Opinion: Introducing the Steven Miles showbag of free things

These new showbags, made from recycled press releases blaming Campbell Newman for everything, are stuffed with goodies, writes Mike O’Connor.

It’s People’s Day at the Ekka on Wednesday, and what fond memories it evokes: bone-chilling westerly winds, indigestible food, coughing and sniffling masses, overpriced showbags and the squelch of freshly deposited cow dung underfoot. Ah, those were the days.

As a young reporter I was often assigned to cover the Ekka for the Telegraph afternoon newspaper, my fondest memory of this assignment being the day I was part of a raiding party which stole all the beer from The Courier-Mail’s press box.

An inquiry found that as all the evidence had apparently been consumed in record time, no further action could be taken.

My least enjoyable moment was the time I ill-advisedly agreed to take part in a camel race around the Ekka’s main oval. My camel won. Alas, I was not on board at the time, lying as I was on the ground several hundred metres from the finish line with five broken ribs.

The Ekka continues to evolve, but showbags remain an integral part of the experience, and this year may I recommend a new offering: the Steven Miles government showbag.

In the bags, made from recycled press releases blaming former LNP premier Campbell Newman for the many and varied debacles that have unfolded over the past nine years of Labor rule, show patrons will find an impressive offering of goodies.

There’s a candle which will come in handy when the lights start to dim as the last of our coal-fired power stations shut down, the wind stops blowing and clouds fill the sky.

There’s a free train ticket from Brisbane to Cairns and return, to be used by all those people who might be contemplating driving on the Bruce Highway. Courtesy of years of government inaction and piecemeal “upgrades”, the Bruce is now the most dangerous road in the nation, and to sally forth on it is to risk injury or death. It is much safer to take the train, even if Queensland Rail, for reasons known only to itself, decided it make it as uncomfortable for travellers as possible and removed the sleeper carriages several years ago.

There’s also a defibrillator, handy if you suffer a heart attack and there are no ambulance crews available because they are all parked on hospital ramps waiting for their patients to be seen.

Premier Steven Miles and Treasurer Cameron Dick serving up strawberry sundaes at the Ekka on Monday. Picture: Liam Kidston

There is also an inflatable mattress that will ease your discomfort should you present at a hospital emergency department and have to spend several hours slumped in a chair moaning quietly as overworked doctors and nurses try and clear the backlog.

There’s also a plastic snake. The idea is to attach this to your car keys and leave them on the kitchen bench when you go to bed. That way, when your friendly neighbourhood break-and-enter thug – who is out on bail and has a criminal history the length of the straight at Eagle Farm racecourse – decides to break into your house and steal your car they’ll grab the keys, see the snake, shriek in horror and jump out the window, never to be seen again.

There’s also a pair of sunglasses. These are fitted with a special lens that filters out anyone affiliated with the CFMEU. Labor politicians have been wearing then for years and on removing them recently were shocked and horrified to discover that their union mates had been very naughty lads. Quelle surprise!

Show patrons will also find an autographed group photograph of prominent Queensland Labor figures with a white space between Premier Steven Miles and Treasurer Cameron Dick. This is the space that contained an image of someone called Annastacia Palaszczuk who, having been beamed up by aliens, now resides in another galaxy, and as far as Labor is concerned has ceased to exist.

Punters will also be delighted to find a book of vouchers to be presented to the sausage sizzles to be run by the newly created Department For Free Things Until the October Election.

As well as 24-hour sausage sizzles in every suburb, there’ll be free cooked chooks on weekends, with punters also invited to spin the wheel and play Grab a Goon, a free wine cask of Premier’s Plonk being won by anyone who spins and lands on No. 26, the date of the election.

There’ll also be a free ticket to the opening ceremony of the Brisbane Olympics (venue to be confirmed. Organisers reserve the right to cancel at short notice. Terms and conditions apply).

Enjoy the show, folks and look out for the cow dung. There’s a lot of it around these days.