Mike O’Connor: After January 26 controversy, Valentine’s Day may now be under attack

Now that the Rent-A-Ratbag mob have moved on from Australia Day, what will be the next target of their woke fury? Uh oh, Valentine’s Day is just around the corner, warns Mike O’Connor.

Now that the usual suspects from Rent-A-Ratbag have performed their street theatre for the media on Australia Day, will St Valentine’s Day be next to feel the full force of their fury?

It is, after all, a celebration that first bloomed commercially in Britain, bastion of colonial oppression and in the US, heartland of a capitalist system dominated by entitled white males.

This would seem to be sufficient reason for Prime Minister Anthony Albanese to suggest that while not banning St Valentine’s Day, it might be better to celebrate it on another day that would be called Not St Valentine’s Day.

Then there is the problem of Valentine’s sainthood.

It is perfectly acceptable to confer saintly attributes on public figures such as former New Zealand Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern, who performed The Miracle Of The Two Jobs in having a full-time occupation AND having a baby, a feat that in the eyes of some was up there with the parting of the Red Sea.

St Valentine, the patron saint of love, was martyred.

Acknowledging your traditional saints, however, is not fashionable, even for those such as St Valentine, who was martyred.

The mention of St Valentine’s martyrdom might stir the interest of those who proclaim their martyrdom daily on social media, victims of oppression because of the colour of their eyes, their ingrown toenails, their genetic allergy to paid employment and an inability to get out of bed before 2pm.

They might think, perhaps, that they could pick up a few clues on martyrdom from St Valentine, but alas, he was a martyr in the true sense of the word and was killed by the Romans for his faith.

Not much joy there for your average keyboard warrior martyr.

He could also work miracles but alas, his speciality was restoring the sight of the blind rather than performing miracles that the modern-day martyr might find helpful such as turning water into wine or an Uber Eats burger, chips and Coke into a 10-course degustation feast.

Romantics planning to slip into a newsagent to send a card should also be mindful of the deeper roots of St Valentine’s Day that can be traced back to the feast of Lupercalia, a fertility rite dedicated to the Roman god of agriculture.

This involved priests running through the streets naked and whipping women with the hides of sacrificed animals that was thought to promote fertility.

Men then drew women’s names from a jar, the lucky winner becoming the man’s partner for the next year.

While it is unlikely that the recipient of a St Valentine’s card would regard it as an invitation to be subjected to flagellation before having her name dropped into a jar as part of a game of Bachelor Lotto, it may be best not to take any chances.

Did you suffer from an unconscious bias against certain ethnic groups that surfaced in your choice of a Valentine?

There are other issues to be considered by the 2023 romantic as he negotiates the minefield that circles relationships, tiptoeing this way and then that, always one misstep away from disaster.

If he, as a secret admirer, sent a St Valentine’s Day card and his identity was somehow revealed, would he be accused of engaging in harassment?

Then there is the question of inclusion. If you send a card to one woman and not all the women you know, are you disregarding the feelings of the others and would they find that they were being discriminated against because in your eyes, they were not as attractive as the other woman?

Could your preference for Party A be race-based? Did you suffer from an unconscious bias against certain ethnic groups that surfaced in your choice of a Valentine? Other males could also claim feelings of exclusion.

In sending a card to Party A, were you discriminating against all the men who you knew quite apart from any acquaintances who may hail from the LGBTQI+ community?

It’s possible that your actions could be viewed as a subliminal statement that only heterosexual females were worthy of St Valentine’s Day cards and that your actions were discriminatory and in contravention of state, federal and international law.

Should the ritual of Lupercalia be raised then accusations of sadism and misogyny could easily be made, even in the absence of sacrificial animals and naked priests.

What then does today’s hopeless romantic do on February 14 when struck by Cupid’s arrow?

Say a prayer to St Valentine, perhaps. If he could restore sight, perhaps he could provide some vision to those who chose not to see.