Opinion: Brisbane Metro should go all the way to Springfield

BRISBANE Metro will stretch from Herston to Eight Mile Plans. What a system it will be! Except when you realise it just runs along the existing busway and stops at existing stations.

An artist’s impression of the new-look Brisbane Metro system which looks like light rail but will actually use buses. Picture: Supplied

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DID The Simpsons conman Lyle Lanley perform his song-and-dance routine at City Hall recently? Because Lord Mayor Graham Quirk’s Brisbane Metro plan sure has synergies with Springfield’s monorail.

Sydney, Melbourne, Perth and Canberra all have some type of inner-city rail plan.

Why shouldn’t we? In fact, why shouldn’t we have two?

We’ve already got Cross River Rail, or a plan at least.

Some might bemoan the drawing of lines on maps for a decade. Tell that to Redcliffe residents who waited a century for their rail link but haven’t taken to actually travelling on it.

Now we have Brisbane Metro, or more accurately Brisbane Metro Mark II.

The first iteration proved problematic given those folk from the big end of George Street already had plans for a key station site. That was a wee bit embarrassing.

We have a new version though and isn’t it impressive?

That clever Cr Quirk has also cut the costs.

The planned route of the revamped Brisbane Metro.

It stretches from Herston to Eight Mile Plans. What a subway system it will be!

Except when you realise the council just commandeered busways built years ago.

That’s right, Metro Mark II, despite all the song and dance at last year’s council election, just runs along the existing busway and stops at existing stations.

At least it’s rail right? Smooth, efficient rail and maybe still with a bit of that melodic rickety rickety sound?

Unfortunately, no.

Brisbane Metro is buses. Big buses. We’ve already got bendy buses. Just imagine a bendy bendy bus with a bit tacked onto the end.

Not that you can tell from the artist impression spruiked by Cr Quirk and his trusty sidekick Adrian Schrinner.

Station platforms in the pictures conveniently obscure the wheels of the bendy bendy buses. Although they do otherwise look like light rail.

In one calamitous interview, Schrinner harrumphed that it “wasn’t important” what they were and while “some people call it a bus” they would actually be “purpose-designed Metro vehicles”.

Maybe asking Schrinner whether you’d need a bus or train licence to get behind the wheel would have elicited an answer.

Yet everyone is nodding in unison about the marvel that is Metro. Transport Minister Jackie Trad is playing nice because she wants federal cash for Cross River Rail.

Train-loving Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull is on board although it’s unclear whether he knows he’ll be riding a bendy bendy bus at the opening.

So it seems it’s full steam ahead for Cr Quirk’s plan, which is a pun, of course, given buses don’t have boilers.

But if the conductor on Metro’s maiden voyage has a name tag which reads Homer, it might be best to catch the train.