Endless brown-nosing to enter parliament will pay off eventually

While some of the stupidest people you’ve ever met have doctorates, having one will help you climb the ladder to political success, writes Mike O’Connor.

As students from the Class of 2023 prepare to venture forth into the new year, there may be those among them who, inspired by the shining examples set by our leaders, are considering a career in politics.

Herewith some tips on how best to progress down this chosen path.

Abandon any childhood fantasies you may have entertained about performing glorious deeds involving self-sacrifice and selfless dedication.

Somebody else can worry about the hapless and homeless.

Henceforth self-interest will be your creed, ambition your guiding light and “whatever it takes” your daily prayer.

Treasurer Jim Chalmers delivers the 2022-23 federal budget in the House of Representatives on October 26.

Join a political party. It doesn’t matter which one. The people you meet will all have the same goal as you – self-promotion at all costs – so ignore the nuances of policy and leave them to be embraced by those simple-minded souls who work tirelessly for the good of the party and actually believe in its manifesto.

Get a degree. It doesn’t matter which one, because you will never actually enter the workforce and toil beside real people.

Practise making friends and then when the relationship is blooming, tell them that you no longer wish to speak to them and cut them off completely.

This will be invaluable training for those many occasions when you will have to betray, ignore or assassinate the character of a colleague who is no longer of any use to you or who is standing in the way of your upward progression.

Treasurer Jim Chalmers delivers the 2022-23 federal budget.

Make promises that you know you cannot keep. This is an essential art to develop and the more outrageous the promise, such as telling people you will cut their electricity bills by $275, the better.

When your promise fails to materialise blame changed circumstances, the previous government, climate change, oil prices and the supply chain, whatever that is.

Back to that degree. Law is popular, but you don’t have to be particularly good at it as you will only work for a firm that is aligned to the political party of your choice and it’s only a fill-in job until you wrangle a role on the staff of a member of parliament.

Once you have done this, you have officially joined the queue to ascend the greasy pole to party endorsement in a safe seat and have entered that special bubble in which the political class resides.

Get a degree. It doesn’t matter which one, because you will never actually enter the workforce and toil beside real people, says Mike O’Connor.

While it is true that in the early days you might be forced to deal with those grubby little people who come around to the electorate office and think that because your boss is the local member he actually gives a toss about their mundane, tiresome whinges, this is only temporary.

It must be endured until you can claw your way a little higher, leaving the real world behind and becoming a policy adviser.

This will not be particularly demanding as most politicians have no input on policy and don’t care to, making sure that they get elected again next time being a full time job and one that doesn’t allow for anything as wearisome as making the country a better place in which to live.

Eventually your endless crawling, brown-nosing, sycophancy and willingness to abandon your principles and values at a moment’s notice will be recognised and you will assume your treasured seat in the great parliament of the people.

At this point, it will be necessary to get a PhD. It doesn’t matter for what. This will allow you to call yourself Doctor and hopefully create the impression that you are possessed of a significant intellect.

Prime Minister Anthony Albanese and Treasurer Jim Chalmers in parliament. Picture: NCA NewsWire/Martin Ollman

While it may be true that some of the most intensely stupid people you have ever met have doctorates, get one you must.

If you’re a male, buy shirts with extra long sleeves.

These are easier to roll up, creating the totally false impression that you are hard-working. You will also need to buy a stockman’s hat in which you will look foolish and riding boots in a comical attempt to show that you relate to the rural electorate.

Practise nodding. As you continue to worm and scheme towards a ministry, you will be called upon to stand behind your supreme leader in media conferences and nod.

It doesn’t matter if they have mixed up their notes and are reading their partner’s shopping list, just keep nodding sagely.

Good luck and Merry Christmas to all.