for a walk or run, to the shops or park or to catch up with a girlfriend from school but they’re actually meeting a boy.

● Teens admit to lying about being sexually active, being a virgin, being gay, having a boyfriend.

● Coulson says: “Survey responses were chock-full of girls fessing up to the lies they tell about romantic attraction and physical intimacy.’’

Teenage girls can be secretive about social media use and find novel ways to hide their devices.

Social media and screen use

● Teen girls lie about when they turn their laptops and phones off at night and about doing schoolwork on their laptop when they are actually watching YouTube, looking at the internet, watching Netflix or “on chats’’.

● Some pretend to read a book but hold their phone inside it instead.

● They turn Messenger to inactive so it doesn’t show they’re online late at night but they can still chat.

● If parents want devices put in a certain place every night, some girls only put away the laptop or mobile cases.

● Others sneak into parents’ rooms after they are asleep to get their devices.

● Or they simply use laptops when phones are confiscated.

Source: Justin Coulson

Justin Coulson’s top tips for parenting teenage girls

● LOVE is spelled T-I-M-E. Just like money is the currency of our economy, connection is the currency of our relationships. Go on regular dates with your daughter, have conversations at bedtime, walk the dog together. Being available to listen is crucial.

● The opposite of connection is not disconnection. It’s judgment. Acceptance and love build connection.

● As a participant in my survey says, “the stricter the parent, the sneakier the child. Stay woke”.

● Discourage your daughter from following Instagram influencers and people famous for being famous. Point them to artists, designers and thinkers who create rather than compare.

● When things get heated, remember that high emotions equal low intelligence. Wait until things are cool before having tricky conversations.

● Remember that even if your teenage girl acts coldly towards you, swears and screams at you, they love you and need you.

● Our girls need our compassion. They need us to literally stand with them in their suffering, to put an arm around them and say, ‘I’m here’.

● The most important words a teenage girl can hear are the words that come after I love you. No. Matter. What.